Former ‘Bachelor’ member Demi Burnett comes out

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Demi Burnett has been diagnosed with autism and is asking fans to be “open minded.”

The former “Bachelor” star revealed the news via Instagram over the weekend with a series of slides explaining the disorder and how to support an autistic person.

“MAYBE A TRIGGER WARNING I DONT KNOW BUT HEADS UP,” Burnett, 26, wrote in the lengthy caption. “I did a psychological evaluation and I’m autistic. There is a huge stigma when it comes to autism. I encourage you to be open minded and accepting.”

Burnett said she plans to share more on the story of her “evaluation” and how she “got to this point” at a later date.

“All I want is to have a better quality of life ❤️,” she continued. “I want to make sure anyone who is/was feeling like me can know you really aren’t alone. It can get better! And most importantly it isn’t your fault ❤️.”

Burnett starred on Colton Underwood’s season of “The Bachelor” in 2019. She later returned to the franchise for Season 6 and Season 7 of “Bachelor in Paradise.”

She made history with Kristian Haggerty by becoming the first same-sex couple to ever get engaged on the show. They called off their engagement in October 2019.

Last month, Burnett revealed in a since-deleted Instagram post that she was experiencing emotional breakdowns “every few hours.”

In another post shared a few weeks later, Burnett said she was “doing better” after seeking professional help.

Haley Moss is an advocate, author and one of the first openly autistic people to pass the Florida Bar. Moss has written about autism and gender for a variety of outlets, including The Washington Post and Teen Vogue. She is also, less famously, a huge fan of “The Bachelor.” The 19th talked to Moss about how autism can be different for women, how “The Bachelor” has represented disability over the course of its history, and what Burnett’s disclosure means, both for her personally and for popular culture.

Sara Luterman: On average, autistic women get diagnosed years later than autistic men. Can you tell me a little bit about that?

Haley Moss: Girls and women often do get diagnosed later, or cycle through misdiagnoses beforehand. Some get diagnosed after their children get diagnosed, after a, “Wait, all kids don’t do that?” lightbulb moment.
A lot of us also mask or camouflage autistic traits. The diagnostic criteria for autism is often written with boys in mind. We don’t often meet the stereotype of autism and based on how the criteria is written.

Is there a personal experience you want to share about diagnostic disparities in autism for women?

I feel incredibly lucky to have been diagnosed when I was a 3-year-old, and I realize it’s primarily because I was, at the time, non-speaking. Being a delayed talker inherently helps your autism to be identified early on since it’s more apparent to all sorts of folks. If I had been an early talker or more extroverted, I do wonder how my autistic journey would’ve turned out. Maybe it would’ve been identified because of the other things besides communication that I struggled with, or maybe, like so many others, it may have been missed because I was an introverted high academic achiever. So many social, behavioral, and emotional cues and differences are overlooked or brushed aside if kids don’t get in trouble and get good grades.

One of the biggest theories about autism is still extreme male brain theory: The idea that autistic people are more about things like systems and logic — things stereotypically associated with men — than we are about things like empathy. Biological explanations have included structural similarities in the brains of autistic women and men, as well as exposure to extra testosterone in the womb. How have these ideas impacted you?

I’ll never forget the people who have told me there’s no way I could ever be autistic because “you’re a girl.” I always found it disheartening and misinformed. I don’t think it’s impacted me much, but I had read about the extreme male brain theory as a teenager once and wondered if something was really that strange. I grew up in a house that never viewed me as weird, less or anything negative. My parents convinced me I was cool and others just didn’t understand that.

What do you like about “The Bachelor”? Is there anything especially autistic about it, to you?

“The Bachelor” is such an escape from reality. I think what draws me to it, other than predictably watching it on Monday nights, is how universally everybody wants love. The destinations in the non-quarantine seasons are also super interesting, and a lot of the contestants are around my age, so it also gives me a window into my peers and what they’re hoping or expecting within their futures.

How did Demi coming out as autistic make you feel, as a fan of the show? As an autistic woman?

Disability has never really been “The Bachelor”’s strong suit. Prior to the current season and Demi’s announcement, I can only recall two disabled castmates: Sarah Herron, who has one arm, and Abigail Heringer, who has a cochlear implant. Sarah was a first one-on-one date recipient, and Abigail received a first impression rose, almost cementing them as early fan favorites and the exceptionalism of disability within “The Bachelor.” The show is not nearly as diverse as it should be, and disability is one of the places where it often falls short. The disabled castmates get objectified in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable since they’re not being fleshed out as humans the way the other contestants are. Disabled contestants deserve so much better.

I do feel like Demi [coming out as autistic] has helped me understand her better. The online persona, the bold, outlandish things she said. Realizing this was another autistic person, it became pretty apparent to me she was playing the role that either the show wanted her to play or that she herself wanted to play to garner more social acceptance.

common explanation for the diagnostic disparity between autistic men and women is masking, sometimes also called “camouflaging,” which you’ve mentioned. What is masking? Does it feel like a relevant concept here? And if so, why?

I like to tell a story about being a high school freshman. At the time, every teenage girl I knew was wild about the “Twilight” saga. I did not care whatsoever about vampires, but I surely knew everything there was to know about the series and movies in order to seemingly fit in or at least attempt to make friends. I was changing or inventing pieces of myself in order to be liked, and didn’t want to be “figured out” – a lot like being a secret agent of sorts. I wasn’t obviously, visibly bullied because of how I would talk, what I would talk about and how I presented myself. I still often got excluded anyway.

A lot of people mistakenly view masking as a “girls and women” problem, but autistic masking impacts all of us, especially people who are marginalized by our gender. The motivation is just different for women than other high-camouflaging autistic people. Clinicians aren’t always looking for and identifying masking and camouflaging behaviors early on, which also impacts that disparity. It’s seen often as the other way around like, “those autistic women are just so good at masking behavior we don’t identify them” rather than clinicians recognizing this is happening, and the autistic diagnostic criteria needs to better reflect the autistic experience.

I think this is super relevant because Demi is a late-diagnosed woman. To me, it makes perfect sense that this sociable, confident person was really trying to gain social acceptance. She’s even said that’s a persona she created for people to be more comfortable around.

Some people are going to be like “Well, she doesn’t look autistic. She’s very socially adept. She was able to be on ‘The Bachelor’!” That kind of thing.
“You don’t look autistic” is one of the biggest microaggressions I’ve heard throughout my life. It erases my entire experience and the behind-the-scenes efforts I do to put non-autistic, neurotypical people at ease or to be granted conditional social acceptance. There’s no one look to autism. It can look exactly like me or a successful reality star like Demi Burnett.

If you could tell Demi anything about embracing her identity as an autistic woman, what would you say?

Nothing is wrong with you. You are not a failed version of normal. You are your autistic self, and I hope you come to accept all of that about you. I hope you continue to learn more about yourself and the autistic community. I do not want to speak for more than myself, but I believe you will find there is a group of people who will welcome and accept you as you are in your journey. As a “Bachelor” alum, you also have such a huge platform. With that comes responsibility and power that I hope you use for good and amplify other autistics if you can. I am grateful for you sharing this step of your journey and educating those who possibly haven’t had experience with autism to maybe challenge their assumptions a little deeper, too. So, thank you, and I hope you feel comfortable being your full, authentic self.

Demi Burnett, a former contestant on The Bachelor, was outspoken on social media about mean comments from fans after vulnerably sharing that she has autism. Demi has previously been seen as a humorous component of the franchise.

As posted on Demi's Instagram Stories, the reality star commented about the cruelty she has faced online from fans after finding out she has autism. Unflinching in her response, Demi asked followers to “stop making people feel stupid if they think that they might be autistic." Demi, praised by fans for her frank conversations regarding her own steps towards self-discovery, continues to speak her mind, especially when it comes to her own personal journey with autism. Clearly upset over fans claiming she's "not autistic," Demi was quick to share her disapproval of such comments, claiming anyone with these views "should shut up, and let people explore whatever their body is telling them to explore."

Unwilling to sympathize with such behavior, Demi demanded that fans rethink their point of view and be mindful of how they use social media to engage with others. In what should have been a unifying moment for Demi and her followers, a few uninformed fans have caused Demi's recent autism announcement to be littered with cruelty. The reality star went on to say that undermining someone's autism is not only disrespectful but also severely "damaging" to anyone with this diagnosis. Still trying to understand what life looks like now that she knows she has autism, Demi defends those who have found themselves discovering their autism later in life.

While Demi has been focused on her own needs and self-care, fans have flocked to her social media to support her through this difficult (and memorable) chapter of her life.

Bachelor Nation met Demi Burnett on Colton Underwood’s season of The Bachelor and got to know her more on Bachelor in Paradise seasons 6 and 7. Burnett, 30, didn’t find her forever on TV, but she learned something important about herself after joining the Bachelor world: She has autism.

“While you're waiting for your diagnosis, it's a lot of anxiety,” Burnett, who shared her diagnosis publicly in February 2022, tells PEOPLE. “You just want that validation and that relief, that way you can start getting the tools you need to live a happier and more independent life.”

The reality star says she felt “so relieved” after finding out she has autism.

“It helps me understand myself,” Burnett continues. “Say I'm not meshing with people as well as everyone else is. Instead of being like, ‘Oh, my gosh, what's wrong with me? Why can't I make friends with people?’ I'm just like, ‘Okay, I know that maybe people just aren't getting me yet and it might take them a little bit to get used to me. Maybe I'm not showing them my best self. I know it just might take a little time, and I'm not going to take it personally.’ "

But the online community hasn’t been as accepting.

“Lots of support on Instagram, but then on TikTok, I get all the comments of people being like, ‘You weren't like this on The Bachelor. You really switched it up,’ ” Burnett says. “And I think that they are right in saying that. I was consuming copious amounts of alcohol during The Bachelor, so it should be a great example of seeing how someone can use alcohol to mask.”

Burnett, now nearly four years sober, believes viewers “can tell I'm playing into a bit of whatever I think everyone wants from me.”

“It's so clearly someone putting on a show than now when I'm being vulnerable and open and raw and real and uncomfortable with all of it,” the Got to Get Out star says. “Now it's seen as putting on an act. It's ironic. You can't help but laugh.”

Still, Burnett loves doing reality TV, and she believes the medium “is great for neurodivergent people.”

“Everyone thinks no autistic person can ever do a reality show, and I'm like, ‘You have no idea how much an autistic person could thrive actually in that environment because they get support for the first time in their lives,’ ” she says. “Getting all that support on The Bachelor, it was the greatest. I have never been more supported in my life than I am on reality TV. You have people waiting on you hand and foot to get anything you ever need. Reality TV producers are literally the most support you could ever get. I was sobbing when I had to leave, and it wasn't for Colton.”

Outside of television, Burnett says she has “found people who believe me and believe that I mean the best intention with what I'm saying,” specifically in the Fortnite community.

“I have a group of girls I play Fortnite with, and they let me be myself 100,000,000 percent,” the TV personality explains. “We call myself America's Little Brat because if people have more kills than me, then I'm going to throw a mini fit. And instead of them being like, ‘Hey, get over it,’ they're like, ‘Hey, Demi, come kill this guy. I've got him for you over here.’ And that is so silly, but it means the world to me. That kind of stuff has made life more enjoyable for me.”

In the wake of U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s claim that people with autism won’t hold jobs, go on dates or pay taxes, Burnett wants to make it clear that “there're many autistic people I know, including myself, that have a job, pay taxes, do all things that he said that we'll never do. It's just very dangerous what he's saying. He's referring to lots of stereotypes and stigmas and debunked research.”

Burnett would like to see Kennedy, 71, put government funds toward supporting people and families with autism. “There's really no help out here,” she claims. “The problem isn't the rise in diagnosis. The problem is and has always been the lack of resources. We should be finding out how to help autistic people have happier, more independent lives instead of trying to fearmonger people with false information.”

The Texas native may not be dating anyone right now, but she credits that to “everyone” wanting to “date around” instead of finding a serious relationship. “I want a girlfriend,” she says. “I am feeling much more attracted to women these days, but I'm bisexual, I could go either way. But I just think that I would be treated better by a woman.”

Burnett will try her hand at dating on Netflix’s Pop the Balloon dating show, and she hopes reality shows “keep booking me."

“I love going on reality TV because I feel the most at home," she says. "I feel supported and safe in the weirdest way.”