Autistic women: a life more ordinary

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"Why do women make up only one in four of those diagnosed as autistic? Could it be that they are simply better at pretending not to be? Charlotte Moore meets a group of women for whom 'normal' is an alien language that they battle to learn":
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/main. ... autism.xml

I agree, and it has been my opinion for a while, that women are underdiagnosed. AS presents differently in women and girls, and consequently many simply are considered different, but not autistic.

I, myself, did not realize it until less than a year ago. All the pieces of the puzzle finally fell into place and I realized why I was so different from everyone else. Finding Wrong Planet, for example, was such a relief. I felt at home. I understood what other people were talking about, and related to it strongly.

I know of a little girl who should be diagnosed, but sadly, I don't believe she will be. It is very obvious to me that she has AS.

It's great that people are beginning to realize this.

interesting article

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Totally get this. I have found it so hard to do what so many women seem to do effortlessly. I have, when "doing this woman thing" often felt like a man in drag, ( a good drag act, but an act) . Literally. It was sooo artificial to me. I made lots of effort, particularly in my teens and early twenties to learn how to do it. I poured my heart into it, as if it was a special interest; it took all my attention for many years, which obviously impacted hugely, and detrimentally, on my studies.

And all for nothing. Because, not understanding the underlying rules I ended up getting pregnant, ( unprotected sex because, I now know, I simply didn't take in the reality of my female body, etc) having an abortion, using more and more alcohol to loosen up so that I could act the part, etc etc.

Feminism freed me from that. Everything that radical feminism taught made sense to me, ( and who knows if in fact most women who resonate(d) to radical feminism are AS ), because to me being a woman was a daily, constant, oppression. I didn't realise that for most women wearing heels and make-up and constricting clothing wasn't the struggle that it was for me. I didn't realise that most women liked the giggly, sympathetically listening ( to any kind of garbage) role when with men. I "put it on" like clothes for years.

I actually think now that Andrea Dworkin, whose book "Intercourse" led to my awakening/ liberation, was probably AS of some kind. Too much in what she writes about the body, her painful awareness of power relationships, the "rules" for women, is so so like what I have felt, and now know to be AS related.

I think that it is because of sexism that only "men" being different from "other men" is seen as a major problem, whereas women being like "normal" men, in some ways at least, is almost invisible in a society in which the "norm" [i]is[/i] the male. But it is agony, as an AS woman, to experience the myriad countless pressures to dress, speak, move, smile, respond, in a feminine way.

The worst thing, I now think, is how it used up all my energy at a crucial period in life. Leaving none for study/career development etc. My sister managed to ignore the social pressures, but I wasn't strong enough.

Great to see an article like that in a mainstream newspaper. Thanks for posting it!

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thanks for posting this article - very interesting. After reading it, I agree wholeheartedly with the author's points regarding how many women with an ASD managed to slip under the radar until they were much older. Yes, they ARE better at hiding it, mainly because girls are always under a tremendous pressure to fit in -- much more so than boys are. The article also mentions that Anorexia may be linked to autism in some cases, as well. I had problems with Anorexia from the age of fifteen to around 25. This was because people in school treated me very badly as far back as I could remember and somehow in my mid-teens, I got the idea in my head that if I was thin enough or pretty enough, then as if by magic, people would like me (or at least stop making fun of me).

Thing is, the Anorexia almost took my life, as I was using methamphetamines by my early 20s in order to keep the Finno-Russian side of my genes from kicking in and turning me fat. I never was what anyone would call 'fat' but kids always found out that the best way to make me cry was to call me fat or ugly (or both). Looking back on my pictures from that time period, I realize now that I wasn't fat at all. I was short and walked funny, had an expressionless face (people always told me to smile, to which I always refused). If only I'd known then what I know now, I might have been a hell of a lot happier growing up. I wouldn't have let other kids torment me and make me feel less than human just because I was different. Instead, I tried to force myself into a mode of being that wasn't good for me and I nearly died from heart failure after a meth overdose at 23 years old. Even though I'm drug-free now, I'm still paying for what I did to this day, health-wise.

All this just to get some NTs to like me? I feel stupid when I think back on it now.

I'm glad to see articles like this one and another that someone posted - both from UK news sources - at least now maybe doctors will take a closer look at girls and diagnose them long before they get seriously f**ed-up in the head like I did. Women are under so much pressure to be socially perfect and attractive that if you can't toe the line and be like them, you're a pariah forever. NT women always chat about inane subjects that I can't get into and don't know how to talk about (I usually just give my standard 'canned' replies). NTs notice this and after a while they avoid me altogether and this subtle form of rejection still hurts even though I know it's inevitable. Social pressure tells me I must be sociable, but I lack the energy and the skills to keep up appearances any longer. For me, reading an article like this is a breath of fresh air.

finally.

I dunno... I'm a pretty girly girl. I mean, I love fashion - albeit always with my own take on it, which for years was uhh... 'unique' (that's being nice), it took me until I was 21 to find my 'style' - I love shoes, I enjoy shopping if I have money. I just also enjoy intellectual discussion and despise gossip, and generally prefer the company of men. I have very few girlfriends - the only ones I do have are ones who are incredibly sweet and kind and most importantly, honest. No backstabbing because I just can't handle that, it ruined my childhood and it ruined my teens, so I just avoid a lot of women because I can't be bothered with it anymore.

I think I've grown into my Aspergers in a way. My childhood was defined by it as a very classic case. My teenage years I spent the whole time suppressing it and trying to convince myself I'd 'outgrown it' like a too-small sweater. Now I'm in my 20s I think I've come to terms with it and accept it as part of my reality, but I know how I work, how it affects me, what my triggers are for 'bad days' and as a result I don't have so many of them anymore. I guess I've learned to accept myself as I am - I know that sometimes I need to take time out and just sit in the loo for a while to refocus, I know that sometimes I do just need a good cry and to sit and rock for a while, I know that if I'm getting anxious and my palms are sweaty and all my senses are amplified I need to get out now... and I know how to warn people without actually saying I have AS.

I think once you learn how AS affects you, and you know your parameters and boundaries and have spent long enough observing and emulating social situations you can get your head around it and learn to love yourself, warts and AS and all.

In my opinion, a lot of what makes it hard for girls is their willingness to socialise and to learn to do so, and the female tendency towards empathy and trying to fit in, and the way that 'shyness' is perceived as a female trait (and that people assume if you withdraw from people's company it's because you're 'just shy'), and as a result it simply gets overlooked in girls.

Very interesting article. I've read one much like this on the subject of gender ratio before.

I fit the picture of the woman on the spectrum who has tomboyish interests and male friends. I find friendships with most NT women difficult to maintain as their conversations seem to revolve around idle gossip. Some of it I don't mind too much to pretend to listen for the sake of blending in, but most of it is malicious gossip and it makes me feel really uncomfortable to even be the innocent recipient of such defamatory prattle. Not all NT women are like that, but a lot of them that I've met are. That is why I have few female friends, and those that I do are those that one would consider to be geeky, and some that are tomboyish.

I was always odd, shy, reserved, whatever. Not really fitting in with the group, especially with women.

I've generally had trouble with most women/girls. I could care less about fashion or whatever inane subject they seem to find so fascinating. Gossip is only interesting when trying to figure out what makes someone tick, but when it becomes malicious it is very uncomfortable.

So much of human interaction is through roles or masks. The real person is buried in there somewhere. NT's seem to know how and when to use the various masks, but I don't really. I have to construct it every time. It takes a lot of energy that I don't have.

In the meantime, my need for connection is unsatisfied because I can't connect to anyone through the mask. It's hard to drop the painfully constructed mask because then I'm vulnerable. It takes a lot of trust, and it's really rare that I find someone who let's their real self shine through.

Yes, I suspect that many female aspies 'fly under the radar'. I remember when I walked on tiptoe all the time as a child, people just used to make comments about how I was going to be a ballet dancer. When I was off in my own world, people just called me a daydreamer. When I didn't join in I was referred to as shy. Because I had all brothers, no one thought it odd that I was a tomboy. I taught myself how to camouflage in high school - how to dress like the other girls so I wouldn't get labelled a nerd, and how to avoid the 'Social Police' as much as possible.

Not a bad article, but this sentence bothered me:

"This is one of the difficulties of talking to autistic people: they find it easier to talk about concrete realities - bus routes, football, a broken clothes-horse - than about issues or theories."

I really enjoy talking about issues and theories!

By the way, I bought the book 'Women From Another Planet', and absolutely love it.

Yes, me too (to the above).
I prefer discussing human nature, intangible forces & dynamics (mental phenomenon and the social factors that transmit, perpetuate, and/or thwart them-such as neurobiology of cognition, emotion, and sensation) than talking about concrete/physical objects out in the world.

Since there are 2 parallel threads on article running in different sections of site (I hadn't seen this thread here until now). My comment was in other one:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt77787.html
In which I wrote:

Thanks for link to article.
Have read the book "Women from Another Planet", and it's neat to hear more about them.

Makes me a little envious, though, because I dearly wish I had group like this (speaking as a woman with AS myself) accessible to my geographic location.
However, there aren't even enough (recognized) adults with AS nearby (since I live too far from urban centers) to have a group for "non-children", "non-parents": just "grown up" individuals (with ASD themselves)-let alone, have a group comprised only of females with AS.
Y'know ?

I was trying to 'fly under the radar,' therefore, i've mostly myself to blame and thank. Saved being pumped full of pills and yet I did not receive the support I required at times.

I totally agree with the article...I've been pretending and acting since I was a young child. Even before I knew I was an Aspie, I sometimes consciously assumed a fake personality, just to get through a difficult event or meeting. It's exhausting, but I learned how to speak "normal" as a second language.

Me too...I could have written this.