chocolate

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humiliation

breast reduction surgery

naked

exposed

ashamed

morally inferior

inadequate

helpless

hopeless

ate the strawberry chocolate chips off of four Fiber One bars. pretty good

a disproportionate number of servants @ home depot, overweight. they do the same things skinny people do. exception: long distance running. but not all skinny people do long distance running either. those overweight servants appear happy. (things not always the way they appear). those overweight servants have friends, family, jobs, drive cars, whatever.

working @ home depot has almost "normalized" being overweight. which is much different from when i went to ucsd in la jolla and almost everyone was scrawny.

below salvage value

hopeless

helpless

graceful degradation

rapidly getting much worse

grossly misunderstood

psychobabble

Ate all the peanut butter and chocolate chips off a box of Chewy bars

Tasted good

Not out of control

Not addictive

Enjoyed it

Mutilation

Bdsm

Thin line between pleasure and pain

"Thin line between love and hate"

Constantly struggling to stay awake

Constantly outnumbered outsmarted overpowered

Don't belong nowhere

Going nowhere in "life"

Almost get hit by a car a couple of times a year

Misunderstood

Rude annoying customers

Dogs

Afraid of getting made redundant

Zero occupational prospects

Stuck in the past

on the other hand, chocolate only makes me feel better while i am eating it, which only takes a couple minutes @ most. after that, ashamed, guilty, embarrassed.

want chocolate.

love

safe secure stable

understood affection recognition belonging

got no future

nothing seems worth the effort

constantly getting misunderstood

outnumbered overpowered outsmarted

Nothing I do is good enough for any practical purpose but I feel guilty, ashamed, lazy and useless when I don't do anything. Besides for many years I was unemployed. No paying job. Lives with my old man and old woman. Nothing going on in "life"

Even right now I am just working part time

Hate explaining things to precious lil "people"

Want dark chocolate

been eating the peanut butter and chocolate chips off boxes of Chewy bars.

chocolate off Fiber bars.

cravings gone haywire.

cravings

stressed out all the time

exhausted all the time

feel like falling off the treadmill. feel like the rug got pulled out from under me.

love peanut butter

skippy

jif

Pancake
Waffle
Pizza
Stroganoff
Calzone
Sugar salt fat
Ruffles
Ice cream
Sheet cake
Muffins scones pie cupcake
Tuna salad
Fried chicken

Been feeling like I have been dying. On the other hand been feeling like that since 12 and 42 now and still not dead

Indulge

Out of control

Binge

Gorge

42 already pretty old and I am not going to accomplish anything worth the carbon footprint anyways. (Cost benefit analysis).

Some articles are that the average autistic lifespan only 36-58 years

Transsexuals, short lifespan

Besides, quality versus quantity

And my health rapidly plummeting.

Best case scenario: graceful degradation

Worst case scenario: subject to imagination

Sooner or later everyone has to drop dead anyways

But whatever. With the $$ & health and job & social situation, haven't wanted to continue living, since 12. Now 42

42 nothing accomplished

How is that even possible?

Seventh grade teacher said write two pages about what you accomplished

Student said, what if you did not accomplish two pages worth of things

Teacher said then write two pages about how you managed to get to seventh grade without accomplishing two pages of things

sometime around august 10, 2025, it will have been three years without junk food (exception: white bread and granola bars).

cravings gone haywire

takes all my emotional resilience and mental strength to successfully refrain from cramming the maximum number of muffins and chocolate into my ugly fat stupid head.

nothing i do is good enough to accomplish any practical purpose.

42 nothing accomplished.

decomposing and rotting

those 3 years, zero noticeable health changes. exception: frozen feet in the winter. dyssergenic defecation. exhausted all the time. trouble sleeping. after two hours of waking up, nap. (on the other hand, maybe if i were to have eaten junk food those three years, i would've gotten even worse health than i have now.... - not a controlled experiment).

Every day, every meal, wanna gorge

My boss seems to enjoy being an annoying lil dips**t

Micromanaging

Obsession preoccupation

Destroyed my career

Sabotaged my occupational prospects

hardly ever feel hungry per se, but usually once i start eating, i feel like i can't stop until something drastic happens.

addictive personality

food addiction

carbohydrates

serotonin

vicious cycle

don't enjoy anything else that much. as eating. gorging binging.

if and when i make it to around august 10, 2025 w/out junk food (exception: white bread, granola bar), it will have been three years.

doubt that i will be able to make it

exhausted all the time

everything is hard. every slightest movement takes an unbelievable amount of effort/energy to execute. rapidly getting much physically weaker. struggling every day to stay awake, esp on the way to and from work.

things feel surreal/dissociated. like i see/hear them but could not address or interact with them per se, at least, not in real time.

feel like i am dying. talking seems to take way too much thought. every slightest thing. i do not understand how/why so many precious lil "people" flap their traps so much.

feels like my brain has been on "off" mode since 12 or so but lately, it's like constant "brainfart".

emotional overeating

out of control

suppressed, depressed, oppressed, repressed

yesteday, saw Lot Attendant John buy a Crunch bar. i could use a Crunch bar. one a day for the rest of my pathetic lil "life" s**t. i tried so hard, "and got so far, but in the end, it doesn't even matter". (efficiency). failure. loser.

i've been wounded.