chocolate

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What is so bad about being fat?

Disease discrimination inconvenience

But I am 42 so whatever

"Life" has been over for a long time anyways


Maybe I should just give up trying to be skinny

Nothing matters anyways

Suspect nutritional deficiency causing chronic exhaustion but blood work within standard reference range

cravings constantly gone haywire

weird - past couple weeks, weight has gone a lil down, even though eating the same amount and 42. you would expect metabolism to go down, not up.

testosterone increases metabolism. sometimes it's inconvenient to refill testosterone. insurance and pharmacy problems. time, $$ and energy. take less testosterone.

tired of eating the same thing every day.

wish i had magical metabolism & more $$$.

& tired of taking the bus to drag a couple $$ of grub. bus takes time, $$ and energy.

grocery costs skyrocketing

cravings gone haywire

chocolate

pasta

carbohydrates

cheddar

looking @ coworkers' grub makes me feel deprived.

on the other hand, weight has been stable or actually going down.

interoception makes it hard to know when i'm hungry and i keep eating until feel full until bloated or something.

not satisfied

wish i had servants to cook for me, like aikido "instructor" KF.

Tomorrows breakfast

Naan, bao, taro cake
Milk

Fiber one bar

Broccoli carrots chestnut
Jalepino
Watermelon
Chicken

Nothing else in refrigerator

berry bread
pancakes
waffles
ice cream
cake
pie
donut
cookie
lasagna
enchilada
taco

binge
gorge

fried chicken
stuffing

due to menstruation and over 40, diet must change improve. immediately, permanently, drastically.

dreading it.

besides, my coworkers (and plenty of other idiots), eat diets lightyears worse than mine, and they do not appear to waste nearly as much time in the ludderbox as myself.

maybe it's not such a bad thing for me to gain a lot of weight. besides, i'm 42 years old and have rapidly been on the decline for a long time, and was never that great to begin with.

metabolism rapidly declining. emotional overeating. grocery costs skyrocketing. food dessert. pretty soon, will be too busy, physically weak, old, disabled, injured to walk so far. so whatever.

"And Resignation was her crony"

yesterday @ the bus stop, found:

4 pieces cheese pizza
one tomato sandwich
one eggplant sandwich

they looked sanitary. (things not always the way they appear)

risk vs reward

and then i thought back to the 2016 bus stop tamales and their resulting constipation, but it looked so delicious and i NEVER purchase things like that to eat.

ate the tomato and eggplant (only) out of the sandwiches. did not eat the cheese, but it was hard to separate the cheese from the bread. ate the crust (only) off one piece of pizza. ate the bread off one sandwich.

after dinner yesterday, (57 min bm).

throat felt greasy. menstrual cycle came just last week, for the first time since january 2022. paranoid of getting menstrual cycle again. however, my lowest weight last week, was below the weight quota for joining the military. and i find it hard to imagine the scale malfunctioning. so i don't understand why/how menstruation happened. if i don't want menstrual cycle to come again, i have to drastically improve diet. which is HARD b/c: emotional overeating, $$$, cooking.

considered throwing away the leftovers but didn't because of retail value.

throat felt greasy after dinner.

throat still feels greasy right now.

For the first time since August 2022, ate a Reese's

Chocolate and peanut butter

Delicious

yesterday and today, tuna sushi from food maxx. tasted good enough.

kind of wanted to go to ranch 99, trader joe's, or safeway or (city) bowl or whatever. but, that takes time, $$$ and energy to get there. just wanted to get to my house and sit in front of the computer.

Even though my refrigerator already had six fiber one bars, I still went to smart and final and wasted cash on five more bars.

Ate two of them

Want to eat the chocolate out of the other ones

I am so pathetic

Nothing I do is good enough

Comfort

Scared

Overpowered outnumbered outsmarted

Overwhelmed

Angela w

No "friends"

Bored and lonely

No future

Usually my stupid lil girl boss Angela w doesn't work on Fridays so when I saw her car I wanted to puke

Stress ate a Reese's during lunch. Delicious

Considered eating just one cup and not two but temptation

Chocolate and peanut butter perfection

Broccoli carrots and chestnut and tofu bland and boring. Although boring could be a good thing

Chicken and Reese's cups and fiber one bars

Still didn't seem like enough to eat

Metabolism skyrocketing

Grocery costs skyrocketing

before work, in the lockerroom, ate the chocolate off a kit kat.

during lunch, ate the wafers and sugar.

today, @ food maxx, bought a kit kat.

ate the kit kat as part of lunch. should've eaten slower and enjoyed it more. i wish the serving size was smaller - would've been contented with a serving half the size.

kind of want the dark chocolate kit kat, but none of the grocery stores i've gone to, sell them.

A couple of days ago ate the oreo flavored Reese's

The "creme" part delicious