Thoughts on quitting

Post Reply New Topic

Before I start I feel I should warn people this will probably be a long rant basically, as it is currently 4.20am on another sleepless night and ive created this account as I need somewhere to go because im beyond frustration right now . So I apologize in advance

I would like to get some opinions as well as just vent to be honest regarding diet and exercise. I have aspergers, ocd and a lifelong problem with crippling self esteem and self loathing issues.

I have been exercising and tracking my macros fanatically for a large chunk of my life and am struggling on what to do.
My options are
1: Stick with it
which would have me sit at a healthier but still light weight- as I would be tracking my macros and trying desperately to gain weight, but even when taking in thousands of calories and hitting my macros with the stress and constant vomitting my body never gets to fully digest food and as a result even after over a decade of journals and record keeping I couldn't tell you my maintenance level of calories if you paid me and my fitness level in terms of amount of weight I can lift and my cardiovascular performance have never got past the very weak beginner stage that the vast majority of people could surpass with a couple of months of semi-strict training. Plus at 5ft9 the heaviest I have ever been is 144lbs which is not enough to have any real muscle mass.

should technically be healthier- but as I cant measure the damage the increase in both stress and being ill which are already a big problem in my life is doing I can't guarantee it.

should technically add time to my lifespan- which would be good as death terrifies me, but same as above with being even more stressed, getting even less sleep and being sick even more often and more severely I can't be sure I would actually get this benefit.


2: Quit working out and tracking macros
I would get very thin due to naturally small appetite and not religiously forcing down food in a vain hope of building muscle. -speaking from experience I would end up at a very light weight that cant possible be good for the body to maintain for a long period of time.

This would also affect my self esteem/ self loathing problems as my body holds fat horribly, my family ( who I managed to hide the physical sickness from for years) actually use to think I was anorexic and/or bulimic as I end up with clearly worryingly thin limbs and a very gaunt face yet because my body stores every gram of fat in my torso I end up with a gross torso which if looked at on its own you'd guess the person is sitting at 25+% bodyfat (obesity range)

possibly have a shorter life span - my mortality plagues my mind and keeps me awake more than it probably should for a relatively health 24 year old, but of course there's no way of knowing a life span for certain.
also on this matter in one way my life however long it may be would be bad as id continue to struggle with literally no self esteem/bad body image and would get angry at myself for not trying and/or not being able to change that

in some ways life would be slightly better in that without the gym I would be a bit less stressed each day, be sick a bit less often, be frustrated less often ( as everytime I failed in the gym even as much as a single exercise I would get unbelievably angry at myself) and instead of pointlessly forcing down food that my body never, never ever gets to fully digest I would just eat what I wanted.

So, workout- be stressed, possibly a bit healthier, possibly live longer, but exacerbate all the issues that make my life difficult and when I fail an exercise which happens essentially every single gym session due to not feeling well and my body running on empty spend the rest of the day furious at myself for being a failing piece of s**t and comparing myself to "normal" people that can simply go to the gym and with no real effort be better than me
Or
quit- slightly lessen most of the issues that make my life difficult, but continue to struggle with body image and self worth issues and occasionally get angry at self for failing to physically improve despite sacrificing half my life thus far to do just that all of which would feed my depression.


I should also mention that I have had my diagnosis for years, been to numerous therapists/psychologists and the likes,countless Asperger's groups and support meetings and have been on every medication under the sun for stress, anxiety, nerves, depression, sleep problems but nothing has ever had any affect whatsoever apparently im immune to medicine so unfortunately there's no assistance that way

I realize its my decision and I don't expect anyone to have all the answers, but at this point im lost enough that for the first time in my life im using a forum (never had any sort of online presence other than email up until now) so any thoughts or opinions will be greatly appreciated. Again I apologize for the probably incoherent rant, I hope I posted in the right section and im off to hopefully get some sleep this night.

Most people are not naturally fit. They workout, diet and make little progress. Do not focus on the athletes. There is no way to compete with them. I tried and all I got was injured.

Take a step back and figure out a good balanced workout. Exercise is good for your body and your mind. A more relaxed exercise routine may be better for you.

I agree with goatfish. The vast majority of people don't really exercise much at all or are at most casuals, but are considered 'serious' in the eyes of most people.

E.g. the guy who only works out once or twice a week is seen as hardworking when most professional bodybuilders/athetes will declare him a 'casual'/non-dedicated gym-goer.\

And there's no shame in being a casual - it's normal.

Anyway, no offense sir but I honestly don't understand how after over a decade of your dedication you have seen little to no weight gain or results.

I honestly think the problem is that you are overthinking it, and this has been extremely counter-productive.

You honestly sound like you have an eating disorder, obsessing over food and calories/macros this much, along with saying something about vomiting. Do you also exercise excessively?

I know a lot of bodybuilders to calculate macros/calories, but usually after a while become comfortable taking rough guesses/estimates.

This is what I do. I never truly calculated my calories but simply experimented with food portions and how my body reacted to it over-time e.g. gaining fat quickly = eating far too much, not training muscles enough.

We've got to get to the root of the problem to figure out what's wrong. If eating healthier, in a calorie surplus and strength training has been so hard, so stressful and difficult, what has been causing this?

Do you have depression, anxiety, anger issues, etc. that a psychologist or councillor could help you control?

These things usually are big factors that affect your ability to exercise and/or eat (e.g. depression = lack of motivation, loss of appetite, anxiety = if you have no exercise equipment, you might be too afraid to use a gym because of the other people there).

It's a fact that muscle hypertrophy/growth happens best during the deeper stages of sleep, something insomnia or just general lack of sleep can negatively effect/delay.

My personal story is that I was initially skinny-fat but lost a significant amount of weight in both muscle and fat at first, essentially starving myself as my body was deprived of its necessary nutrients.

I started working out properly along with eating a high amount of food however mostly gained fat instead of muscle. I had one last cut/weight loss in fat, and since August have been on a slow/lean bulk/muscle gain.

"This would also affect my self esteem/ self loathing problems as my body holds fat horribly, my family ( who I managed to hide the physical sickness from for years) actually use to think I was anorexic and/or bulimic as I end up with clearly worryingly thin limbs and a very gaunt face yet because my body stores every gram of fat in my torso I end up with a gross torso which if looked at on its own you'd guess the person is sitting at 25+% bodyfat (obesity range)"

- Yep, that sounds like skinny-fat.

It's essentially a thin-person who still had a high body fat and low muscle tone. Essentially, most skinny people have low muscle and low fat, skinny-fat = low muscle, moderate fat.

The typical 'skinny-fat' look is - bulging, pot-belly, skinny, angular, noodle like arms with very low muscle, chunky legs, 'moobs', and chunky looking back.

It's a body type I'm so glad I overcame, because it just looks so out-of-shape - skinny guys with no muscle look more fit even if it's just an illusion.

Anyway, in a nutshell/short version:

- If you are having trouble like stress, depression, anxiety, etc. why not go for help. These can all affect your health not just mentally, but physically as well.
- Overthinking and always being stressed and worried about macros/calories is counter-productive and generally results in more harm done than good imho.
- Stay dedicated. You definitely sound like you've stayed strong through all this. I personally had eating disorders/body image issues myself where I'd starve myself to lose weight, excessively exercise, etc. but made it through to look at my peak that I am now. You can do it too...

"- If you are having trouble like stress, depression, anxiety, etc. why not go for help. These can all affect your health not just mentally, but physically as well."
"Do you have depression, anxiety, anger issues, etc. that a psychologist or councillor could help you control?"

The problem is ive exhausted every avenue of help, I dont live in a particularly big place and I can honestly say I have tried every medication - my doctors can no longer think of any others to try

been to ever psychologist/ therapist and the likes both ones ive been sent to by doctors and very expensive private ones ive paid out of my own pocket

attended very group, meeting, charity, social event etc for people with autism, aspergers and/or depression

tried every thing in regard to sleep problems- from prescription medication to herbal remedies, relaxtion techniques i've even tried a hypnotherapist for these issues

none of the things ive tried have had any affect whatsoever, unfortunately all the evidence points to there being nothing that can be done to help with the above issues and make life more tolerable

also the vomit I mentioned is a huge part of my life as every single thing that involves leaving the house, even "simple" non social things like walking my dog cause me enough stress that my body reacts by being physically sick every single day of my life, and the gym being an added stress just makes this happen more often


"Take a step back and figure out a good balanced workout. Exercise is good for your body and your mind. A more relaxed exercise routine may be better for you."

ive also had my best shot at this, I quit exercising for a while but then I got back into it and tried to go with a positive mind sent instead of saying " I need to exercise and diet as i need abs to be a worthwhile person" I really tried to think of it as " im spending a few hours a week, listening to music and doing an activity I choose to do in order to be healthy" but even so after a couple of months back at it and I again hit an embarrassingly low wall and was seeing people much newer to the lifestyle surpass me with ease I again started to hate the process.

I am sorry to hear of your troubles.

Every morning after breakfast, I do my floor exercises at home. They stretch me out and help build strength. The routine changes depending on what hurts and what is strong.

Twenty minutes a day and I feel good. I also have a gym routine which is more challenging. My body needs to heal and I make sure it is not overtaxed, getting old.

Good luck

Paul

I still wouldn't give up on the 'relaxing' program.

Alright, I suggest purchasing a home gym set. It may be one of the only ways to exercise comfortably.

Have you tried at home exercise before? Even ones that don't require any equipment?

How have you felt doing them, mentally and physically?

If they physically make you sick, nauseous, about to pass-out, etc. than it's too much for your body to handle. Take it a bit easier. The ideal is to push your bodie's limits but still feel physically comfortable for the most part. To feel you muscles ache, but not like they're going to tear off or anything.

But do you still feel anxiety in the comfort of your own home doing this? Why might that be?

Anyway, how have you mentally felt at home exercise? It appears you've had low motivation and been discouraged.

When it comes to diet, just how many extra calories are you consuming? I know the pain as well of feeling like you have to force down so many food.

I suggest eating in only a slight calorie surplus. The average adult needs 2,000 calories a day to maintain their weight - most people trying to gain muscle will eat 3,000-3,500.

This isn't necessary. You WILL gain weight if you eat at a very slight surplus - eating 100-500 extra calories instead of 1,000-1,500.

You also don't even need to eat at a certain time or a certain amount of meals - it's about calories in, calories out.

If you could, perhaps try and eat all your food at times AFTER your business for the day is all done and you can be comfortable at home -e.g. the afternoon and night. You may feel less energy throughout the day, I will admit, but it might be necessary to prevent getting sick.

And tbh, if it's really that difficult to gain muscle, although I'd usually advise against this, you can still choose to gain it in fat. Even if your body stores fat poorly due to poor genetics, you'd at least not be underweight anymore and there are many health issues associated with being underweight.

Don't eat unhealthy and stuff yourself with unhealthy food, but continue to eat healthy and your macros but eat more food than you need daily.

The fat can be lost later and you can at least be comfortable knowing you're not underweight.

Im sorry for this and hope im not coming across really arrogant but again unfortunately ive tried all those things.

"Have you tried at home exercise before? "

I have, and whilst it is less stressful than going to an actual gym it is still a very stressful/ vomit inducing experience as the nerves about being in public arent there but the nerves and frustration and lack of progress are so in terms of how I feel doing this its no real improvement over the gym as it is still a part of my life that makes my literally sick and miserable.

"When it comes to diet, just how many extra calories are you consuming? I know the pain as well of feeling like you have to force down so many food."

I wasnt exaggerating when I said ive spent half my life focusing on this goal so im all well versed on diets by now. When I first started weighing my food i went by the daily recommended amount for adult males 2500 calories, stuck with that for a few weeks weighing myself once a week always on the same day, at the same time in the same clothes to minimize fluctuation as much as possible and my weight was either exactly the same or less so I increased by 100 calories a day and repeated the tracking and weighing process. But my body never gets to fully digest food so even when I reached 4750 calories a day ( a hell of a lot for a 5 ft 9 unemplyed guy who only went to the gym 3 times a week) I still wasn't gaining weight.

"If you could, perhaps try and eat all your food at times AFTER your business for the day is all "

Unfortunately even at the end of a day im still nervous, because I will be a wreck thinking about the things I have to do the next day a problem which no amount of therapy, meditation, medication etc has been able to scratch yet.

"And tbh, if it's really that difficult to gain muscle, although I'd usually advise against this, you can still choose to gain it in fat"

same problems as above really, i am a nervous ready to vomit mess literally every second im conscious so whether or not i exercise or eat "good" or "bad" foods my body still only ever gets to partially digest anything

Again sorry if it seems like im brushing off your advice, but im just trying to be honest about what ive already tried.

It sounds like you have an eating disorder and OCD. Vomiting regularly isn't normal or healthy, even if only from anxiety.

I would see a medical doctor to rule out intestinal issues, food allergies, celiac disease, inflammatory bowel disease, other autoimmune diseases.

I focus on food a lot myself, but I don't throw up or force feed myself. And I definitely see progress in strength and muscle mass every week at the gym. Not seeing progress sounds abnormal to me and it sounds like something to talk to a medical professional about.