Still processing psychotic episode I had when I was 14

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Now a lot of people may thinking I'm moping or depressed or anxious as I'm doing this, but in actuality I'm still amazed I developed such a mental state, and am working on processing it. For the longest time, I was more able to admit to the dangerous, bizarre behavior I engaged in during that episode than I was able to admit to the psychosis itself.

Basically, when we were vacationing in early to mid-June 1998, I saw a sign, and these ideas that I had been playing with for the previous few months became solidified and seemed to be revelations presented by the sign. I was excited, though also confused, about these ideas, but I would no longer question them. For the next month, I would keep them secret, keeping a quiet sense of superiority as I had unlocked the secrets to the universe and was about to become superpowerful. I would go on an international flight, even see mental health professionals during this time, and no one spotted that I was psychotic. After about a month, I began to feel increasing pressure to act on my ideas and the excitement gave way to terror. It seemed like someone else was present and expected me to do this, so I started acting on it and landed in the hospital. In the hospital, however, after the shock, I would start beliving these delusions again, but once I was put on high dose antipsychotic, my conviction grew weaker with time. I remember a strong sense of disappointment as this happened. I would eventually make a full recovery from this and have not had another episode since.

I'm also processing the possible diagnoses. Now, I exhibited disorganized speech, inappropriate affect, and of course negative symptoms (shared with ASD), along with the delusions. What complicated things, however, was that I was very guarded. Basically, I was worried about being labelled as crazy or schizophrenic, because I really thought my ideas were true and thought that they wouldn't understand. I ended up getting diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder, comorbid with Asperger syndrome. Despite that, I was treated as though I were psychotic and put on high-dose antipsychotic and given CBT to learn to monitor my thoughts (stop interrupt redirect refocus!).

Nevertheless, now that I've been diagnosed with bipolar NOS, it has been suggested by one of my current clinicians that I actually sufferred from bipolar mania at age 14, but I'm skeptical of that. When I attempted to discuss the reasons why I was skeptical, he did not permit further discussion. But it has to do with the fact that in bipolar disorder, when you're psychotic you're in a mood state of some sort. That means for at least the whole time I was psychotic, I must have been manic. One of the characteristics of mania, as I understand, is that it's very easy to spot that something is out of whack with this person, especially if you know the person and especially if you're a mental health professional. During my psychotic episode and the time I was supposed to have been manic, I saw multiple mental health professionals (including at least one who had known me for months), and not a single one of them had thought something was out of whack. During my psychotic episode, until towards the end, I was able to keep functioning at least at baseline, and it was simply my little secret that gave me a quiet sense of superiority.

Now, I know that people are sensitive to this, so I'm not going to give a positive answer. Nevertheless, despite a poor prognosis, I was able to do quite well! Adopting an Aspie identity really helped with recovery, as it gave me an explanation for my differences but also hope for the future; whereas, had they handed down a diagnosis like schizophrenia (which might very well have been the correct diagnosis), it likely would have been very discouraging. Finally, the high-dose antipsychotic ameliorating that cognitive disorganization I had been dealing with since age 8 at the earliest, I remember being able to communicate with people better and more confidently. Before, people always seemed to misunderstand me, which was highly discouraging and a major source of frustration, but afterwards, I noticed I could explain stuff and other people would think it made sense! That in and of itself was wonderful!

Of course, with all this, I always wonder if I couldn't have another psychotic episode, especially with recent trouble and an increase in stressors. A lot of people are like, Well, don't mope or be anxious about this! And I'm like, I'm not. In fact, I treat it as something that if it's going to come then let it come. Nevertheless, I am curious about studying the kinds of symptoms that have been occuring, symptoms that could lead to another episode. Still, I plan to cooperate with my mental health providers on this.

It sounds the most like some form of schizophrenia to me. Why do you say you would feel discouraged at that diagnosis though?

Nowadays, probably not, especially with the retrospective knowledge of how I was able to recover. In my current bout with illness, knowledge that I was able to recover is encouraging. In my teens, though, I was afraid of that label and when you're in the midst of severe illness and get slapped with a label like that it can be discouraging.

I was psychotic on and off in childhood. I was under rather extreme psychological situations as a child though. I do worry now, that I might tip back into psychosis. I don't think I'm schizophrenic though. (But then again, if I would have seen a psych at that age, I would certainly have been diagnosed as such.)

Hi,

I wanted to relay to you that I had a VERY similar experience when I was 13. I thought that the tv was giving me signs, and it had something to do with ghosts and secret passageways. For months before that, I was convinced I was psychic, and that I could read minds, but also implant suggestions into other people. One part of the story that is different is that my behavior didn't get that odd (it got odd enough that I lost all my friends) and I wasn't hospitalized, but I chock that up more to parental neglect than anything. I also wasn't sleeping,but I had severe (like 2or 3 hours of sleep) insomina throughout my childhood. As with you, noone realized anything was wrong, except my friends, but that may be partly due to the fact that I have a very introverted nature. Hard to say.

As an adult, I have been diagnosed with Bipolar, and that might be accurate, but it's hard to say because I am not currently that way and have not been in many years, despite not taking any meds.

I have had a couple of other "psychotic" episodes, but they have all been either caused by medical issues or extreme stress. I have not medicated any of them, as when they happen it seems real and I don't know anything is wrong. They go away on their own after a time. Now I know that if I have even a hint of it, I have to make sure i'm taking care of myself so it doesn't get worse, which works really well.

The other really bad episode I had was right after I gave birth. No- I didn't want to hurt my kid. I had this extreme belief that if he was not phsycially touching me at all times, he would die. I also hallucinated a shadow man that came to try to take him at one point. Again, no meds and it went away on its own.

I guess I writing this to let you know that other people go through this, and it is not always that bad. I am a professional person, and I live a full life, and I don't care anymore what it's called, I just need to be careful of it.