Just "not normal"

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My latest diagnosis is "Bipolar 1 with psychosis, GAD, borderline, and oh you might have autism afterall"

Anyway I'm sick of being "different". As a kid, I might have been "Gifted" but the daily meltdowns at school, my overall "ADHD" as it was called back then, my need of social skills counseling, heck even physically I'm different something STILL undiagnosed is wrong with my muscles and I'm very weak and could never run.

I'm plain tired of it. I'm also tired of being mostly independent day to day and on top of that taking care of someone else, but Im stuck on SSI.

And I just cannot "connect" to people, even others with some of the same diagnosis as me. Here I'll go back to the drop in center to meet up socially with others with mental health problems, but I have never really found someone similar to me.

Maybe you are looking too hard to find someone too similar to yourself. Everyone is unique. Embrace it.

You have something to contribute, and even if you were an isolated hermit (Which I bet many of us would love to be!) and invisible struggles...you are still a valid member of humanity.

I have things similar to you.

Not all but some.

When and if I think or thought of myself as LESS,
or 'abnormal' or 'better off dead' or 'different'
especially due to so much loneliness (brain is just totally unable to connect socially to others to the level others can as u explained),

when I thought this way, even recently,
guess what.

My lfie would get worse and worse, people (sick people in society or those who have a tendency to secretly bully/want to dominate, or those who have bad intentions) would SENSE this feeling I had (my own opinion of myself)
and decided that it made me an ideal target. So it intensified the abuse or mistreatment, rather than inciting compassion in them .

Someone like you probably has way more compassion for differences and those who feel beaten down, so you would probably never partake in such actions.

To such people , when u think low of yourself, you 'deserve' to be mistreated because u urself believe low of yourself.

They cannot understand THAT THERE IS NO REAL MORAL REASON , you don't ACTUALLY deserve to be treated less, etc. because such ppl operate on hierarchy, power imbalances, etc.

If you show (and believe) that u respect urself and seek to understand and love yourself
If you believe in always understanding yourself and doing best for you, and sticking up for urself even if it's hard (mentally), the bad things decrease and bad people back off. And good people start getting attracted towards your company in strange ways.

I.E. your self belief Is like an invisible advertisement to 'neurotypicals' of who you are. even though that isn't logical, that's how they think.

People that everyone admires who contributed to culture and civilization in various ways, eg. Charles Dickens,
are now said, by experts, including their biographers, to have had bipolar, etc.

Hans Christian Anderson, fromr Dickens' own account of him, sounds to me like a classic autist!

I think nowadays, contrary to what ppl like to say about celebrating differences, we are more isolated because of them, and need to push harder to others our value, our perspective, and our feelings.
To 'non ASD or seemingly Typical people' this is normal, and they understand this automatically.
But we don't know how to convey it oftentimes. So I hope u find a way to think highly of yourself, understand and appreciate yourself, and find ways to connect.

fORGive me if any of this was irrelevant or poorly written

Also SSI doesn't make u less. Despite what many very rich but immoral people want society to believe.