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you guys

I don't know what's harder; telling my therapist about what has been done to me or telling him all the s**t I've bestowed upon other people

That was quite a tough session, I've gotta say

^ I think that if you've got a good therapist, they wouldn't care at all. They'd be happy you shared both so you could work on them. If you have good reason to think they'd be judgmental about it, then maybe that's not a good fit. I hope you figure it out

He's never judged me in all the time I've known him
We made a promise of mutual honesty 3 years ago and that's all we ask of each other

I think sometimes I'm a bit too honest
And I share a bit too much

I do it to test him though sometimes

That's great! I love that you found him. I think the best therapy is when there's complete honesty because then the issues could be directly addressed. Bonus: It would be sooo efficient.

I think I've done the sharing too much thing. Most of the time it's because I don't know it's too much or irrelevant. Other times, it feels like it's something interesting to share in the moment, but then later it seems like I unconsciously did it test them. I don't think that at the time, but when I think about it later, it could serve that purpose. Other times, it's something that doesn't even make sense, and I wonder what the hell that was about myself.

I sometimes feel like I'm at least two people in one body and only have direct experience of one of the people, so who knows what's going on in there?? :shrugs:

If I hadn't found a remedy for my sleep issue within a month or so...

... It'll be one of the first things to bring up on my timely appointment with a neurodev.



More than a year ago...
I tried to get a neurodev appointment; to check that I might have ADHD or some mood disorder. Or an undiagnosed mental illness.

Turns out I was right; a good portion of it really is some too sensitive interoceptive issue.



That I cannot afford unresolved emotions or thoughts.
I cannot exactly carry them like most people carry their baggage.

I cannot afford to have a mental illness. Because I do not cope and gradually move on. I need overcoming instead, else I'll burnout very, very easily while dealing with crap and never get up unless I get rid of it for real.

That I cannot afford and adjust to subtle transitions of my hormonal cycles. That I need a biomedical intervention to stop making me not keep up with my own body.


That I cannot afford internal discomfort sensations; that I do not desensitize from within at all.


It did not matter if it's that one petty argument with my mom or that one joke I cannot shake off.

It did not matter if it's 2 minutes of cramping, 10+ years of dental chronic head pain, or 20+ years of post nasal drip.
It did not matter how much of these pains and discomforts multiply into countless mistakes, slights or whatever consequences.


To me, in the end, just another crap to regulate.
And I cannot multitask. I do not put a mask and pretend everything is OK, nor set myself up into a life of fearing of being found out.



If I hadn't found the remedy against or at least figure out that one unsolved daily living disruption of waking up painfully every day, ridding of the stupid normalized sensation of waking up stressed and tired -- within a month or less from now....

... I would had to bring that up to the timely appointment with a neurodev.

If I did happened to solve it before that, I'll show up to the neurodev as my closest fullest truer self.

And not as some sick version of myself that I ended up with for most of my life, that can be misdiagnosed with whatever mental illness or comorbidities that may not even there at all, all because of those interoceptive sensitivities interactions of neglected crap since childhood.

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^ Holy moly. This is what I'm telling my psychiatrist today. Wow...wowwwww.

Thank you, Edna3362!

To add to my previous post; my first attempt for neurodev was cancelled.

All because I thought people are meddling and my thoughts became very distrustful and burning out really hard enough to quit my job.


I'm going in this year, to have an update.
To make a decision.
Possibly my last ever thing I'd put an appointment over my neurodivergence.


As for the sleep issue itself.

I happened to hit the thing I sought for tonight. But I had to make sure that it is it.

It's just my first night, on a summer heat no less. If I can sleep rightfully where temperatures are far from optimal...

I wonder what I may unlock once I reach a certain point? That'll be the nail on the coffin for me.
Whatever hidden inner child to soothe, whatever complications finally undone...

I might've accomplish everything I need to do before my birthday.

Just as I wished it to be.

^ Holy moly. This is what I'm telling my psychiatrist today. Wow...wowwwww.

Thank you, Edna3362!

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My therapist said that I've been doing a lot of self reflection and growth this week

He's so funny

Mind you I like the growth part

It's like a flower

Yes it's nice when you start making discoveries about yourself through good therapy. It was a therapist who first got me interested in feelings and I figured out that I had an inferiority thing going on. Now I'm a bighead instead. It's much more fun.

Yeah that's what he's helping me with

My feeeeelings

So he's happy when I recognise when I feel sad etc etc

When I was in my 20s I got all logical and thought that feelings were outmoded Neanderthal things. I always preferred Mr. Spock to Captain Kirk, especially when Spock didn't want to bury the dead because they needed all the time they could get to escape from the planet before the monsters got them. After the therapy I became a bit more balanced, but I still think he had a point.

I've worked out sad and happy and a little bit about love but that's a minefield because there's so many different types of it and he tries to explain it all but I get on to the next thing before he's finished telling me

And I can't remember any more

Mine didn't try to explain much. They were very non-directive in those days so they'd just hint at things. My brain can't take in long explanations anyway, unless they write them down so I can read them at my own speed. Best way is for me to ask questions and get straight answers, but in those days I didn't know what to ask, so I didn't ask much.

I said that I thought I was ugly, and she said "You really felt that didn't you?" which puzzled me for a while until the penny dropped. Then she said "You've had a few sessions here and I can't see anything to be frightened about." That got me wondering what being frightened had to do with it, but I got the message in the end.