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My therapist told me that I shouldn't tell people everything but I hate having things inside me I do

It makes me feel like poo

^
Yes it can be a strain not being allowed to wear the heart on the sleeve. I always feel it puts up a wall between me and them. Mum always used to say "that mouth will be the death of you one of these days."

The psychologist who diagnosed me said that the closer you are to somebody, the more you keep from them. I still don't agree with that.

Yeah because I didn't used to talk about myself to anyone but then when I started I really like the feeling of getting all out there
Because I just think it clears the way for new stuff

Once the pressure's built up and you put a hole in the dam, splosh.

Yeah that's true that is mate

My triggers
My responsibility

I'm glad that I've learned when I've been dissociating now
That's quite a big thing for me because I used to didn't know

I don't know how to prevent it though or even if I can prevent it
But I've still made progress and that's better than nothing

It's very sad

I don't think I've been myself since Christmas time
It's just one thing after another innit
I can't even remember most of it to be honest

I've cancelled my therapy sessions for my emetophobia. I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do, but I was getting kinda overwhelmed with the homework I had to do each week. Also I kinda lost interest in the therapy even though I'm still terrified of vomiting. But I don't need therapy to tell me how vomiting works and why it's so useful to vomit. It ain't always useful. Except for food-poisoning, illnesses and hangovers, vomiting is pretty useless and should only be done as a last resort (the reason being the factors I stated). It shouldn't be required when having vertigo attacks or Meniere's disease or being pregnant, as there are no toxins to flush out, so what the F?

Even with viruses vomiting doesn't really need to happen, as it can just come out the other end, albeit still unpleasant.

Okay, I'm rambling. Long story short, I have cancelled my therapy sessions.

Emotions doesn't help me learn.
This isn't some weird sentiment, this was just a fact of life for me.

It could explain why I didn't started fawning. Why pain doesn't make me stop nor it actually lasts right after.

Didn't matter of it's positive or negative.

Solving said emotions actually did.
No matter how further or recent.

This is why I hunt them down to progress.
Supposedly there's a huge connection between emotions and learning yes?
That doesn't work for me either.

And I'm supposedly so emotional that everything mattered to me, yes? That I'll remember things.

Nope. What would it be if emotions itself are not as valuable, or worse, misleading?
Itself already distorted too many things for me. This is why I'd rather be alexithymic.


So -- amongst few things, one of my mission impossibles over self is to uncouple it; emotion and cognition.
It borders defying one of the foundations of human nature.

Since I cannot desensitize, I cannot dissociate -- yet I cannot learn? I cannot process things properly?
I do the same mistakes at particular times over and over on a schedule? States that will disregard my past and future?


Why rely on emotions, positive or negative?
To me, both are unreliable. Made inefficient, made distorted.
I want them all gone; the consequences done by the sick version of myself. Which is most of my younger selves -- about 99% of them.
Yes, even the 29 year old.

And just focus at the cognitive altogether, bypassing the emotional components.

Solve them all.


To most people, it's the autism that's the puzzle. That's not true in my case.

To me, it's the human.
The autism is just something I can hack it with.

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Oh it's fine I get it now

Yeah it's just with all the other stress I have going on in my life at the moment, focusing on therapy homework was becoming a burden. I'm already trying to look for a new job and a new flat, which is stressful.

I guess people have therapy for things that overtake their lives and are focusing too much on, ideally making it easier to do therapy homework, but for me consciously making myself think of vomiting Vs unconsciously panicking about vomiting are two different things lol. When I'm not feeling sick or come into contact with any sick, I don't think about it and I don't want to.