Narcassistic Personality Disorder

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I've met a few people with Narcassistic Personality Disorder throughout my life, but fortunately, I've never had to live with one for more than a week. I've always had a kind of complicated relationship with these people. On one hand, I feel sorry for them because in order to meet their emotional needs they have to do things that push people away from them which only causes further emotional pain shortly thereafter. I wouldn't wish something like that on my worst enemy. However, most of the people I've met who have this disorder have done things I'm not sure I can forgive and are certainly not people that I'd like to have any kind of relationship with. This is not to say that all people with Narcassistic Personality Disorder are bad people. Just like schizophrenia, aperger's, sociopathy or any other unusual patern of behavior, there are significant variations within the category. I once met a sociopath named Jeff who was a perfectly nice guy despite being incapable of empathy. The same applies here.

I'm not sure what advice to give you, but I sincerely hope that everything works out well for you and your family.

Thanks Little Pig, I appreciate your support.

I agree with what you say. If they were completely horrible people, I wouldn't even bother trying, but the issue is that, while for the most part they can be ok, the times they aren't are unbearable at times. I'm working on trying to fix it, but it will take all of my patients, and more. All I can do is to hope that they will realise that what they are doing is harmful, and stop.

From what I know of narcissists, they can not be fixed nor do they want to be. If you get in the trap of wanting to help them, you will be hurt. A narcissist knows very well the pain he or she inflicts. A narcissist gets off on this pain. In his/her twisted mind, it is revenge for real or imagined slights - and since the narcissist blames others and accepts no responsibility, he or she thinks that the suffering person deserved what they got.

The narcissist does not deserve your help - you can only pity, and perhaps forgive, knowing that the narcissist became this way when he/she lost his/her true self, perhaps due to mistreatment or abuse. But you can't save the narcissist; the narc does not want to be saved.

If you give your love, your openness, trust and goodwill to the narcissist, thinking that this will save them, then the narcissist will crush you mercilessly.

I know - it happened to me.

Hi Sarah

Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear that you've had to deal with this, and it sounds like you know exactly what I mean. It's pretty brutal.

To say that they will 'crush you mercilessly' sums it up pretty well. In saying that, I have learned not to face this issue any longer with love, and kindness, but by digging my heels in, and standing my ground. At times this is enough, and at other times it kills me. It's very much a struggle for power. While I am rarely able to win the battles, the most I can hope for is a stale mate, where she burns out, and looses interest; I find if she can't get what she's after easily, she gives up. It's not easy though; unlike me, she's equipped with 'weapons of mass destruction'.

I don't know if there are varying degrees of NPD, as there are of AS, or if a person can change, but I do believe that if my sister does in fact have it, it has lessened over the years. It has damaged many lives along the way, including mine, but I have learned to fight it back, as painful as it is to do so. I feel that this helps, if only to make living with her more tolerable, though I must admit it has eaten away a large portion of my strength, and at times, my soul. Knowing what NPD is like, you must think me mad, but as avoiding my family is currently not an option for me, I have resorted to this.

I'm still unsure whether she has in fact softened due to changes over time, or due to her new partner, or whether my strength in standing up to her has simply 'changed her target', as there are times I still see it flare right up again when she's facing others. I suppose all I can do is continue, until I can be free of this situation, and be thankful that for the time being that it is under control...most days.

Hi Hart,
You are very strong, to have tolerated it so long. If the narc is choosing other targets, you are doing as well as you can. The best punishment for the narc is for them to have no targets at all. It's hard to leave it alone, but that's the best you can do. If you can't avoid family for the moment, just avoid the narc while you are with the family. Watch him/her react - notice that the narc will either start dishing out the control, or if that doesn't work, the charm will come out to try to get more followers. Hopefully you will be able to observe this behaviour without it sapping your strength. Just ignore it. The best part is when you can pretend you have a secret, that the narc desperately wants to find out in order to control you better. The narc will go wild over something like that.

Thanks Sarah, I appreciate that

And yeah, well aware of her need to control every situation, and dish out orders. She can be very charming when she wants too as well; she's quite resourceful. I've learned to understand her motives when she tries to 'trick' me in to swaying her way. I find when I point out what she's doing, she dislikes that, but ultimately understands that I can't be controlled this way anymore. She usually relies on others to judge me if she can't get her way, but I've long lost the patience to care for the judgement of others, so that's another tool she can't use against me. Anyone who's judgement I do care about, I simply don't bring them home to meet her.

I don't know if it's because of her high intelligence that plays for an interesting factor here, but I feel it can go both ways. Her intelligence can easily get her what she wants most of the time, and gives her more heavy duty tools for her to manipulate others, but it also makes it easier to reason with her, I believe. I'm not saying my mother's not intelligent, but she can't be reasoned with, at all, which is why I chose to live with my sister instead.

Seems to be a wise decision.

My heart goes out to you , my mom is like this , we are no contact now and it is truly the best decision I could have made. You are doing the right thing limiting your contact with her. I try to be the best mom I can and try to put my energy doing rescue, fostering and giving my time to charities. While I feel my mom was evil I do not want to ever be like her. I thank god everyday for the blessing of having a daughter whom I can never hurt. My therapist is helping me to mother myself and on mothers day or her birthday I do something good for someone who really needs and wants my help. Usually I do these things quietly because I am such a loner in my old age. I was never physically abused but the emotional abuse leaves a lot of scars inside .

Thanks for you support

I'm sorry to hear that you too have had to endure this. I'm happy to hear you're doing better now, and that you've dedicated yourself to being a good person; very admirable.

Hart, that sounds much like the sort of things that happen in my family.

My hard experience has been that narcissists and sociopaths have some things in common: they are not curable, and attempts to joust with them are futile. It is hard enough for an NT; as an Aspie I seem particularly vulnerable. Any interactions with them will eventually result in emotional, mental, physical, or financial harm to me.

The best that I know to do is, whenever possible, have nothing to do with such people. When completely severing interactions is not possible (e.g. family), I at least minimize interactions and do my best to keep firm boundaries. It is quite draining to do.

Hey Marky, thanks for posting.

Sorry to hear you've experienced what I have. At the moment unfortunatley I don't have much of a choice in the matter, though I have limited my exposure to the bare minimum. I don't think I could manage it 24/7. Sometimes all it takes is 30 mins for them to get under my skin.