I feel like I don't exist

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I had to check with my resident expert on the band/guilt thing. I suppose I get it.
Now that I think of it, that would probably be good for you. A nice, structured activity,
being needed and wanted, and you must like some part of it or you wouldn't have joined.
What do you play?

Sound like you have a depression, you should consult. This is also nothing to be ashamed off.

My brother plays the French Horn. Not the same as a trumpet, but anyway. He used it in the Army band and never left Fort Dix (during Viet Nam, when they had the draft and the GI bill). He still plays, but never really hoped to make a profession out of it. But college money and scholarships are good.

I'm still trying to figure out why you are "dreading" band season. What do you like about being in the band and what don't you like?

I do believe that this is, in part, a way of coping with anxiety.

Yesterday we had a fire drill.

Large crowds. The alarm. Dozens of voices. My friend poking me from behind. Being unable to get down the stairs because of the constant stream of people blocking my way.

I felt detached.

Usually I panic when I'm stuck in one place that way. Not this time. I just stood there calmly with my ears plugged.

This may sound corny but have you ever tried meditation? My dad claims that this is the only way to fully recognize your existance on this planet and that most people are NOT ever truelly concious. Infact you actually could be feeling your own existance more than most people as this is typical for people on the spectrum. You see many NTs pay attention to the existance of others:people,animals,objects and live tjeir lives only looking outside themselves into the physical world that surrounds them. They never look inside themselves. They never stop as I have several times since my childhood and though, "I'm here in this one little body and I'm interacting with such a giant world full off infinite physical things that include billions of others that are built exactly like me, yet I see them from the outside and will never see them in the same way I see myself.
I start to go crazy when I think like this, but I think it may be a good thing.

After skimming over that 18-page long thread in the General Autism Discussion section and seeing all the heated confrontation, I've realized something.

I'm almost afraid to exist.

I hate confrontation. Sometimes when I post and someone responds, I panic a little and think I've done something wrong and someone's yelling at me for it. When I do something wrong and get reprimanded, it's a sickening feeling.

All those people on that thread arguing (some seem to be denying that's what they're doing) exist. They're subjecting themselves to other people's anger and hurtful words. Just reading it terrifies me.