Talking About Trauma

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I’ve been in therapy for years and still can’t talk.

I could explore other avenues more, though.

I have come a long way in other areas. I’m just feeling very triggered right now. At least I’m making connections now. Before I’d feel miserable without really knowing why.

I can’t talk in-depth on here, though, and I feel like I need to actually speak out loud.

That's OK.
You're talking now (online), and I'm sure you've grown a lot in the ways that felt right for you.

Don't forget you're Neurodivergent.
Most of us don't like talking at the best of times.
Most of what we've been through can't even be put into words.
I have no words for a lot of my trauma.
I've given up trying to explain or justify feelings with words.

I know how the trauma felt (and still feels today).
I know right from wrong.
I use those feelings to inform how I live my life.

I've come a HELL of a long way just in the last two years.
Every day we think nothing is changing, but when you look back, it has.

I see a huge difference in you this time around, and I barely even know you.

Do you know of any groups specifically for people who left JW?
There might even be online groups.

Perhaps that would help to bridge the gap.
Instead of you being alone with a therapist, doing most of the talking, other victims could talk.
You would only need to say something when / if you felt ready to contribute.

I feel like I need to organize my thoughts or else I slide back into blaming myself. It’s probably related to being gaslit.

I think a trauma narrative would be helpful for me, but maybe I could try writing it instead of saying it. There are certain words that I cannot physically say.

Yeah, I was spending a lot of time on the exJW subreddit. It’s been helpful. I’ve also read books and listened to podcasts in Spanish by exJWs. I can practice my Spanish and relate to someone else’s nearly identical experience at the same time. Well, I’ve come to the conclusion that it would’ve been worse to be a JW in Cuba in the 90’s.

Writing can be very cathartic, for sure—especially for one who is literature-inclined.

I’m not much of a writer. Playing the piano is my primary creative outlet even though I love to read. Drawing is enjoyable, too.

Gaslighting -- Great word. That's exactly how complex trauma is caused.

Please realise CPTSD survivors are also prone to self-gaslighting.
It's very much like shame and guilt ("I'm a bad person" and "I did something bad").

Recognise self-gaslighting for what it is, and don't be afraid of it.
Don't let the fear of self-gaslighting keep you from thinking about your trauma.
You won't be able to process it otherwise.

Keep a journal of all the times you self-gaslight, if that helps.
Personify the self-gaslighter so you can tell it to bugger off.
I named mine Curtis.
I drew pictures of Curtis.
He was a little bug who climbed in my ear and told me horrible lies.
I learned to laugh at him after a while.

Keep a second list of self-validating thoughts even if it's the same one on repeat.


* I just googled for ex-JW groups and there seem to be lots referenced on Quora.


I struggled with Stockholm Syndrome so I can relate to the type of deprogramming you need.
Brainwashing and control really screw with our sense of self.

Trust that you will survive and you aren't alone.

I can’t really just tell it to bugger off, because it’s founded upon decades of brainwashing, indoctrination, and outer gaslighting.

I try to analyze those thoughts, but it’s not a straightforward process. It will never be something that I will laugh at because it’s too wrapped up in my specific trauma. It’s a part of my trauma.

We are all different, though.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound so simple.

This was about ten years into my healing process.

There was wayyyy more to it than drawing a cartoon.

I understand that CPTSD never ends and it won't bugger off.

I just used that as one strategy.

It's not like it's completely effective, or it stops self-gaslighting.

I'm still as messed up as anyone else.

“We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.”

I used to have an issue where if I tried to talk about it, my throat would dry up and words wouldn't come out. As if I were swimming for a moment. Frozen. Silencing myself. I almost felt...annoyed. Because I wanted to talk about it, to move forward, yet I felt stuck. As if I were an obstacle to myself. I recognised that I was being thrown into a state of panic. So I steadied my breathing. In. Brief hold. Out. In. Brief hold. Out. I held on to something in my surroundings and listed random things in the room in my head. Then I would lessen my grip.

Sometimes people tried to help, to speed things along. However, that made things worse. I realised that my trauma was largely based around a lack of control. When people tried to take over the helm, to make me face everything when I wasn't ready, it made me regress. I had to take it at my own pace and learn to tell people to back off. Writing helped. I used to write poetry since it helped me express emotions that were otherwise tricky to pinpoint. However, it was easy to feel down afterwards, which made me want to avoid the whole process. So, if I felt the urge to write such a poem, I'd factor in recovery time. I'd listen to some upbeat music afterwards, or I'd go outside and do something completely unrelated. Knowing that I could take breaks and that I didn't have to approach everything at once was quite freeing. It doesn't have to be writing. My main point here is that if you want to use an outlet, such as piano playing, give yourself some downtime as well.

When I have a friend who wants to open up about something difficult but can't find the words, I like to invite them to go do something unrelated with me such as a walk in the park or visiting somewhere. I find it helps people find a sense of ease and takes the pressure off a little. Then, if they want to bring it up they can, but even if they don't it's still nice. Hopefully such an experience would help, even if it's just a little bit. Admittedly I'm no expert.

^^
That’s an interesting take. I do
struggle when I feel like I’m not in control. I have been more aware of that lately.

I could not talk about a lot of things for many years, but writing has helped tremendously. I got a therapist who understood that the best way for me to communicate was words. If you are a reader and a writer maybe it will work for you too. I wrote letters and revised them to the people who had hurt me, or I wrote letters as if to a trusted friend about the things that happened. I have never been able to talk or write about "feelings" so "talk therapy" was a great waste, but the writing helped a lot. Sending best wishes as you work toward healing. Hoping you can find a feeling of safety and find peace with the past.

When I feel too much distress to talk I find I can still communicate in
Sign language
Writing
Music (other people's, not mine)
Drawing