Is my husband bipolar?

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I apologise in advance for length. I am terrible at self-editing.

I am very concerned about my husband. A bit of background - we have been together for about 7 years, married for 3. I am on Prozac for depression and I'm pretty sure I have Asperger's (although the last psychiatrist I saw said she thought I was 'on the spectrum' but she was reluctant to give a definite diagnosis of AS. Or something). My husband and I have mostly had a great relationship, apart from some dependency issues on my part. I moved to a different city to live with him and have had trouble making friends (possibly due to AS), so perhaps was over reliant on him. But I was aware of the problem and making progress with my own independence. We have been - mostly - very happy, especially this year. It was shaping up to be a good year for both of us.

Aaanyway - my husband. Formerly a loving, open, family-oriented, creative, empathic, troubled (but aren't we all?), funny and intelligent man. A few weeks ago he left me. It was all pretty sudden, following a really petty argument (not unusual) in which he threatened divorce (unusual). I thought it would all blow over, as these things usually do, but he kept on with it. He threw me out of the house and I had to stay with his parents. He sent me extremely hurtful text messages saying he didn't love me and was glad to be 'free'. After a couple of days he went to stay with a friend and i was 'allowed' to move back into our home.

That was three weeks ago and I have only seen him a handful of times since. Every time I've seen him his moods have been all over the place - one minute threatening suicide, the next saying he has never felt better. When I have tried to talk to him about our relationship he doesn't make much sense. He talks about wanting to be free and not be tied to anyone, how he can't be monogamous and wants to 'love everybody' and he can't fulfil his true potential while still married to me. He says we made a mistake getting married (it was his idea to get married) and our relationship has died. He's never said anything like this before. I have always been very supportive of all his endeavours and of his efforts to develop as a person (he is very interested in spiritual growth, meditation etc). He cites random examples of ways in which I have not been a good wife or 'tried hard enough' and therefore we can never be happy together. These reasons change every time, and the thinking is very black and white. When I ask him to explain he gets angry and says that obviously I wasn't listening properly. He can't be reasoned with. He interrupts, raises his voice and speaks condescendingly as if he knows better than anyone else. Formerly rational and modest, he now proclaims himself to be a genius.

It was his mother who first noted that he was displaying symptoms of bipolar disorder. She is very concerned about his seeming personality change and erratic behaviour. He has been avoiding his parents, who he previously saw on a very regular basis. He has lost weight, is apparently not eating very well and has either been sleeping all day or hardly sleeping at all. I have realised that there were some warning signs building for probably a couple of months before the actual split. He had been quite stressed with a lot of work responsibilities, kept taking more and more on and was irritable to the point of being aggressive/abusive with me and others. He also did some impulsive spending and made some other rash decisions.

Anyway I don't know if I have explained it all that well. I have probably left some stuff out. I have near enough had a breakdown myself because of all this, but i'm just about surviving, taking it one day at a time. At the moment my husband and I are not speaking - my choice, because I find it too upsetting. I desperately want to be there for him, but every time I see him he says such hurtful things that I can't be around him. Everyone who knows him well is very worried and bewildered as to what is going on. I should also note that my husband is a heavy user of marijuana, and has been for the entire time I have known him. He has occasionally quit, to very positive effect, but it never lasts long.

I guess I would just be interested to hear other people's thoughts on this situation. I really don't know what to do. My husband knows people are worried and he knows his behaviour is not entirely normal, but he doesn't really believe in 'mental illness' or anything like that. He says he is going through a spiritual awakening. Perhaps he is. I don't know, all I know is I want the man I married back and for us to still have a future together. I love him very much. Please help.

This might sound a bit blunt, but I would like to think that a real spiritual awakening would not cause you to so openly hurt the ones who love you most. Also, as someone who is obsessed with religion and spirituality (I even study it in university!) in all facets of life, it not often that people who go through some awesome spiritual experience area also simultaneously threatening suicide. Perhaps his definition of "spirituality" is not my personal definition of spirituality....but people who tend to have this beautiful awakenings become better people, even if only temporarily, not worse.

Anyway, the ups and downs do sound like the could be linked to bipolar; however, from what I am reading, it doesn't seem as though there are as many ups as there are downs. I am not sure how that works exactly for bipolar, but it seems that the ups are supposed to be quite prevelant as well, not just the crashes in moods and the negativity.

Drugs could be playing a role in it as well. Often times heavy marijuana users are also doing other drugs (before anyone pounces on me, I know this isn't always the case). My brother was also a heavy marijuana user, and he also did VERY heavy drugs as well. He would have denied it forever (just because someone you love promises they don't does not mean they are telling you the truth), but we know he did. Much of what you described is similar to my brother's behaviour as he was both going on and coming off these heavy drugs. He never did detox or anything, I mean "coming off" as, he didn't have access to any for a few days. During one such time, he literally tried to kill me (you said your husband was also becoming abusive....) My brother is not bipolar. Of course, I have nothing to base this on but my experience and your concluding statements, but that is what I am leaning toward......

Thanks for your response, littlelily. I hope your brother is doing OK now.

Yes, a few other people have asked me if my husband might be taking harder drugs. I really doubt this to be the case, although I could see why people would think that. I know he has been smoking a lot of weed and drinking quite a lot, but other than that I really don't think he would dabble in anything else. I have asked his friends who he is living with and they say the same thing - they are all looking out for him and they've assured me they would let me know if anything else was going on.

I probably should have mentioned in my original post - there have been plenty of 'ups' associated with my husband's recent behaviour, along with the 'downs'. I probably just focused on the negative behaviours because they have had the most effect on me! He has generally been acting quite manic, taking on lots of extra work responsibilities and thinking he can 'do it all'. Quite a few people who have seen him have commented to me that he looked 'wired', or seemed unusually full of beans. In fact his dad described his mood as having been 'abnormally high' when he saw him the other day.

Anyway, I don't know. Perhaps I just want him to be bipolar because it would mean there was an external reason as to why he left me. I still don't fully understand why he left me, and so i'm clutching onto anything that might explain it and allow me to move on in some way.

It would be interesting to read other people's thoughts (perhaps people with experience of bipolar) but perhaps the length of my original post has put people off!

Hi,

It sounds as though your husband could be showing signs of bipolar disorder. Or it could be another mental illness or disorder. It sounds like you've done some reading about it, and you probably know there are different types of bp. He sounds like he might be experiencing mania, or possibly a mixed state, which is a kind of agitated depression - like a mixture of mania and depression.

It really is hard to diagnose someone like this, and even a psychiatrist would have difficulty in doing this over the internet. I have had a bipolar diagnosis, but there is no way I could be sure of anyone else's diagnosis, for any disorder.

If he won't go to a GP now, then all you can do is wait. If his friends and family can keep an eye on him that might keep him safe. It is often the case that a depressive phase follows a manic phase, and he might feel more inclined to go to the GP when he is experiencing straight forward depression.

Have you found the MDF website? They have a forum there, where you can get some more experienced advice.
http://www.mdf.org.uk/?o=58415

Thanks Henbane. Yes you're right, there isn't really anything anyone can do at the moment. I've been thinking the same thing - if he goes into a depression, then he might be persuaded to get help, but until then it's a waiting game. I will check out that other forum too.