Handling a borderline person.

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I'm living with my best childhood friend who has got borderline. Which in itself is kind of the opposite to aspergers. We have always gotten along quite well and even had a sexual relationship. But lately I've got no patients for her moodswings an needs. I get pissed of just being in the same room as her and I get the same feelings when my husband just talks to her. Is there any kind of tips on how you handle a borderliner?

Very, very carefully, and best with some clear lines, rules and distance.

I don't like to tippytoe around her all the time. That's one of the reasons she makes me so pissed of. I don't wanna watch every word I say and please her every need because she might go and cut herself or worse. I'm not her slave. I want to be able to live my own life and just do simple things like eat a dinner without her whining about that she doesn't like it and wont eat for a week. She's like a 5 year old kid. The only difference is that I don't have the right to raise her. Isn't there some kind of hidden pschycology moves you can use? Because I can't talk to her about it either, tried that and it didn't end well even though I said it in the nicest way possible after studying online for hours.

If she's annoying you that much, is there any way you and your husband can NOT live with her?

I'm sorry to say but, nope. We're unemployed and broke. She's rich like a troll and paying for us as long as we pay her back later on. The time to get an appartment in sweden is also at least 3 years. So I have to find someway to cope. Suggestions like yoga or things like that might not help as well but f, maybe I need to change some too.

Okay it's five minutes later now and I realise I just totally overreacted to this post. I have deleted what I said. It triggered some bad memories of people who have used me in the past but dropped me as soon as they realised my bipolar symptoms weren't transient. And I am better off without them. But my issues have nothing to do with what is going on for the OP. Sorry I don't have any advice for borderline personality. And now I'm going to go away and cry, because of the whole accidental trigger. Sorry about that.

Yes you do have to find some way to cope because you are in her home.
Just some thoughts.

1. Get yourself out of the house more often so you are spending less time with her. Less time with her means she will annoy you less.
2. Remember she is giving you a place to live and be grateful for that - be nice to her even when you're finding her annoying ... after all she can choose to throw you out at any time.
3. Remember everyone has mood swings. Just stay out of the way when her mood is negative.
4. Remember it's not your fault if she self harms and don't take responsibility for it.
5. Is she having any treatment? If not, maybe you could support her in getting some.

Set clear boundaries and keep to them. Make sure you have time and space to yourself.

Tell yourself that her behavior is not your fault, even if you unintentionally set it off. It's because she's borderline. Anyone could set her off like that.

Try to be patient with her. She's not choosing to make your life miserable. It's a lot more unpleasant being a borderline than dealing with one.

I have BPD, and I often TELL people how to deal with me, lol. The key, for me, at least, is to NOT use "tough love". Now, when I say this, I do not mean just take everything or not be assertive. Often, people have good intentions, but they word things in a way which upsets me. The key seems to be rewording what you are saying with some sort of truth (NOT harsh truth, just say it compassionately) along with validation of feedings and sympathy. So, you may say something like:

"I can't believe you are being such an annoying little brat. Everyone can't have your attention all the time! I have things to do too, you know. And you never take in account MY feelings!"

You can change that to:

"Mary, I acknowledge you feel extremely lonely right now, and that must be painful to deal with. However, I am in the middle of something right now, but will be available shortly or at _________ time. Do you mind waiting for me, so I can dedicate that time fully to you?"

To be honest, I understand how you feel. My mom has BPD, but she is extremely abusive. The key is a compromise, and the BPD sufferer also has to take responsibility for actions no matter how painful, good intended, or confused they are. For example, my mother may be mostly responsible for causing me to have BPD, but I refuse to let people believe any verbal abuse I thrust upon them is THEIR fault, because they don't deserve that. I have found that when people reword what they say as I said, I actually realize my own feelings, and I come down from my anger and black and white thinking. The next step is to set boundaries, but explain why, and talk about them. Putting boundaries up one day can lead someone with BPD to feel imagined abandonment. The key really is communication. Encourage your friend to TELL you her emotions, so you can help them. I know it's hard, but there really is a sort of logic to why we do what we do. We tend to be sensitive, so something being perceived as too harsh sets up the wheels for abandonment issues, which causes black and white thinking, then anger, then abuse, then possibly "manipulation" to some in order to keep the person they are afraid will leave them because they are defective. Good luck!

Umm well quite frankly if you have no patience for her moodswings and needs, why did you choose to live with her? If you cannot handle her with the issues she has its probably not a good idea to live together. Obviously considering her disorder I highly doubt it's something she can just stop....letting resentment and anger grow is probably not a good idea.

If you're just currently under too much stress or whatever to deal with it could you take some time to yourself out of the house? Does she get any therapy or help for her issues?

So true.