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namaste
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07 Nov 2011, 8:53 am

I noticed that when im alone at home, not working, just staying alone the trouble starts,
i get constant stream of negative thinking, pessimistic thoughts, i feel like killing some people,
giving them bad words or harming hurting others.

but when im working or im occupied these tendencies are at bay
what is this thing?? even sitting at home idle for 2 days kills me and sends me into deep depression



Sweetleaf
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07 Nov 2011, 10:41 am

hmm that sort of thing happens to me as well, I guess when your alone there are less distractions.



lelia
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07 Nov 2011, 1:25 pm

That's distressing. Maybe you could use a cat or dog or suger glider; something to pay attention to you and pull you out of your rumination.



marshall
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07 Nov 2011, 1:45 pm

Yea. I think there is such a thing as too much free time if you're too depressed to find anything enjoyable to do. Just sitting on the internet for hours on end gets to me after a while. I just get tired of everything and nothing cures the boredom and emptiness. Or I get sucked into negativity because there's always bad s**t out there, suffering people, selfish judgemental people, obnoxious ignorance, a cruel and uncaring world, etc... and it gets to a point where it feels like the only choice is to completely despair or fill up with horrible rage. I think I do have to find a way to force structure on myself by going out and doing things even when nothing is immediately appealing in my mind.

Of course when it gets really bad it becomes hard to distract myself from my thoughts even when I am out and about and trying to function in the world. This is where I've had trouble with some jobs as I'll be unable to stop my mind while doing rather menial tasks and people will just comment that I'm lost in thought all the time and can't really engage them. The tension just follows me wherever I go and I can start to feel really ill all over my body after a while.

I guess I don't have any better advice other than to try really hard to be more active and distract yourself before you reach that point-of-no-return where nothing can distract you from the inner termoil and you're effectively shut off from the world. Forcing some structure on yourself helps even if you aren't working.

I know what the violent feelings are like too. I've broken doors off the hinges from slamming them so hard, broken mirrors, put holes in the wall, severely bruised my hand from hitting things. I always regret it after I've broken things, but if it's a choice between acting out violence on things or on other people I guess it's better that its things. I've tried really hard to make more structure in my life and I seem to do better and it least my anxiety and depression hasn't gotten to the point where I become violent in a while now.



ECJ
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07 Nov 2011, 2:55 pm

Yes, that happens to me often as well. There's so much that doesn't make sense in the world, and I feel really frustrated and angry and sad if I think about it too much. I make myself play games where I have to concentrate to stop me thinking negatively. Other times I just go to bed and cuddle my cuddly toys!