Could this be schizophrenia?

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When I was a teenager I learned a bit about schizophrenia and was immediately afraid that I had it. For as long as I can remember, possibly since I learned how to talk, I have never been alone. There is always someone with me, someone I have conversations with. Whenever there's no real people in the room, an imagined person is there to observe and talk to me, give me advice, take care of me when I need it, etc. I don't think I'm capable of truly being alone - I've tried a few times, but every time one person leaves, another enters to take their place. These are not imaginary friends or fictional characters - the person I'm talking to is always someone I know. It's like there's a whole library of people in my head, everyone I know or used to know, and I can pull someone out and talk to them when I need to. We have deep conversations and often they answer questions or offer advice that is surprising to me - but it's always something the real person would actually say. So if I have one friend who is really good at calming me down when I start to panic, I can pull him out and there he is, soothing me and making everything okay. On the other hand, sometimes someone comes that I don't want to see, and we argue or they put me in a bad mood.

There are rules to this, though. If I can't come up with a valid reason why the person should be there, they can't be there anymore and someone else comes instead, maybe someone I don't want to see. They can only speak and understand me as they would in real life - so if they don't speak English, I must speak their language or else conversation is impossible. If I ask them a question about their life or something factual that I don't personally know the answer to, the conversation comes to a bit of a halt and we have to change the subject - they don't invent answers. I don't talk to them when other people are around, though normally someone is there silently observing.

I told my therapist about this maybe ten or more years ago, and she assured me that it is not schizophrenia, simply because these are not hallucinations. I always know that they are not really there and I am really only talking to myself. She called them "imaginary friends," yet that never satisfied me. These are real people, and they never go away. I'm 26 now and I can't imagine not having someone there all the time.

I don't generally physically see them standing here in the real world or hear their voice in my ears. It's more like I can feel them there, or they're sort of seen out of the corner of my eye or in my mind's eye, and their voice insinuates itself into my mind. Unless I close my eyes, in which case I can both see and feel them if I want to. Sometimes I only say my part of the conversation, and sometimes I say both parts, their words and their voice seeming to come out of my mouth. Every night when I fall asleep, someone is there with their arms around me. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering if a conversation really took place or if I imagined it, like how sometimes it's tough to remember if you dreamed something or it really happened.

I've tried to do research on schizophrenia but the information out there seems very vague and unhelpful. However, according to one list of symptoms, I have many of them (though many can also be explained by autism or depression). This includes irritability, difficulty sleeping, difficulty concentrating, loose associations (thoughts jumping around uncontrollably), problems thinking/expressing ideas clearly, occasional difficulty telling whether things are real or not (or ability to physically feel things I only imagine), childlike behavior, lack of activity, occasional twitches or muscle spasms, occasional thoughts of self-harm (though I haven't acted on these since I was a teenager).

As far as I know, there is no schizophrenia in my family. I am also the first with autism. However, there are a lot of other problems like reading/learning disabilities, hypersensitivity issues, severe depression and general mental/emotional instability.

When I was 23 I learned about asperger syndrome and was immediately convinced that this is my problem. Since then I have worked on my social skills and explored myself more completely, and I'm quite sure that autism is the primary explanation for my differences. I've learned to adapt to the world better and most people now have no idea there's something wrong with me - they just think I'm a bit odd.

Lately I've made friends with a schizophrenic man and his descriptions of his experiences are making me wonder again. I'm sure I have aspergers, which explains most things, but after spending some time talking to other aspies there seems to be more than just that going on. I suppose it's possible that these people always with me are just some sort of coping mechanism - I had a rough childhood emotionally, never had any friends until recently, and am generally an incredibly lonely person. I keep feeling like I'm coming close to starting a real successful relationship, then the other person tells me they've met someone else and we can only be friends, or even that our friendship has to end. I've been single for 6 years and my few relationships before that were emotionally abusive and unhealthy.

Is it possible that I have some sort of schizophrenia? I know that there are many different forms. Or is this something else? I've been really trying to explore my own mind more completely lately and understand what is going on, because I'm starting to fall apart a bit from broken relationships, depression, and loneliness. I want to get control back, but first I need to understand the nature of what has taken over me.

Thanks so much to anyone who reads all this and has any advice to offer.

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When I was in university I was misdiagnosed with depersonalization disorder, a related dissociative disorder. I have since determined that the "dissociative" episodes were actually just autistic overstimulation. I never told the psychiatrist who diagnosed me about the people I'm always talking to; I only went because I was starting to panic about these episodes where I was so distant from reality and couldn't focus on anything in the real world, which was making functioning in my classes nearly impossible.

I also knew a girl in university who had quite severe DID. She was barely functional. She would suddenly just become one of 5 people, one of whom was 5 years old and only spoke Italian. All of them were inventions, however. I've never heard of DID involving people who actually exist. I'm not inventing any of these people, they're all people I know from real life, and their behavior is always true to reality. And anytime I get to know a new person, they are added to this "library" of people. Lately I've been spending a lot of time talking to the 3-year-old aspie boy from my preschool. He only speaks Czech, which is good practice for me, but we have great conversations. It's just as good as when I see him at work (nearly every day).

I guess I should look into this possibility a bit more. I've never heard of DID manifesting without the personalities taking over the person completely. I've never been "possessed" in this way by another personality.

Your post is extremely coherent and articulate which leads me to the unprofessional conclusion that you are most likely not schizophrenic.

Yes, this is a biased layman's opinion, but I have done large amounts of research on schizophrenia and other mental illnesses, and the underlying theme of schizophrenia seems to be thought disorder. I'm sorry if I sound judgmental, but people with undiagnosed and untreated schizophrenia usually reveal themselves very quickly from my experience If you have seen a homeless schizophrenic for example, you know what I am talking about. To give a real life example from a book I have read, a person with schizophrenia was asked "What does the phrase, 'don't throw stones in glass houses mean'" and the response was one word.... "Caution" Very profound and yet very abnormal all at once. Another example that I have read is a dishwasher being called a "gershinker" (ie nonsense words made up when the person cannot find the real word)


Look up thought disorder to see if any of that applies to you. If not, you still could have schizophrenia - people with paranoid schizophrenia from the research I have read are usually average or above intelligence, and display few signs of cognitive impairment, loose associations, clanging, or any other thought disorder.

As far as this paranoid schizophrenia goes, I am not sure. I have experienced paranoia and hearing voices in the past, but no psychiatrist has ever ever diagnosed me with schizophrenia (only psychotic depression). Look into schizophrenia, psychotic depression, bipolar, and PTSD. Also look into alternative arguments for voice hearing and imaginary friends. Not all that goes against mainstream is harmful. It could just be a coping mechanism that you have developed.

What truly matters is whether the voices are harmful in your life or helpful. That is what it all comes down to in the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iR9WVhiaIeY

How do you do on this test? Do you fall for the illusion or not? Personally, I do fall for the illusion, but many people with schizophrenia apparently do not. This has to do with top-down processing versus bottom-up processing. People with schizophrenia see fragments of the whole but do not put the whole together.

I didn't read the whole thing, but you know they aren't really there so I don't see a problem... You are just using your imagination to create a reference point for the ideas of others and wondering what they might think. As an aspie? you would probably find it annoying and draining if you had to have your friends/relatives around all the time to converse about things but just can't help but thinking about things and want their input without the rest of their conversation. So you use your imagination. I'm not qualified to make any kind of diagnosis, but I'd say your just intellectually obsessive about things. Think about Plato referencing Socrates, it's really very similar.

The illusion in the video goes back and forth. I see it one way, then the other, flipping really quickly.

I talked to my schizophrenic friend today (who, by the way, is not paranoid, and is also extremely coherent, deliberate and organized in his communication, so that doesn't disqualify someone - schizophrenia manifests in many different ways). He has gotten to know me fairly well lately and he told me he doesn't think I have any psychosis, but I probably do have some kind of neurosis. I don't have delusions or hallucinations. I do have trouble sometimes distinguishing actual memories from those I have imagined or dreamed, but that seems to be something other than psychosis. In fact, if anything, it seems that I really want to lose the distinction between reality and imagination, but I'm not actually able to really lose it in any significant way.

In any case, his general analysis of me (he went to school for this type of medicine so I really trust his opinion) is that my neurological system seems to function differently than normal. This conclusion is based on many factors, including the ones I've described here. He doesn't see any need to classify that in terms of a disorder, since generally speaking it doesn't do me or anyone else any harm. Wherever this talking to people who aren't there thing comes from, it seems to be a deeply ingrained part of me, and since it mostly only helps me and only rarely does any harm, there's no need to worry about it.

Actually, I never used to worry about it. In fact, it was so completely integrated into my life I tended to forget that it was even unusual. I only started thinking more about it recently as a result of getting to know this guy and also experimenting with some psychedelics which have altered my experiences a little bit and made me see things in a different way. Suddenly the people I'm talking to are starting to point out that they are not really there, breaking the illusion and causing me panic, confusion, and distress. Part of me wonders if I would be better off trying to stop this habit, but on the other hand, I can't imagine life without them there.

Sorry if I offended you. Just further evidence that you should speak to someone qualified.

On the other hand, I don't always trust professionals. One guy I knew was diagnosed with psychosis but he was one of the most insightful, profound people I have ever met. Another guy I met was diagnosed with schizophrenia and most likely had did have it, but since he was medicated, his symptoms were not very noticeable. And yes, people with schizophrenia do go into periods of remission, so you are right about what you said.

But Sometimes professionals get it wrong.

Yes, I am going in a circle which is further evidence not to listen to me.

The truth is I don't trust anyone. I have trust issues, so when I see people being heavily medicated, I sometimes wonder if they are being taken advantage of by narcissistic psychiatrists.

Whatever, don't listen to me. I just hope I didn't offend you.

I'm not offended, I just have personal experiences which conflict with what you said so I'm adding that information to what's already here. My schizophrenic friend is not and never has been medicated, and according to what he's described, I'd say he's in a sort of period of remission - "the demon is sleeping now," etc. He has described to me a very sort of violent period in his life when this demon controlled him and he was a dangerous person. But he knows that it is still "sleeping" inside of him and there are certain things which could wake it up. He does still perceive things that others don't, but he is remarkably insightful so I'm not entirely convinced that this is a sign of an illness so much as evidence that his "psychosis" is at least partially not delusion after all. Who's to say that he doesn't really see the things he claims to? Just because we can't see them?

He is still considered psychotic according to the definition that he perceives things which are not there (including the demon, though it is asleep) and believes them to be real, but he suffers from no disorganization of thought or communication (most of the time). He has me at least partly convinced that the things he sees are, in fact, real, but on the other hand he sometimes insists very seriously that he is "crazy," though I suspect this may be one of his private jokes. He does sometimes contradict himself and it's hard to tell if he means what he says seriously, is just messing with me, or is actually delusional - like sometimes insisting that he is rich, and other times telling me he's broke and can't pay the rent.

In any case, though his speech is unusual, it is also very ordered and coherent. So while I think this disorganization of thought and communication is a common symptom of schizophrenia, it's not necessarily present in 100% of cases. However, like you, I'm not an expert, just someone with an experience.

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Hmm, if schizophrenics see through the hollow mask illusion, wouldn't that make them more preceptive?

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sorry i dont know whether you believe in metaphysics or not but i do and i felt that this is a spirit guide talking with you
my guides have helped me several times and i realised that they are here to comfort and help us
http://www.tarotbyjeanne.com/spiritguides.html