Venting.
I awake to the funny little quote that always gets me out of bed; "Man, sleeping is really tiring".
I'm depressed upon waking, I listen to music, then shower, it's agony to shower or clean my skin of it's copious amounts of dead skin and flakes, brought about by chronic atopic eczema, an agony I bitterly face everytime I shower myself, it will take hours to recover, s**t!
I go through the routine: the waiting I face before my "fix", I stand around, pace endlessly, browse the internet, feeling bitter for no apparent reason, still depressed, just waiting for a brief bout of hypomania to come about, just staying awake as long as it takes to trigger, 6 hours, 12 hours, 18, continue listening to The Cure for the cliche effects.
Then it comes, my brief fix of hypomania, like an addict I take what I can get since it's the only time I feel good, and right now I'm at hour 19, still waiting, and I'm thinking: this is the best most healthy mental state I've been in for the past 12 months, this is practically fully functioning, I'm on peak performance compared to December or Febuary last year, do I have a right to feel this self pitying? Do I get to feel this bitter about this crap?
It's very hollow and unfulfilling, there is an end in site but I feel I'm going to be trading one form of sufferings for another, as I have done several times over the past two years, first it was 16 years of severly crippling eczema, then it was a lifetime of insomnia reaching it's peak, then it was crippling anxiety (ongoing), then PTSD (ongoing), then BDD, OCD, whatever, then I got sent to a mental hospital because I'm bipolar, then I'm psychotic - quite literally insane, then...well here I am, recovering, and all I can say is.."What the hell universe?!"
this is what recovery is to me, because it's that much better
Am I totally nuts for being so bitter? Am I justified?
Ok, that's it, end of line.
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'not only has he hacked his intellect away from his feelings, but he has smashed his feelings and his capacity for judgment into smithereens'.
18 Mar 2012, 2:00 am
