Suicide Ideas

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I find myself in a situation where I am not much good to anybody. I have been diagnosed with schizophrenia or Schizoaffective disorder, I no longer have friends, I'm 24 and living with my parents. I work at Walmart as a cart pusher. I have never had a girlfriend and have no desire to get one. My life consists of pushing carts, working at a cash register, watching youtube videos, and eating footlong tuna Subway sandwiches. It has occurred to me more than a few times to kill myself, and I have tried hanging myself, and twice stuffing up my car with exhaust fumes. Though now that I think about it that kind of suicide is really selfish, there are hundreds of thousands of people on the organ transplant list.

Instead of just hanging yourself or jumping off a bridge, or blowing your brains out in the privacy of your home, think about the lives you could be saving with organ donation. If you have a gun blow your brains out at a transplant center where doctors can be ready to extract and preserve your organs for transplantation, you can save up to eight lives that way. If you have family the suicide will take new meaning, instead of dying out of misery, you didn't value your life as much as the eight people dying needing an organ transplant. There isn't the same guilt and bitterness.

If you have schizophrenia like I do, your life doesn't have meaning, there's not a whole lot of good you can do while living. I know what its like a purposeless existence, where the only meaning you get out of life is through fantasy, you're never present, you forget all the time, you miss things, you're slow, you don't seem to stick with any one thing. This kind of existence, no one can help you, you feel like you should be capable of more, but on reflection you see how hopeless you've been, Moving from one thing to the next. I am not sure I will even kill myself before I am consumed by some other interest. Maybe I'm at the point where I am unable to kill myself, I'm so dysfunctional. I want to kill myself because I'm a burden to everyone around me.

Hi. I remember you posted some very good stories. That is a lot of good to everybody who reads them.

I've spent a lot of time considering the same thing. I don't know where I fall on it currently to be honest but it makes me sad to see you write about killing yourself because your life doesn't have meaning. Your life has meaning. I understand that you don't feel that way but the life of every single person you've crossed paths with in any way would be different if you hadn't been there. Some things are small but have big effects. Just for example: what would I have been doing instead of reading a story you posted on here at one point, if I hadn't read the story? It's impossible to say. There would be a hole in space-time. Everything that happened after would take a different course.

I've been diagnosed as schizoaffective also. All I have to say on that point, is that the people doing the diagnosing are probably doing it based on some inaccuracies or lack of understanding of one kind or another.

One thing that makes me wonder is that you bring up that you've never had a girlfriend but then say you have no desire to have one. It sounds like you are listing both as reasons not to live. But they're opposites. If you have no desire to have one, then why does it upset you that you haven't? It seems like maybe there are things that you want, or want to want, and that is a purpose. That's a goal that you can accomplish here on this earthly plane, achieving whatever it is that you want to achieve.

Like I said I've had these same thoughts that you're posting and I am not trying to get you to stick around for the sake of sticking around. I understand that without a purpose life seems not worth living. I am just wondering if maybe you have a purpose but are not able to see it at this point.

The way I see it, is you're letting society's definition of "having a life" guilt you into thinking yours doesn't matter. You're basically living the same lifestyle as I am, yet I don't want to kill myself. This is because I realized that living comfortably and doing what I know is best for me and what makes me happy is all that matters. In the long run, people don't care what you do with your life because they are too busy living their own, and if anyone tries to make you feel bad about the way that you live your life, well, then they're nosy busybodies who just want to start drama.

Don't give in to what society says and don't give up hope. Live your life for you.

I haven't thought much about suicide these days because I started writing a novel and I promise myself to finish it. I should be done around April next year. Yeah, I've attempted suicide before. Landed me in the psych hospital for two months. Very bad experience. Life is worth living. You will have good days and bad days. Life is a gift, though. Enjoy it while it lasts.

I can relate a lot to what you've written as I'm similar except you have more going for you then I do. I won't list why because this post isn't about me but I'll tell you something that I came to realize when I thought about suicide.

You're someone's child. Your mother gave birth to you and gave you a name. When you received your name you got all your important documentation that your mother saved in a safe place for you and you became part of a huge world. You are a piece of this world and no one can take your place. You mean a lot more to the people in your life then you think. Everything we do in life causes ripples around us no matter how small. When you commit suicide you might not realize it but you create one big horrible splash that interrupts every ripple big or small that you've ever made. You would have successfully erased your potential from this world. Not to mention you could possibly drive the people close to you into a depression that could lead to their deaths as well or possibly severe mental illness. Would you really want that? You think you're misrable so you want to spread that misery to the people who know/love you? If you spend your life thinking about all your shortcomings you won't be able to appreciate the little things that are good.

That sounds awful. But I have to give you mad props for putting others into consideration for there own benefit, instead of going off on how your the only one left on earth. I mean you talked about yourself, but you know it's not just about you, which I respect.

Well dude, I definitely would not suggest killing yourself, but you know that.
If you say you don't have much to live for, or anything that could make you happy in life (Which I disagree with, there's always something.) then maybe you should just spend the rest of your life helping people. I'm sure you could do a ton more good that way than if you were to execute yourself. If there's any purpose left in you, you still have the potential to do good. I mean you don't really care if your sad or happy at this point right? Then either way you should just help others. Cause if it wouldn't matter if you died now or later, then just let it come and help anyone else who needs it. Course people will take occasionally advantage of that, but you won't care, you'll just be tryin your best whether it helps or not! And doin stuff like that will help! Like you said, despite your own value of your life, other people value their lives verry veryyyy much.

Instead of physical suicide, it's just suicide of the ego. Simple.

I've felt what it's like with a purposeless existence too. It's like watching a really boring movie, that you think you know won't get any better, you lose all emotion, and at the end there's nothing. That all added up makes it hard to have a reason to do anything, it felt like an out-of-body experience for me.

Well there's my first suggestion, but I have another, which you might find interesting. You may not, but it's worth a shot.

I have a friend who had a lot of suicide issues. He lost his older brother/childhood hero (He was a professional athlete.) and didn't think he had a reason to live anymore. He got put in a psych ward because of various suicide attempts and eventually to the point where he was trapped. He couldn't get out of the ward to try to live a happy life, and he couldn't end his life of misery there. There was but one thing he still knew; his childhood hobbies and talents. (In this case it's martial arts.)
Right then and there he decided, he could live his miserable life in that ward until he successfully ended his life, or he could take that one thing he still remembered, commit to it, and make his life nothing but that one thing. With that in mind, he chose that which made him happy. It was just martial arts though. Most people would say you couldn't even make a living doing that, but he still chose it, because it made him happy. From there, he gradually worked his way out of the ward, and did absolutely nothing but martial arts for years. Got a job for martial arts, didn't go to college, only did what would make him better at martial arts, and worked tirelessly at it. Seeing him at the gym now... he is single handedly the fastest learner and one of the best trickers in the whole gym, he auditioned 4 times for a nationally popular martial art/acrobatics performance group and finally made it in, and now knows he has the potential to be wherever he wants, be as fulfilled as he wants, and to accomplish anything he wants.

I think I have permission to tell this story just cause he gave a public speech about it during one of our local competitions... I'm pretty sure he wouldn't mind.

But yeah. You can probably guess my suggestion at this point. We all have hobbies/talents/abilities, or had them. Take and hold on to something, that could be the last thing you know, however sloppy or bad at it you think you are, make it your life, and you can accomplish or do anything.

Right now I understand you may not think anything could make you happy, but that's just the feeling you have now covering it up. Once you step out, I think you'll know what I mean.
Take my word for it, I've been through the whole gyst. Not as dramatic as my friends I described, but that's because I committed myself to 5 or 6 different things at once, so I have a lot to work on, which slows things down a bit, but there's nothing I would do without them. I don't think about happy or sad, I think about accomplishing my goals. I find a lot of fulfillment in that, and in that fulfillment I feel happy. I think you could to.

I don't mean to sound like the guy who talks about the end of the road always being happy, wonderful, and accomplished, because we all know life isn't a handout, we just gotta do what we can with what we have to get what we all want.


PS. I accidentally posted this twice and had to update to the latest one I posted.

I read a thing once, it said...murder was misdirected suicide and then it said, the opposite was true too.

I have often thought of that.

I tend to have suicidal thoughts from time to time they creep up on me when my meltdowns get really bad!

The thought that after our heart stops isn't really the end, really creeps me out. I'm afraid that after death we can still feel something.
I was thinking that I should wait another 20 years until science - maybe - will discover a cure for 'life' and people would be able to die peacefully.
And also I hope that people to become more open minded about suicide. I think it should be everybody's right to decide when to die.

And it is not so selfish as people believe it is. I think that people who want to keep someone - who obviously suffers - alive, are the truly selfish ones.

When people ask why do people talk about killing themselves. Its for attention or to live on in some form of memory. Its kind of like your building a shrine to your misery. That's what I'm doing.

When I think about killing myself, I almost always think about how I will be remembered, a poor victim to mental illness. I think about the stir it will cause. It's just drama nonsense.

I can think of a million reasons to kill myself but there must be some compelling reason to live because I haven't done it. Maybe I enjoy listing all the reasons to kill myself, maybe that's my reason to live. Some tragic existence like that.

I am tired and I can't read everything on this thread right now.

All I wanted to say is that suicide is something that has been on my mind intensely for the last five years, and I've had many severe depressive breakdowns as well as serious addiction problems that all meant I wasn't really living, wasn't really dying.

The closest I have come to a planned attempt, rather than just desperation and ideations and vague ideas, has probably been the last few months when I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a couple of weeks. That was because of the strength of my ideations, but the only thing I guess I've ever done towards a real attempt is place a plastic bag over my head and buy lots of paracetamol and blades.

But, well, what you realise, is suicide is not an easy business!! The planning required to do it properly is exhausting. In the psych hospital I met a woman who had attempted six times and didn't die after any of them. She didn't have any serious side effects from those attempts, but imagine living and having damaged tendons, or damaged liver, or anything else.

I know someone who succeeded, because he jumped in front of a train. That's a horrible way to die, and whilst I have considered it myself before, in truth that's a truly gruesomely horrible way to leave this world.

I don't like myself much, I hate my body. My life is still very compromised. Suicide is never far from my mind; it's part of me now. My advice to you would be don't try to eliminate all thoughts from your mind about it. You probably can't
Like me, I'm sure your ideas may have some logic if your problems feel insurmountable and your life relentless in many ways.

But if you are alive anyway, all I know is it takes less effort to stay alive in some ways, and if life is all you have, it might even be better than nothing.

And you can always do it, the decision doesn't have to be taken right now or never, kind of thing. I am well aware I may still kill myself, even in several years time. Who knows. But whilst you are alive, keep fighting to make it better for yourself. You don't have to have eighty wonderful, functional years; but can you enjoy some of what the world has to offer before you leave it??

And if you're about to lose your whole life, is there anything else you can do first? Something you've always wanted to try but never dared?

I hope things ease up for you and you find a way to tolerate living, because life is precious and singular, whether you want it or not

And regards your schizophrenia. I am sorry. Facing a life with severe mental illness is daunting to say the least.

But don't give in to stereotypes of outcomes or futility. There are ways through, things you can do, people you can reach out to and ways you can enjoy life in spite of your mental illness. Fight!

I have debilitating OCD, I've had it all my life and it won't ever completely go away (just as the autism won't), so I do have an understanding of what you face with that. Many of us on this board do in fact.

Keep posting