Don't Quite Know What's Wrong With Me

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Okay, I have to write this fast, because Alex is staring at me from both the top and the bottom of the page and it makes me nervous.

I'm having a bit of a childhood crisis here, all because my autism got me into it.

My special interest at the moment is mermaids. It's recurring. I first got hooked in 2006, when h20 just add water (I didn't capitalize it for a reason) came out. We watched (my sisters and I) all three seasons, and I am SO devastated that it is over (and it has been--for a few years now). I'm going to pull something from another post real quick.
smiles sheepishly*

"Is it such a crime to not like the real world? Especially for us autistics, the world is Heck with a false "Heaven" label plastered all over it. But the thing is, we can sense they're lying to us. We know that this world isn't all it's cracked up to be, so we create our own. And I must say, living a fantasy life is like having a massive boulder taken off your back!

As some of you may have read in the "special interests" thread, I was, at one point, mystified by mermaids. I'm getting back into it, actually. It eats me alive. It started with h2o in 2006, and I can't get over it. It's like a personal autistic fandom gone wrong. I can't get rid of the desire, the hopes, and the dreams it filled me with. I'm asking my mother to get me this replica locket (the exact same one!) from here: http://www.sterlingsilverart.com/exact- ... rmaid.html
For my birthday this year. And she said I might just get it! It fills me with happiness and hope, but there's something dark underneath it. It doesn't go away. EVERY time I hear the word "mermaid" or "hydrokinesis" or even see the cast members, I get sucked right back in. I bought the theme song, AND the more expensive karaoke version, and listen to it on repeat for hours.

I created my own little world, one where I'm a mermaid and I can actually fight back because I have this power over water. And I can sing. Like a siren. Oh, how I love that ability! But it kills me a little bit inside every time I get back into the whole mermaid business. I'm looking to buy or make my own tail this summer, when I get some money for my birthday (not saying that to be snotty, everyone besides my immediate family usually gets me money). But here's the one problem with that: I can't swim. And I want to bind my legs together and put them in a MonoFin. Smart idea? NO.

My world gives me heck every time I go back to it. It follows me. It fills me with dread because I know some day I'll have to withdraw from it, because most people (aside from my friends on www.mernetwork.com) don't want to be around this woman that can't get over her childhood dream. I'll probably be looked at like everyone's always looked at me--the crazy chick that's gotta go back to the hospital.

My autistic world has ruined my life. My sisters make fun of me for it. I have maybe ten drawings in my sketchbook dealing with it. I've tested spells, read books, cried listening to the theme song. It won't leave me alone. But I love it too much to let it go. My dolls have fabric mermaid outfits I've made for them. It...hurts me so much. I can't get rid of it. But it is a beautiful, magical place, and I will never leave."

I wrote that, just today. Does anyone experience this kind of...well, I don't know what it is! I made my own little world to live in, my own little magic and fun, and it kills me to leave and come back to the real world. Do I have something other than just regular AS/PDD-NOS?

This is a severe issue for me. I have spent ALL DAY today doing something related to mermaids. I have created drawings, made a reserved wishlist on Amazon ONLY for that mermaid locket, I've drawn out the lockets, I've watched the show...I can't get rid of this. But at the same time, I don't want to. I have never felt more happy. But there's...well, it's like a clear blue pool (like the Moon Pool) and it looks all beautiful and such and you reach down to touch it and the water just feels like velvet on your skin...it's cool to the touch and smoother than anything. But once you look at your hand for the first time, there's something spreading beneath the surface...is that...ink? Yes, something deep-colored and spreading quickly, enveloping your hand in its black claws. But the water feels so nice...you know the ink will stain you, but you can't leave this luscious pool behind...

Yeah, I just used an h2o metaphor. That's how bad this is.
Sorry for the long post everyone! Hope someone can help me, or at least give me a merfolk friend to talk to!

It sounds like AS with perhaps an extra helping of obsessiveness, but I don’t know! I’ve been there. I used to have an obsessive interest in the Harry Potter series when I was a teenager and neglected my schoolwork because of it, which I now seriously regret. These days my obsessive interests are all unhealthy things related to a trauma I experienced years ago. These “interests” really mess up my mind and I’d do anything to go back to the innocence of a Harry Potter obsession. In that respect I think you are lucky that your subject is a harmless one, though obviously you are not so lucky in that you feel it’s consuming you. I wish I knew of something that could help, but I don’t. Perhaps you could try introducing other things into your life? Take up a new hobby and make a deal with yourself that you’ll spend a couple of hours on the new hobby and then an hour of special interest related stuff? I don’t know! If there was a cure for obsessive thinking, I’d be first in line to try it out!

Oh my goodness...

I just got back into the swing of things with my Harry Potter obsession. I have collected all of the books, including two of the first one (one paperback, one hardcover), I have a hat and cloak from when I was a witch several times, and from that I carved two wooden wands, one meticulously sanded and touched-up until it looked pretty enough--no paints or stains, just bark/absence of bark. I've decided, since coming across the fact that I probably have hyperlexia, that this summer I'm going to do a 7 Day Book Challenge, something I made up. I'm going to read the seven Harry Potter books in seven days, then take a breather with The Tales of BtB.

But I don't think I'd cure my obsessiveness...my world is too nice a place. If I killed off my mermaid dream it'd be like killing...my dreams. My childhood. My early teenage years.

I have several hobbies, however, nothing is as thrilling as this. Sewing is fun (and I just got my machine back from the shop) but I find myself frustrated rather than satisfied. And I like to sew mermaid tails for dolls.
I like to color and draw, but I find that when I do, I'm drawing anime mermaids or coloring in a picture of Ariel (and cursing Prince Eric for taking her away from us).
Learning Spanish is fun too...but I feel like I'll never be as good as the natives, so why try?
Illusionary magic is also pretty cool, and I have two books on that, but it'll never work because the No. 1 quality of a magician is their skills with people and lying, which I lack.

So many things I COULD do, but none that I CHOOSE to do. Nothing will ever fill my heart the way mermaids have. They're out there...just waiting for us to find them again! They want us to become one with them...

I have problems, don't I?

It does just sound like Aspergers to me. It can be hard when a special interest sort of disappears (like in the case of a show or book series or something that you don't have control over whether it keeps going or not). You'll likely pick up a new interest though. Think back to before you liked mermaids, you probably were into something else a lot instead. You don't have to kill your mermaid interest in order to focus on a new one instead for a while. Somewhere down the line there might be a new mermaid-themed show, book, or whatever that could get you back into it. But or right now it just sounds like you've kind of exhausted the mermaid stuff that you liked, and even an obsessive Aspergers mind won't linger on a topic forever if its not getting new stimulus from it.

@Bitoku

I cannot tell you that I understand what you are saying. I was into Egypt, Ancient Egypt...but that was several years ago (7 years ago), and Egypt is a recurring one of mine.

The part I really don't quite grasp is the portion about "exhausting the mermaid stuff". What do you mean? There's a whole world of knowledge out there I've yet to get my hands on about them.

I find it interesting that you say I won't linger on it forever. I've been on this for seven years. There's always something new to learn. I've watched each episode of the show several times. A few years back I made mermaid tails for all of my dolls, three Barbie ones and two American Girl ones. That's the issue. This will never cease. My interest in Egypt has been around since about second grade, maybe two years sooner, and I'm going into junior year this year.

I get TOO obsessive, though. I create entire WORLDS around my obsessions. I used to pretend I was an archaeologist looking for treasures around my house. That was only about four years ago, maybe only three. I got so obsessed with my favorite book series that I wrote a play about it and made my sister perform it with me. And with the mermaids...

It's like some jumpstart in my brain when I see the word. Doesn't matter what the context is, I just get right back into the swing of things and fall back into it. It's nearly impossible to fall out of unless something more thrilling takes its place, which nothing has. I've been stuck on this for seven years.I don't think I'm getting out for a long time.

Thank you for your help, in any sense.

~SDR

Sorry, I'm ot quite sure I understand the problem then... this all sounds relatively normal for Aspergers.