My life is an existential nightmare

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There are two types of people: the leaders, who are few, and the followers, who are many. Living in America, one would think that being a follower is a negative, bad thing to be avoided at all costs. This is not the case, and if it were, humanity would not have made it this far. Leaders and followers both have jobs (roles to play, a purpose) within their tribe (family, nation, etc.). I am a follower. I need to be told what my purpose is. My Grandfather used to somewhat provide this, but he's dead. I now have no one to tell me what my purpose is. My Grandfather fulfilled the role of Authority for me, and now I have no Authority to follow. When left to my own devices, I get drunk or high. That's what I do when I'm left to make up my own mind. I do not belong in 2013 America, I belong a long, long time ago, in a tribe, with a purpose.

I've found the best way for me to abstain from drug use is to simply not be around it. I do have a car but I just don't have the strength to go out on these long drug runs anymore. And I'm glad, too.

You need to define your own purpose now. Your basic purpose is to take care of yourself on a day to day basis. Beyond that you need to find healthy ways to occupy your mind and body.

- Exercise. It will improve your health, and generate mood boosting endorphins.
- Read and watch funny stories. Humor also generates endorphins.
- Eat healthier.
- Get enough rest.
- Take courses, either in person or online.
- Take up a hobby.
- Get involved in community events, like local politics, helping with community events, etc.
- Do charity work.
- If you aren't working, either get a job, or work for yourself. There are plenty of self employment opportunities out there.

Hope this helps.

I can really relate to what you are talking about. I have had and still have those exact same feelings many times. The older I get, the fewer things that I believe in and the more agitated I get that society is so messed up and confusing. Do you have things that you do that can give meaning to your life (like purposeful action, goals, or routines)?

For me, checking the posts on the website twice a day helps give my life meaning. At least I know I am not alone. I find people who think like me and have the same struggles. I was going crazy a few weeks ago because I literally had nothing to do (no job, no one to talk to, no where to go, nothing on TV, and I couldn't sleep! I drove myself crazy obsessing about one negative thing after another. I was seriously planning a way to commit suicide). Now I live for the routines I have established and some short term goals (going on some dates, volunteering at the adult education center, getting my first tattoo, writing, making songs, getting a part-time job, anything to take up free-time and give me something to look forward to).

I just had to click on this post after 1) noticing some synchronous event was happening to me; it had to do with my sudden interest in philosophy and 2) a deep emotion around something I started to associate with 'music related existentialism.'

Of course I could just be manic but I'm not really sure.

Unlike you though I'm a leader and hate to be given orders. There's even a mental illness named after this and I do have the symptoms quite severe.

I also see two types of people in this world: the creator/entertainer/ entrepreneur and the audience/consumers. I'm certain I am of the former, because even when being the consumer I just think I could this this too but better (er, different) and I think it's a reason why I have such an aversion to everything I see on social networking sites. I won't allow myself to be sold to, particularly if it's my own self being sold back to me. I take great notice of modern marketing and I just think oh yes, you might be able to reach the masses but not me. Of course, why would they care if they don't reach a small percentage of people like me?

As for music related existentialism I have a longing for an old 'scene' of music that to me seems to be vanishing, yet because I don't like things all too common if it was back especially with the way society is going (hipster) I would want it less or just take it for granted, or the style of music would be changed so much to fit in with what every damn indie band is playing these days. There wouldn't be this deep melancholic pain to have things the way they used to be. It's like when I want to really get to know somebody that I romanticize our friendship then when that friendship becomes a reality those feelings leave me.
So, I can only either keep these feelings of longing and nostalgia, or seek out this goal, as it were and then be overcome with banality.

I did say it was 'related' to existentialism not the actual thing. Or is it more cognitive dissonance?