fanfare for the schizophrenic friend

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I'm an aspie with ADD. Most of my life I have had either no friends or just one close friend. Looking back every single one of my genuine friends were NA. They had one disorder or the other and that is why we seemed to get along or at least "tolerate" each-other. In high school my best friend was Ethan. A guy in my class that had some sort of mental quirk that would make his mind wonder off every now and then and he would miss a lot of social cues and have occasional (non-violent) anger outbursts. altho he had a much better ability to socialize with others than I did, we got along very well and gave each other a real "high school life experience". My time in high school would have been very miserable if I did not have him as a friend. He died a year later, at the tender age of 19 from a brain aneurysm in his sleep. Nobody knew he had it and nobody knew why, but that was the end of one of my realest friendships ever.

I spent a year in college not making a single friendship or acquaintance. I got fed up and dropped out.

Years later I met Larry. This was the most interesting friend I ever had. He was a full blown schizophrenic with a big BIG heart. He had gone through a great deal of tragedy in his life (lost his father when he was 5) and went through the mental healthcare system once or twice.. which for a schizophrenic is an absolute nightmare. We were still able to be friends and talk, and go places, and do things. He was very much obsessed about the people he loved; his mother and his girlfriend. He spent most of his time thinking and planning ways to give them a better life... some money.. work.. he really wanted to do everything he could to make their lives better, understanding very well that there was no way he could improve his.

The last I heard from him he was imprisoned in a psych ward in NY. It makes me mad to see such a smart well-educated man being locked up... it's a real tragedy. It gave me a very disappointing view of this world... it taught me that it's not the smartest, or most genuine people who succeed in life... it's those who are the best mentally adapted for it. I miss talking to him. I feel tortured over the fact that he's got nothing to look forward to except for more drama and tragedy. What kind of world is this?

The way to describe it to non-schizophrenic people is to tell them to imagine you are having a dream.. in that dream things that are unreal and impossible can seem very possible and very real in your dreams... because your mind wants them to be. Now imagine if the actions you took in your dreams (killing bad people, running away screaming) were actually real? That you woke up with all the liabilities of what you did when you were in that seemingly real dream. This, to me, is the ultimate schizophrenic state of being. It is depressing and shocking and it is a very real illness.

Looking back i'm glad I knew these people. I'm glad I wasn't one of those happy-go-lucky NT's who go about living life telling themselves that everyone has an equal chance in life. As us aspies know, that's a crock of sh-t.

You're right. Everyone doesn't have an equal chance in life. Some of us will get married, have kids, get a house, go on vacations and develop a retirement plan. Some of us will fall so far short of that we may as well be living in a box beneath a bridge.

I know what it's like to be a denizen of a psych lockdown, too. I've been there. I also know what it's like to be abnormal, be a misfit, and not fit it. That's where I'm doomed to be forever.

I don't hope for much, but I hope that I can at least get a body I'm comfortable with, for this gender dysphoria regarding my body to end.