Pretty sure I'm bipolar but -- is diagnosis worth it?

Post Reply New Topic

First off, I have high-functioning autism for sure, many symptoms are quite severe, particularly hypersensitivity, although I have a gift for mimicry and am lucky enough to be able to "blend in" most of the time.

I've suspected I have bipolar disorder for years. I've struggled with severe depression since I was very young. I don't remember how long ago I started having occasional (maybe a few times per year) periods of intense anxiety and high energy - but low ability to focus. It doesn't happen often, and occasionally I get euphoric, but for the most part it is just frustrating. I can't sit still, can't focus, can't relax, can't sleep, have almost no appetite, make stupid impulsive decisions, just can't stop. The anxiety can border on paranoia and things as simple as the trip to work can be nightmarish. I talk constantly and rapidly and my thoughts won't slow down. Even when I get euphoric, the feeling is very artificial. Anyone who has ever taken MDMA/ecstasy will know what I'm talking about - that sort of plastic feeling where it feels good and you can't stop moving (like rocking back and forth and grinding your teeth), but deep down you can feel it's not "real" and know you're making bad decisions.

Each time this happens it seems to get worse. Right now I'm in the middle of an episode. For two days before it started, I didn't sleep well, and I was having a mix of depression and hopelessness along with heightened anxiety and panic. Now I'm not getting more than 3-4 hours per night. My body is exhausted, but I can't sleep or rest or sit still. I've tried alcohol, cannabis, sedatives, but nothing helps me sleep. I have almost no appetite, forget to eat. I'm going back and forth between anxiety and euphoria, but deep down I feel like this is not right, and I'm frustrated. I want to be able to control my own body and mind, and I can't. I haven't been able to write for my NaNoWriMo novel in a few days, I go to work unprepared (I'm a teacher), and everything feels sort of foggy and far away. And my sex drive is completely out of control. I keep getting urges to just go out and find a stranger to take home, even though I know logically that this is a terrible idea and I've had bad experiences with it in the past.

It's been close to a week now and it's not stopping. My questions to you all are:
1. Is there anything that could be causing this besides bipolar disorder? I don't know of anything but I want to get as much information as I can. I don't want to act on the assumption that I'm bipolar if it might be something else.
2. Is it worth going to a doctor and getting a diagnosis? Keep in mind that I live in a central European country. I have sh***y health insurance and can only afford to go to the main hospitals. The standard of care is quite good, but I won't have a choice of doctors, especially since I don't speak much of the local language, so I'm limited to the few English-speaking doctors. The only one I know of for sure is a man who has a reputation for just writing prescriptions and shooing you away (an addict friend of mine goes to him for pills). I've been put on antidepressants before and they only made me feel worse (and the side effects lasted for years after I stopped taking them, so I'm reluctant to try more pills).

Can anyone offer their experience/advice? What will happen if I get a diagnosis? I don't want to be put on lithium or something. I've seen people on that and they look like zombies. Most of the time my problem is depression, but I'm honestly not sure which extreme is worse.

I knew a guy who suffered from the extremes of bipolar. When he was up, he could rule the world. When he was down, he felt no bigger than a garden slug. The diagnosis helped him because with diagnosis there came medication. I believe he took, and still takes, Risperdal. In higher doses it can put weight on you like Lithium. I'm currently on 2mg myself. I take my just for depression as I don't have any manic episodes at all.

It's not a good thing to live like this everyday, so yes I think a diagnosis is worth it. I live everyday of my life like this and it's horrible. There are many types of medications to take beside lithium and a competent doctor will not put you on anti-depressants only if you suspect you have bipolar.

I was on lithium for a few years. I had my normal emotions. no zombie-ness. lithium is effective and inexpensive and also prevents suicide in bipolar depression. Depakote and tegretol are other options, as are the neuroleptics. meds are what you need, so a doctor who prescribes meds as his main mode of functioning is not a drawback. I had frightening episodes from 1986 to 1995. since then I've taken my meds religiously and no one but my pharmacist would guess I have a problem. please get help before you lose your job.

Well, the thing is, I don't know if it's really necessary for me to take meds. These "up" episodes really don't come often, and they don't generally last more than a week or two. I don't deal with this all the time or every day by any stretch of the imagination. (Most of the time I'm depressed, but I don't get suicidal, I have my own ways of fighting it and I definitely won't take antidepressants.) It's not pleasant, and I am unable to do a lot of things I should be doing, but on the other hand, I'm not at risk of losing my job. Actually, yesterday I cranked out an incredible original lesson, just pulled straight out of my ass. There were parents visiting to see the classes, and they both raved about how great I am to my boss when I was done. My co-teacher kept telling me how amazing the lesson was. I seem to get nothing but positive feedback from that job - I'm a natural teacher I guess, and I can do it well even when I can't focus. Actually, the higher energy is a positive when working with small children.

I don't know. I guess I should find out what I'd have to do to see a doctor, how much it would cost, and if it's possible to do without missing a day of work. I know that private psychiatrists are insanely expensive here, and my insurance doesn't pay for any medication at all, but I could check and maybe I'll get lucky and there's a doctor at the hospital I could see.

Also to keep in mind is the very high chance that I have narcolepsy, which I also want to try to get diagnosed. I know that the hospital has a sleep lab, so there's a chance my insurance will pay for diagnosis of that. That was my top priority before this week, because the sleep attacks (which I get even when manic - less often and for shorter periods of time, but there are definitely sudden moments of intense sleepiness) *do* interfere with my job. I don't know that I could afford to address both of these issues at once, especially considering the days of work I'd have to miss. Maybe I'll wait a bit, just look for information for now, and see how long I feel this way and whether it really needs to be dealt with immediately...

Yes lithium is fine for me too. I don't know what this rumour is about zombie-ness on lithium. Maybe from the past when people were getting too high a dose? Now, Seroquel will make you a zombie, until your body gets used to it.

There are other things you should know if you are bipolar, besides the meds. Keep a stable routine, avoid the sun if you are manic and get more sun if depressed.

And you say the mania is not affecting your work. Well maybe it hasn't...yet. It will only take one episode where you are a little bit higher to kill your career, which is a shame because it sounds like you really love it. What if you put a student in danger? What you need to understand is that when you get manic your insight reduces, even if you still think you are in control, you are not.

I appreciate the advice. Thanks to all. I'll keep that in mind about lithium. It seems I was misinformed.

I just can't imagine what I'm experiencing ever doing any harm to anyone. It's certainly unpleasant for me, but I've never even come close to endangering another person. In fact, people seem to universally like me better when I'm like this. I'm not feeling good, I can't stop moving, can't rest, can't focus, can't relax, but I have also been to work early every day, managed to get a lesson plan together in time (I have a knack for improvising when I'm not prepared), paid my bills, etc. The only things I'm not doing are things that only affect me, such as my NaNoWriMo novel (which I'm devastated over - I was right on track until this started and now I'm 3 days behind).

It might be relevant that I have a lot of experience with recreational drugs (not illegal to possess or use in this country), including MDMA, which is very similar to what I'm feeling now. While my friends always go a little crazy when they're high, I never seem to. Even when I'm extremely high, I'm always the one making sure everyone has their keys and wallets, talking others out of bad decisions, helping friends find their way home, etc. I seem to have a natural talent for remaining responsible no matter how messed up I am. My sense of responsibility even pulls me out of the worst bouts of depression sometimes, because I know other people are counting on me to do my job, so no matter how completely worthless and hopeless I feel, and no matter how willing I am to let myself rot, I can't do anything that would so much as inconvenience other people, let alone hurt them.

So I might be a mild danger to myself, but I honestly believe that I won't ever be a danger to others. My deepest instinct seems to be caring for others and keeping them safe. I think it might be more important for me to deal with the narcolepsy issues first. That's every single day of the year, no matter what, and it does have a very negative impact on things like my job. Of course, if I find that I can deal with both without too much cost or trouble, I will do so.

Last night I actually managed to get to sleep. I drank an entire bottle of wine (I never drink wine and usually a single glass is enough to get me drunk) and smoked just an insane amount of cannabis. I actually got some sleep. When I woke up this morning, I wasn't hung over (normally I would be for sure!), but I was drowsy all day and although I was less restless, I was also even less able to focus. For a while I thought it might even be ending already, I was so sleepy, but now it's evening and I'm back up and feeling like my head is buzzing and my heart is pounding.

It got me wondering, though. Everything I've read seems to clearly state that a manic episode must last at least 7 days in order for bipolar disorder to be considered. So what is it if it's less than 7 days? Is there another cause of all these symptoms that I don't know about? What if someone has regular bouts of depression and sometimes they get the exact symptoms of severe mania, but it only lasts 4 days? Are they not bipolar? What are they then?

I've been accused of being a hypochondriac so many times that I always doubt myself when I'm feeling bad. I always think, what if it really is all in my head? Is it possible I'm imagining this? Is it possible it's just hormones, or exhaustion, or stress, or what have you? What if I go to the doctor and get a prescription for medication I don't need? A diagnosis that isn't correct? I feel like a burden on everyone around me...