I've recently been diagnosed with GAD, and Bipolar I, and am questioning whether I might fit on the spectrum. I have always had some social anxiety, and have have some stereotyped behaviors that I have always attributed to undiagnosed ADHD. As a kid, I definitely had restricted interests (ie I would watch the same movie every day for weeks, I would build the same lego set over and over, etc.). I was VERY quiet as a young kid, and I think my parents and teachers just took that as being well behaved. Once I hit puberty, I really broke out of my shell and wanted to socialize more. I had a pretty outgoing personality in high school, even though I was still fairly anxious and didn't have a lot to say. I had no problem initiating conversations though and made friends fairly easily. I did very well in school, teachers liked me because I was generally well-behaved, and most other kids liked me because I was nice to everyone. I didn't have much in the way of interests outside of school. I played in the school band, but never loved it, and I was captain of the cross country team which was my one real passion. I went on to a good college, where I ran XC as well and was handed a friend/support group by being on the team. I did pretty well in classes, was again a captain of my team, graduated with a Bachelor's in Neuroscience (this is the most painful irony of my existence).
Since leaving school, however, it feels like my mental state has completely deteriorated. I have realized that I can't hold a real conversation about much of anything, because I hardly have any real memory skills. I couldn't tell you much of anything that I have learned in school, anything people tell me, or even much about what I've done or where I've been. My working memory is fine, so getting through school was easy enough, I could just memorize and hold the info until tests. I can't form strong opinions on things, or really think deeply about anything. I feel very stuck on the surface of my head. I am just constantly talking to myself internally, about myself or my immediate past, things I do wrong, etc. To the point where I can't really think about much of anything else. It's really difficult to find any motivation to do things or go places, because I know I won't remember much about it. Social interaction is extremely difficult, not because I don't want to meet people and talk to them, but because I can't think of anything to talk about at all.
I've come to this realization over the course of the last 4 months. This time has involved two different jobs, which were difficult to handle since I can't seem to learn from people talking to me, both of which I quit (one after an incident that led to some PTSD and one after constant panic attacks), several months of insomnia, moving in with and moving out from a girlfriend who has been extremely supportive (but it was difficult living together since I have nothing to talk about except my problems). These things have exasperated my memory issues and put it at the forefront of my mind which obviously doesn't help.
This has left me in a severely depressed state (I was diagnosed bipolar I after my attempt at treatment with SSRIs sent me into what I guess is a manic state, where I quit my job and came close to suicide). I know the memory issue is my biggest problem, so treating everything else feels like putting bandaids on a bullet wound. I got an MRI which was apparently clear, which is honestly pretty disheartening because I really want an answer. Is it possible that it is just severe ADHD? Learning disabilities? I don't understand...
Does anyone else have memory problems like this?
18 Dec 2013, 4:45 pm
