Do you block out the past ?

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Do your past mental illness events bother you ? I have flash backs sometimes that cause me to think of them. The flashbacks make me think I am a horrible person. I am reminded sometimes of the demented things I did (that I cannot even speak about), other times I acted mean to others, failed opportunities that were given to me, I betrayed love, kindness and generosity, and during the worst times showing up at the hospital as a "crazy person" which meant poor dress, poor manners, probably affecting a disgust to others because of my presentation.

I cannot even list out all my mental illness events here without making people think I am demented person.

When I get a flashback I try to block it out. I think eventually everyone who knew me will be dead from old age, and all knowledge of my events will be lost. That brings me comfort. Sometimes I shout out to myself - yell outloud at myself - condemn myself for doing these things. My brain is not forgiving of my actions - even though how can it be my fault ?

Someone told me that we will be "haunted by demons" are whole lives because of what happened in our past ? Not real demons, metaphorical demons. That means you have recurring thoughts about your past that say - REMEMEBER WHO YOU WERE AND WHAT YOU DID - to humble you and shame you in your mind.

As ASD/AS people we know about pretending to be normal. However, with mental illness, I feel like I wear a mask that hides the shock and disgust that are known only to those who have encountered me when I had an event. I am hiding it. My brain makes me remember, however.

I feel compelled to shout , "I was SICK! I was demented. I am not an equal now. I don't deserve anything".

There is no wiping out those memories from my mind.

Last edited by LoveNotHate on 19 Dec 2013, 3:58 pm, edited 4 times in total.

I had some bad memories I surpressed for years. Eventually they came back to the surface. I had to deal with them for a good year and a half. My actions in that year and a half will never be forgotten, but I had to find a way to overcome and deal with it and move on with my life. I didn't want to live a life of self-defeat anymore.

Sorry to hear about your bad experiences, Love. Like everyone, I have regrets too, and it can make me scared to go out in public sometimes. Paranoia is something that I live with constantly. Luckily ( ) I don't just have psychotic symptoms, but I have alcoholism as well. This actually is sort of a blessing in a way, in that the 9th step (making amends to people you've harmed) has "promises" attached to them. Among them is freedom from fear of people, and we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I'm looking forward (kind of) to doing this step, as I believe it'll greatly reduce my paranoia.

However, I think the psychotic events that happened to me recently are the ones that I'm most embarrassed and ashamed of. I went crazy towards this one girl in my life and sent her some emails (from the psych ward. Oh, and I TOLD her I was in the psych ward ) claiming that God told me that her and I were meant to be together and were going to get married, but that she wasn't worth my time and totally cussed her out for no good reason. To my surprise, this scared the bejesus out of her That's obviously only part of the story, but it still makes me freaked out that I'm going to run into her or someone she knows and feel like a freak.

Yep - it has taken me 25 yrs to come to terms with my biggie.

The time spent blocking it only served to empower it, and it haunted my dreams.

I think I have it sorted now. By confronting it and ceasing to try to block it, I think I have finally disempowered it - certainly I no longer dream about it.