Bipolar: after a delusional period, did it happen at all?

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Does anyone else with bipolar feel that after one mood cycles into another especially those periods of psychosis, do you feel so different that it's like it never happened at all?

Sometimes when I reflect on all my anxiety, depression, delusions and euphoric manias and all the thoughts and feelings that happen because of them, when they change or I level out I sometimes think maybe I'm exaggerating them.

I don't know if I have delusions but I tend to see meaning in events that happen are connected with what's happening in my life like it had to happen at that certain time so I learned from it. I also had a vision that felt like it was helping me advance to this next stage in my life. Like I literally saw myself fighting my own demons which was in the form of a monstrous snake.

Now I'm thinking did that really happen or was it just my imagination? Do I exaggerate all my terrifying anxiety? Then there's my paranoia and distrust of people I normally would trust. When that passes it's like I never felt those feelings.

Maybe this is more borderline than bipolar or the rapid cycling make me experience it all so fast it's like it never happened at all. I don't know. It's not a good feeling because it makes me question whether I am mentally ill at all and so I'm unlikely to go and get treatment for it.

I can generally feel much better after an episode. I can at least tell how much is residually bothering me. I trust things are better too much to actually consider whether I am really stable or better. Maybe people around me can also downplay how bad things are, at least when I interact with them.

There's something called magic thinking that a nurse tried to describe to me, where I would see some news event (I remember one about a father who burnt his family alive) and I thought that that news story was a consequence of my thoughts, I wasn't thinking the correct way and therefore was causing bad things to happen like a cruise liner tipping over or causing a large solar flare. I needed to calm myself before I made the sun explode or something. I was feeling mostly euphoria. I felt the universe was trying to tell me something. Even now I have that feeling even though I rationalize it and admit, this is the result of my madness these strange coincidences are the result of how I relate and perceive events. Like for instance I may believe that I do not have enough compassion, and then I see a person in a wheelchair, and I see it as I sign that I need to help these people. Or I think about killing myself and I see a person much worse of than I am, and this has happened on several occasions as I think about suicide a lot.

I don't know if the vision you had was something real or not. But I doubt it's real. When anyone makes a claim of a vision I doubt, very skeptical. The vision would have to make an accurate prediction of the future.

I didn't mean a vision like it was a prophecy. To me it was explaining where things were going in my life. Basically I was fighting this large serpent and it was like I was literally fighting my demons. It all had to do with transitioning from this current issues I was having which was struggling to fit in with a group of people. It wasn't my imagination because all the images were coming too quickly.

My problem is I think so many events happening around me are happening because of my situation. I guess that's like magic thinking. I once thought George Harrison died because I didn't pray the right way. Someone else died around the same time and I though the same thing.

When I write my own sci-fi I would see the themes I wrote about in the news. It was like I was causing them to be in the news.

I'm not actually sure how delusional I am. I just keep seeing patterns in things and it all feel so real to me like it helps me make decisions.

But like I said later on when it all wears off it feels like it never happened at all.