Is this anxiety?
I'm 19 and I've only had a few panic attacks in my life, but I know both my mom and sister have them pretty often as well as general intense anxiety over everything. I do experience bouts of trauma-related flashbacks when my depression is back, but that's more dissociation and crippling sense of danger then it is "i'm-dying-right-now" panic attack. I don't consider myself a high stress person-- when I' am stressed it's usually a constant, steady moderate level of stress over schoolwork that i'm just used to experiencing. without that middle-level stress i would never get anything done (I'm being ADD evaluated this summer).
I just finished my first year of college for acting and realized the other day that i had the upcoming opportunity to do my first ever truly professional auditions, and it was like my body went haywire. i don't get performance anxiety, but big auditions mean a lot is on the line, namely my name as a performer in my city in the years to come. So, these are like my first major interview within a company would be, you know? anyway, i just tried to run off the panic that it made me feel for a few day. then my boyfriend started giving me signs that I need to reevaluate if things with him need to end soon, and then i was fortunate enough to just be asked to join a show for the summer.
so, that's great, i got to pretty entirely bypass auditioning for things, and i think the opportunity will help me get a bit of exposure, but it's an all adult, all-business bunch of people, which is an environment I've never worked in. terrified to mess up.
i also had to decide this week what i will do if my ENT tells me at my upcoming consultation i need an adult tonsillectomy (whether I will schedule it this summer [which i couldn't do if I accepted the work i was offered] or risk putting it off until December.
last night it's like i was drowning in stress all night, and when i woke up this morning all of my upper body muscles are super painful to touch. i know i ate super poorly yesterday and I usually eat like a personal trainer haha, but i don't see why my very neck and skull muscles hurt to touch. my upper arms and hands were also a bit numb in the middle of the night last night, so i took my blood pressure, thinking i had just too much sodium or something, and my bp was better then when my doctors rave about how good it is at the dr's office- it was about 113/70. any idea what the hell is going on? i assume it's stress but it's just so weird that my panic is through the roof so suddenly, when most of the things happening aren't even that bad.
I get anxiety that sometimes causes my body to tense so much that it's like something breaks and I can't move without severe pain. Like in my back, or leg or neck or whatever. Like I hurt myself with anxiety. It's hard to explain. Some meds help me but some drugs drain me out so much they're not able to let me function. I have found clonidine to be a helpful non benzo drug sometimes.
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It's an emu egg
