Hello. Even thought its quite uneffective, i tend to hope i will find one day some sort of answers to questions i have been asking myself, and i often try to find them on the net, since dealing with the real world is not that easy.
Here is my story. I decided to post it using a nicknamei dont use anywhere else? I am from France. My parents divorced when i was five/six, my mother got me most of time and i had to visit my father one week on two.
My life as school was not always easy. I worked well and tried to do my best, but i wasnt at ease with others. Which part is my responsability, i certainly have a responsability, and which is not, i cant say. When i was not at school i used to stay at home, eithe rplaying toys or video games, which where a door on worlds which had codes i could master.
I think i hated others the more from 11 to 15 years, where i felt i was definitely too different. Other boys kept telling mei was ugly or mongolian, i always tried to act as if i didnt care. I never told my parents all about these issues, except at some point when things went too far and i got some items stolen or felt really too harassed.
Things went a bit better when i went to what people in usa call college, which is lycee here. Unfortunately, there were them some friends of some of the people who annoyed me, and i had to deal with it until my 17-18.
Then came university and i felt better, everybody there was nice and clever. However, i kept sheltering myself and not trusting anyone, running away from possible love stories i could have lived just because i was too afraid and didnt want to be manipulated or hurt, or wanted to avoid anything bad to happen. I also had the fear i if engaged ia Relationship, some sort of dark part of me could be exposed, that there was possibly something in me not normal, likely to make me a cursed being.
In 2006, without any visible reason, i had a nervous breakdown partly explained by sleeping pills addiction.(i had took pills that year to sleep and couldnt get rid of them, when i tried i had a pain in the chest, in the neck, fast beating heart,etc.
I also had thoughts that mad eme feel guilty or afraid. With the time, i realized this was related to my childhood and to the fact i had hidden and buried tons of things in my mental garden, stating to myself this was to go ahead.
2007 gave me a bit of hope. Starting to work as a teahcer(i hd passed my exam succesfully, i was hoping my life would be different. Unfortunately, i failed because i had issues while teaching, i was just bad at it and in the end i was fired by the government(i lacked authority and had issues with the way we had to teach).
Since then, i live alone at home(since 2009) with my parents. Things are a bit better since i started a therapy in 2012 where i found out ihad OCDS.
Those OCDS were in fact very old but i ha dont noticed them immediately. They exploded during my nervous break down though: i checked doors, checked if running water was off, checked if gas was off in the kitchen. I also often use to pray when i feel anxious, when my parents go out i pray to avoid accidents.
The medics and the therapy are effective but i still dont feel happy. I havent found any job yet, and my "sentimental life" is a big desert.
Games , books are there though, they relieve me a bit.I am terrible at human relationships, i have experienced it on the web as well, and i often find myself "cornered" when i express my opinions. I take it with philosophy and tend to be a bit provoking so i am a bit responsible when i get blamed but at the same time, i feel i want to keep saying what i think, as unpopular as it can be.
I recently decided to ask a social aid to live better, because i feel worried about the future, and i dont see myself living until 80 years for example.
If i could, i would like to find love, a woman who would understand me and i would understand, a job and live peacefully. I often feel "empty" because i achieved so few things, and i know this doesnt mean anything but i sometimes compare my life to other people checking their Facebook profile(i have no contacts on Facebook except someone i met on a website and who is a friend) they have photos showing they have a job and have built a family.
I dont envy them for the kids, because i dont want any, but for that image of fulfilment.
I have not autism but i feel a stranger to this world. The title of this website has various meanings. Are we on the wrong planet(with people we struggle to understand), if this planet wrong(the way humans live)?
One thing i have learnt is that facing the darkness is still the best way to progress, and that once you face the monster you can beat him. Since i face my fears, things are a bit better for me. But there is still a long way to go and a lot of problems to solve.
Maybe some people will recognize their lives or some parts of their lives reading this.
29 Mar 2015, 4:48 pm
