Happy Holidays, this will be long and muddled

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Well, Christmas Day is over for me, and I feel terrible.

I've never had a Christmas experience this bad before with my family, and I still have one more family function to go to tomorrow. Not really looking forward to it, I'd love to dip out.

I dipped out of one Christmas dinner today, partially why I just feel like crap right now. I've been off my medication (anxiety/depression/ocd) for no other reason than for forgetting to take them, and I just took some now for instant relief. Now I can reflect on all the anxiety I felt earlier, which probably could have been avoided.

I feel like I've really stirred up bad feelings between my mom and I, and I've even refused to stay over (her place) for the 2-more days she wanted me to be there for.

I'll have to face her tomorrow, she's hosting the major Christmas party at her place. I feel incredibly guilty for probably spoiling Christmas for her and creating some kind of rift between us, again. I knew it'd be a bad idea to sleepover there, (her house always makes me brood about old drama, bad feelings), yet I tried it out and the outcome came as expected.

This is why I keep my visits short there, but she thinks I'm crazy whenever I try to explain it. Honestly, the place is basically an equivalent to a haunted house of horrors for me. There's things I still haven't moved past, so I try to cope the best I can until I feel like things really are in the past and don't apply to me now.

Usually, old news just gets thrown up in my face without me instigating it. That's likely why I can't seem to get past as much as I want to, it's like I'm not allowed to move on without being reminded of everything that's been done and dealt with, or has yet to be dealt with.

It's really most of my fault for sometimes being irresponsible and reluctant to take medication, I sometimes forget how badly I can feel and how easily I can flipflop moods.

To sum up what happened over the course of yesterday and today, she said some things about my depression and anxiety, and then I kept getting weepy over the topic. I skipped out on the Christmas dinner today because we got into other sensitive topics during the drive over, and I ruined my makeup by weeping some more.

She always has things to say about my hair, makeup, and clothes, so I constantly feel pretty inadequate when I'm going out somewhere with her. This is what makes me more irked than weepy, but I normally transition to being weepy as soon as she claims I'm just doing things to 'be different', or 'get back at her'.

Honestly, no one seems offended about my physical appearance except her. I don't know why she makes it to be about her, I think I look put together the majority of the time and always make time for it. I like to put makeup on and dress up because I feel better about myself when I do it, so it hurts that she's very critical of me when I feel like I look good. It's a really sensitive criticism for me, she knows just how to get right under my skin about that specifically.

I just went home after that, I didn't want anyone to see me like this. I feel like my mother really brings things up at the worst of times, where I can't even walk away or have time to cool down from them, or when people are around and I have to put a different face on to not inconvenience everyone.

I have much less self-control over my emotions lately because I've been on the Depo-Provera birth control, so it doesn't take a lot to get me crying. All I wanted was to not get into sensitive topics, and to just have a decent time not worrying about everything. Now I'm worrying about everything and more, the situation really sucks.

Sorry about being vague and mixed up, I just feel really foggy and deadbeat after today.