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I was going to do my usual paranoid hide-under-a-rock routine for the next few months. And I've done that enough times that I know how that will turn out. I'll just retreat inside my head, and talk to my fairies, and it will be nice, and happy, and safe - and yet I ultimately won't make any progress with my issues.

What I don't know is what will happen if I take the brave (or foolish?) approach, of facing my problems head-on, and sharing my issues here. Which makes them real, and puts me in a position of having to take responsibility for them, and at least make an attempt toward progress.

I am willing to make that attempt. But it's got to be baby steps. And anyone kind enough to try to help me here, needs to understand that I am traumatized by doctors, and medication. So Phase 1 is going to have to involve cognitive self-care methods, with the goal of getting a physical (I'm thinking in October), as a first step toward other appointments.

So while I appreciate anyone willing to help me with my issues, I do need you to understand that I can only deal with baby steps. Don't give me a list of things I need to try, and expect me to do all that immediately. Maybe suggest one teeny-tiny thing I can try - not even right now, but maybe in a week, or a month, or sometime in the future.

This is the level of broken that I am, and why I generally don't reach out for help. I'm 46 and live with my parents, and for the past 7 years I've only left the house a few times per year, for medical appointments (which often cause psychotic breaks, requiring months of recovery before I can try again).

As for my actual diagnoses, I'm not certain anything's official (because I've never seen the same therapist long enough for them to make a valid assessment). But the suspicions at this point are PTSD (sexual abuse), Bipolar, ASD, Schizoid, and/or Schizotypal. Also Lyme disease, which causes chronic pain, fatigue, and brain fog.

The good news is that I'm happy, in my own way. Living with my folks, talking to my fairies, engaging in my hobbies, isolating myself from the confusion and trauma of the outside world. So the 'baby step' approach is just fine, since there's no dire need for me to make any progress at all. Financially I'm supported by my ex-husband (who divorced me for being a dysfunctional mess) - so there's no crisis in terms of basic survival needs, though I'm considered low income, and don't have huge amounts of money to throw at expensive treatments.

So yeah, here's me being brave, and deciding to be open about my issues, rather than hiding. I need to water the garden now, but next I will explain the recent circumstances that triggered my latest psychotic episode.

Thanks to anyone willing to offer encouragement, as I take baby steps toward maybe doing a tiny bit better.

Baby steps are better than no steps at all....

Thank you, Kraftie... This thread itself is a baby step, so that's something?

As for the latest psychotic episode... My mom has been away the past several days, visiting my brother and his family. And I've been home with my dad - who is a kind and gentle person, but he's a man, and I'm terrified of men. So without my mom here, I've been fighting this sense of overwhelming dread, that's made me feel sick.

And somehow that led to me posting weird delusional stuff here on WP. Knowing that I wasn't feeling right in the head, but posting anyway. Which is not a good thing; it's a behavior I absolutely need to get under control, because it affects others. So there's a reason right there, why I need to make progress.

Also, my dad has caught me talking to fairies and being generally insane a couple times lately, which is awkward and embarrassing. (Though not surprising to him, because it's been happening for years.) So I would like to make progress with that too, if only to experience less embarrassment and shame, on a daily basis.

And, the fact that I went psychotic just from my mom going away for a few days, has made me realize - my parents are in their 70s, and aren't going to be around forever. The time will come when I have to be strong, and figure out other living arrangements, and I need to prepare for that.

As for immediate baby steps though, this is what I'm currently working on:
- try to reach out for support on WP, and not just isolate myself
- stop scratching at myself, because I've got deep scabs that need to heal
- keep up with basic healthy diet, exercise, and sleep efforts
- hold it together until my mom gets back tomorrow

Other short-term goals:
- make a physical appointment for October
- try to offer support to others here on WP (not my strong point, not a good idea right now)

Thanks for reading. Also I just want to say that all are welcome in my thread, and my feeling about people is that we're all human beings, who are imperfect at times, and though I may have had conflicts with certain folks here, I don't hold grudges, and every day is a clean slate, as far as I'm concerned.

That's all I really have to say for now, but I'll try to update again tomorrow. (Maybe I should throw out a question, so people actually have something to respond to?) Here's one - if anyone wants to post their current baby steps, I'd be curious to see what others are working toward at the moment.

Thank you for this.

I will try to offer support...and try not to go "too far too soon."

You're a bright and useful person. I'm glad you're seeking to heal.

I've always thought you a thoughtful, intelligent person.

You might want to ask the moderators to move this thread to the members only sub forum. That way only members can read it. It’s a great post and you’ve identified important steps to take over time! Anne

Thank you, Kraftie and Anne. You're both very kind people, and I appreciate that so much.

Yes, it's probably a good idea to move this to Members Only - the moderator attention thread seems to be not working at the moment, but I will try again later.

I definitely have a problem with knowing how trusting I ought to be. I seem to either trust too much, or not at all. To the point of having dissociative personalities, who believe different things, at different times. Which came out in my recent delusional postings, and is something I'd like to get a handle on.

As for the different 'Ashariels', these are the ones I'm aware of:
- Delusional-Ashariel: trusting, oversharing, socially naive, no filter
- Paranoid-Ashariel: trusts no one, is certain everyone hates her
- Silly-Ashariel: (I'm baffled about this one, but apparently she posted lately, and wants to get banned?)
- Acceptable-Ashariel: sometimes manages to say things that come across okay
- Unacceptable-Ashariel: can't say anything right to save her life
- Hopeless-Ashariel: realizes the best thing to do is just isolate and be solitary

At the moment, I'm not certain which one of these I am. I would guess either Delusional (since I'm posting at all), or Acceptable (maybe? Really not sure).

But I would like to introduce you to the fakest of my personalities - we'll call her C.

C is the name on my driver's license, next to a picture of a random carbon-based life form that I'm trapped in at the moment. C is just an act, through and through. An attempt to conform, and please others. C doesn't even exist.

C's only goal in life is to stick around, for the sake of her parents. But after they're gone, if C ends up homeless and stabbed to death in the streets... Whatever, who cares.

But after C is gone, Ashariel will still exist. Ashariel has always existed, and will always exist. Ashariel is accepting her current prison sentence with patience, but looks forward to being free of it.

This mortal life is a write-off. I'm check-mated, there's no way out of the dysfunctional mess I'm in. C's brain is an addled mess, and seems to be getting worse. If C's brain needs medication, Ashariel will reluctantly accept that. But Ashariel will be sad if the medication puts her to sleep. Ashariel doesn't like to sleep.

What to do about all this? That is the question. I'm open to suggestions here.

I would say there is no "quick fix."

Just keep posting when you feel like it. Perhaps I will come up with insights, based upon what you say at the moment---which might lead to you gaining insight.

This goes for anybody else who posts here with the intention of "hanging out" you, or helping you.

Explicit help is not always useful. Help via "hanging out" could be.

I hesitate to consider myself worthy of responding since I haven't suffered nearly as much as you have, but I can relate to a lot of what you said. I'm also currently stuck in isolation where I haven't left the house aside from for appointments for years and living with parents. I think the baby steps you listed are a wonderful plan, in fact, signing up on this site and trying my best to empathize with others is the same first baby step that I took, and I do indeed think it is a good idea! I agree that trying to sort out physical health and sleep (I've been especially bad with the latter lately) is something that might help your mood and to achieve your other goals. I also have a plan for this Fall to try to go back to attending college and try to maybe do things differently this time like being more sociable. It's something that I'm still really unsure is the right thing to do, after all it's going back and trying to do exactly what brought about my meltdowns and isolation in the first place .

I would say the most important thing is don't feel rushed, take your time, and don't put too much blame or burden on yourself. Don't get overly caught up on any one thing succeeding or failing. You actually seem like your a very kind and self-aware person, I think you don't give yourself enough credit in that regard. In fact, anything I can think of to suggest you have already articulated very well in your own posts.

I do understand that you can have mood swings, and do things you regret during them. On the specific point of sometimes going on rants when emotional and then feeling like you've hurt people, that was a reason I removed myself from some social groups in the past, so I understand that feeling of regret and shame. This place is different, though, it's specifically for people to receive support and understanding, so I hope you can feel safer posting in this environment than when talking to strangers. All I can say is maybe understand that when you're doing these things it isn't your fault, it isn't the true you who is talking, it is the depression/chemical imbalance that is talking. I know it can be impossible to control myself when it hits me, and I start severely doubting and regretting all my decisions and actions and think about doing drastic things. Just try not to make any definitive big decisions when in the state, wait until you are feeling better. If you have to make some emotional posts to vent yourself and help get through it, I think we here would understand and I hope no one would take it wrongly.

I wish I had some better answers, but I'm still searching for them myself. I wanted to say again that you seem to be very good at self-analysis and have articulated yourself very well, but even the best analysts can have a huge blind spot in regards to themselves and judge themselves waaaaay too harshly. I know because I'm like that too . I really hope things work out for you! .

Sincerely,
Sloth

What are the Special Interests of C?

What are the Special Interests of Ashariel?

I have not seen any bad posts by anybody named Ashariel, by the way. Only good, useful posts (mostly, recently, to ASS-P).

Thanks, Kraftie & Sloth... That is really helpful to hear, and please know your efforts are not wasted. I'm glad I chose to reach out for help, instead of just giving up again, and running away.

As for my special interests... C is supposed to enjoy socializing, and doing NT stuff. She's supposed to be a normal, functional human being, and have a job, and spend her free time... being normal, I guess? C failed miserably at that, and doesn't even try anymore.

Ashariel - who I think can be defined as the person I truly am, and want to be, as opposed to who others want me to be - is curious about the mysteries of life. Anything that isn't known, Ashariel wants to know about.

In the past I've enjoyed other interests, such as certain TV shows and computer games. But lately I can't do any of those things due to focus problems, and sensory overload. My vision goes blotto after a minute or so, and I have bad arthritis in my hands that makes using a mouse or trackpad clumsy and painful. So I'm not able to do the things that used to keep me occupied, and semi-sane, and I think that's part of my problem here.

Because all that's left is talking to fairies. Which is not a bad thing (and my last therapist agreed). My fairies help me to sort things out, but lately my brain has been too foggy to even hear them properly.

I think this current extreme level of crazy is just due to my mom being gone. And she'll be back tonight, so hopefully my mental state will get better from here.

Sloth, I appreciate so much hearing that I'm not the only one with these issues - though I'm sorry you're struggling with the 'brokenness' too. You're amazingly insightful for such a young age (I was an idiot in my 20's) - and I hope that your baby steps will lead to being stronger and more functional too!

Thank you both for the reassurance that I tend to be too self-critical, and that I'm not as much of a monster as I sometimes worry that I am. I can be tormented with embarrassment and shame at times, for my failure to understand proper social behavior, but I think I need to keep trying to improve, rather than giving up entirely.

There's lots of good, substantial stuff in both of you.

If you "give up," it would be quite a waste.

I'm glad you've taken the pro-active route.

New baby step: stop talking about myself in the third person, as if I'm not even here. (Which I'm not... Sorry, that makes me laugh...) I need to pull it together here. Pick up the pieces of all these various flakey Ashariels, and this stupid C person they're stuck in, and stitch them together into something semi-functional.

It's not my goal to annoy people with my 'specialness'. But at the same time, it's the pressure to conform, and my hopeless failure at it, that causes me to shatter in the first place.

Question: is a person who struggles with delusions, psychosis, suppressed memories etc. - fundamentally 'toxic', and a danger to others? Because this is a huge reason why I tend to isolate. I tell myself I'm a monster, and people deserve better than to be inflicted with my insanity.

At the moment that's seeming true to me. (Is it true? If it is, I will leave.) And it would help me tremendously to have a definitive answer to that, so this is a case where I would prefer a harsh truth, over a pleasant lie.

If the truth is that it's better for everyone involved that I just stick to talking to fairies - no problem, I can do that.

They are only toxic if they cause damage to property. If they steal money. If they rant and rave and force their family to call the cops on them. If they call the cops on a friend for no reason. If they make somebody lose their job just for the heck of it.

Having delusions, hallucinations, etc., in and of itself, is not "toxic." It's how you behave in the course of them.

There are many people who are harmless, even if they are "psychotic." There are many nice, kind people who are psychotic.

Thank you, that helps a lot. No, I'm not violent in real life, I don't do any of that stuff.

But I also think that subtle psychological harm is every bit as damaging as obvious physical harm. I do think I'm capable of hurting people psychologically, even though I don't mean to.

The safest solution is to isolate - but I'm fighting that, in an attempt to learn how to do better.

Also, I feel more comfortable keeping this thread here in the Bipolar/Schizophrenia forum, because I feel less out of place, among other people who struggle with these issues. In the Members Only forum I'd feel like the crazy psychotic monster, among people who are more functional and stable than me.

If I keep my thread here, as the Ashariel Containment Thread, at least it's obvious... Readers beware

I actually have a weird view of psychosis.

I think there is probably some really creative stuff in it.

I wish I knew how to channel this really creative stuff into something which doesn't "come out" psychotic, somehow. And I wish this really creative stuff didn't make the person feel so bad.

A good friend of mine would disagree, though. She believes her psychosis is an "illness," and is mostly bad. She's highly critical of herself.