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I’m literally on my knees at this point which is why I returned here. Maybe someone might have some answers.

My history here: Joined this site in 2005 when I was 18. At age 20, I fell into severe OCD and have been fighting it off ever since. I’m 31 now. Disappeared from here, since I had another battle.

My doctor (I’ll go into him later) has had me on every medication in the book. Zoloft took the edge off, but when I was 29 it came back with vengence. A close friend of mine (Also had Aspergers) took his life. OCD took over mine ever since.

Aspergers, as everybody knows involves limited interests. My OCD associates my limited interest (Radio, music etc) with people dying.

Basically, I produced stuff, occupied my life with what I’ve always enjoyed doing (which I did for my entire life almost) and then someone or something dies and it’s my fault for playing some music (My brain is convinced) I blame the OCD, try again, cycle repeats. So I’m literally the person with aspergers, deep into what I am into and I can’t enjoy my minimal interests anymore because I know someone will die because of me even though I have nothing to do with it. I believe it’s called Responsibility OCD or something to that effect.

So without being able to enjoy what I like doing, I’ve fallen into severe depression. Go to the doctor (Who does not listen, appointments 2 minutes, doctor and his staff always make threats to cut off my anxiety medication if I fill it a day early) and all that. There’s no other psychiatrists in the area, so I’m stuck with him.

None of what he does works. I have nothing but negative thoughts in my mind (I’m 31, I’m past my prime, the days are going by too fast, I want to enjoy life again, I wish I was still in high school, etc) Everybody I express myself to simply have no answers or I get scolded for being “too negative”

There’s one substance that has taken the racing thoughts out of my mind that I first tried when I was 24 out of complete agony. Helped the racing thoughts and stress, but it’s not accepted everywhere, and I have to be in constant fear if I use it. Most people know what I’m talking about. So that’s out of the question as a form of treatment for this torture, unless I move which I cannot do. Even that doesn’t stop the OCD completely anyway.

I’m convinced that either the OCD I have is so bad that there is no cure, or that my insane thoughts that I try to blame the OCD on are completely true. I’m guessing the answer is that there is no cure for it and I’m stuck here.

Now that I’ve come to terms with the fact that I have incurable OCD and will probably never be able to enjoy life the way I did before, I need to tackle OCD’s domino style effects (Anxiety and Depression)

For Anxiety, I’m on Lorazepam, which I’ve been on since I was 20. Does not work well, but I’ve been found on the ground unconcious having a seizure for not taking it (Withdrawl) This shows how good my so-called “Doctor” is. Especially when he threatens to cut me off when the pharmacy automatically fills it a day early.

Is there anything else that is legal in all 50 states that can stop anxiety without making me dependent on it? Same goes for depression. I fall into a deep state of depression when I stop or taper from SSRIs and when I take them, their side effects make things much worse.

I am simply so sick of suffering and having to break the stupid state law in order to not feel terrible 24/7. If anybody has any sort of answers, suggestions, anything, feel free to let me know. I’m out of options here.

Sorry if this seems like a negative rant. It’s far from it. It’s a cry for help.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I’m only 14, but I can definitely relate. I was diagnosed with severe OCD just after I turned 13, and I’ve had it my entire life. Like you, I take Zoloft, but it has only been about 7 months since I started. I’m really sorry it stopped working for you though.

Being unable to enjoy the minimal things in life that make you happy is absolutely horrible. I’m sure you have heard this before, but the issue is that you are putting way too much importance on your own actions and blaming yourself for them when unrelated events occur. You are not a bad person, and you don’t control these things. However, it is impossible to convince that part of your brain that you do. The cycle repeats.

In my experience, if you have untreated OCD, depression is almost inevitable. It seems as if you have been through a lot of treatments by what you wrote in your post. If this is true, can you explain which treatments/therapies you have tried and if they worked or not?

I think your psychiatrist is an absolute quack, but I don’t think that your OCD is untreatable to the point where you can live a fairly normal life. Unfortunately, at this level, I don’t think it can be completely cured, but I definitely think it can be reduced by a substantial amount to the point where you can live happily and healthfully. I can definitely assure you that your “insane thoughts” are not true at all, but that won’t do much. All I know is that you don’t come across as negative at all. You come across to me as someone who is desperate for hope and relief. Anyone in your situation would act the way you are. If anything, you are more positive than other people would be in your situation .

Is there any way that you could see a doctor that could prescribe you something like an SSRI that may help? I know another psychiatrist may be out of the question, but hopefully there may be other options available.

I know what you are talking about, and I don’t think you are a bad person at all for breaking the state law. Of course, it would be preferable not to have to, but that isn’t an option for you at the moment, so I completely understand.

I also would like to know if anyone in your family has OCD that you know of. If there is an obvious genetic susceptibility, then that may aid you in your treatment options.

I hope this helps and you are doing well.

I absolutely agree with Stampy here. The OCD might not be absolutely curable, but it is definitely treatable. The fact that you used to be able to enjoy these things before, makes me think that it is possible that you will do so again. It's something that is incredibly hard to deal with on your own though. It really sucks that you don't have any good choices as far as the psychiatrist, but maybe circumstances will change and you will be able to move or a new opportunity will arise.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is what is usually recommended for OCD. If you don't have access to such a program in your area, maybe you could get a book that helps you analyze yourself with CBT. I think weed (assuming that's what you meant) can at best be a temporary measure, and at worst have negative effects, but you shouldn't beat yourself up too much about having used it. There's also things like exercise, but that only works for certain people.

I wish there were some miracle easy solutions to offer. Like Stampy said, remember it isn't your fault, you aren't a bad person, and don't be afraid to ask people for help. Sincerely hope things get better for you!

I concur with what Stampy and Isloth stated.

You CAN enjoy life again.

You are NOT responsible for the events which you feel responsible for.

Make an appeal to what may be termed "cut and dry logic."

Thanks for the responses. Just reading them now. I do have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday and I’m worried about that.

I spoke on the phone to an LCSW who works with my insurance company. She told me to contact either a local division that helps people with mental health that I never heard of before (If I need to change doctors)

She also suggested if all fails I could just go to my primary doctor. Never thought of that.

CBT would cost me $2-300 a session because they do not take insurance at the only nearby place. I don’t have it. I’m on disability because of both the Aspergers and the OCD

It’s been 11 years this week that I finally had to start seeing the psychiatrist again (I spent most of my teenage years away from him)

Here’s every medication since:
Lorazepam for Anxiety (He threatens me with this one all the time, to cut me off)

2007 - Prozac. Up to 200MG. Failed.
2008 - Geodon (I was basically stuck in bed with this one.)
2008 - Busparone (The same one I mentioned)
2008-Early ‘09 - Zoloft. Really took the edge off until I was 29.
2017 - Paxil, Celexa, Zoloft again, all failed.
2018 - Luvox. Down to 50mg from 200.