I have Autism, Schizophrenia and a math learning disability.
People tell me that I must be very high functioning a lot. They don't understand that some days I just cant function at all. I will probably not be able to live alone. Yet some people think I can. They don't think I need all of the support that I get. Someone even told me that I dont have autism or schizophrenia because I can hold a conversation. Most of my conversations are scripted and repeats and mashups of old conversations to be honest. I mask a lot I guess.
However it's also weird when someone acknowledges my struggles because I feel embarrassed and like there is something wrong with me. I read my IEP in Grade 12. I read my mental health assessments. Those make me feel like I'm not like most people my age. It makes me cry sometimes. Sometimes I wish I was neurotypical because then I wouldn't struggle as much with things that NTs find easy. I have to take 2 meds every day as well.
Then people laugh at me for being different or people are uncomfortable around me. I made some teen girls uncomfortable because I started crying at the library. Sometimes I laugh when I'm not supposed to as well. Sometimes I get sensory issues and I start undressing myself in public. I almost get kicked out of places for that behaviour. I just get super frustrated. Also my siblings get annoyed with me a lot. They think I ruin moments. They dont include me a lot of the time. I once embarrassed them in front of their friends because I had a full on meltdown because I lost a 4 leaf clover. Another time I had an episode that lasted 2 months. It was the worst and best of times tbh. I started peeing on the floor. My sister was embarrassed to know me. I also started to wake up at 3 times each morning. Thought I was getting messages from god. I started smearing to summon Angels. Thought I had to do that. My sister stopped inviting friends over. She just couldn't explain to them what was going on. Because to her friends I seem "normal".
24 Mar 2022, 5:39 pm
