Say Something Random: psychological Conditions Version

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Well that's where I'm confused because he says it's a coping mechanism and not a mental illness

Anyway I'll ask him when I see him next week.

I read about some cases where people had auditory processing disorder & thought they were hearing voices when it was really due to their brain processing various background sounds & noises wrong. Some of them were misdiagnosed & put on antipsychotics when the problem really had nothing to do with auditory hallucinations. There are also some people who are auditory thinkers & their brains think in words instead of images & sometimes their thoughts can sound like voices to them. I'm one of those people. I've also heard of people's consciousnesses being describe as voices in their heads as well; like on TV shows when someone is experiencing a moral dilemma & there's an angle talking to them in one ear & a devil talking to them in the other. It is a visual representation of the person's thought process which some people do experience as voices in their heads.

This.. "Darkness" that I have for as long as I can remember.

As soon as before age 5. And became something more malicious since age 7.

Malicious enough to actually have malicious desires. Questionable amoral acts and thoughts that no child should have. Even taking pleasure at hurting.


It seems that...
Being autistic might be the only reason why I even have a sense of right and wrong, or 'be a child' as a child at all.
Or even ever felt a sense of guilt, sympathy and remorse -- yet, also hating having it.

If I wasn't, I'd probably one of those sociopaths who would go in trouble with the law or some homewrecker.

Whatever this is, it's the reason why I never believed that I'm a good person.

It's hard to untangle this... "Darkness"... From whatever it is being interacted with.
It's more like a form of hunger, than an expression of hurt and lack. I'm not sure where it came from.

It's not like I was abused or ended up with something extreme or complicated.

The worst would just be outright ignorance and emotional immaturity from my own NT parents.
Just 'normal' negative crap... Stacking unto another...
And I'm "sensitive" and won't respond the same like most NTs would...

But still...
The damage is there... If that's even called a damage. And if it is, it's a mystery where it came from other than just utter "normal" human ignorance.

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You're not a sociopath

Of course I'm not a sociopath.
But I could've skirt around ASPD if I were more NT to afford those traits.

I am sure that I'm a violent person somewhere in my core. It's likely a family curse.

I just kept holding back to a point that holding back bleeds into other aspects of my life.

Whether because of right and wrong, because of knowing the inability to afford whatever consequences, or out of sheer uncertainty.

And...
I don't know how to channel it. Maybe my family can, but they'd likely deny it exists, dismissing it as if it's a typical human trait, say nonsense like 'be humble' or some BS.

I've yet to relate to anyone who also do -- that, or everyone else who do are denying or just excel at self regulation to afford something like this, in which I struggle so much.

All I know is that it's very destructive and very risky, it's like I'm two people fighting.

There's novelty seeking, and then there's "this", which is actively malicious and actually morally wrong.

The worst part is that it's not my head that wants it -- that would be suspected malevolent OCD, which I'm sure I don't have. It's not some recurring intrusive thought.
My "heart" wants it. I crave and desire it -- it's not some mere thought or some 'what if'.


Now I'm becoming more inconsistent because of fluctuating energy levels, which is very annoying.

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I have an annoying habit of biting my nails. I don't know if it is pre-meditated by anxiety, which I experience frequently, but it is undesirable.

I love my imagination and my resourcefulness, they have saved my life...literally.

Just made my picture for tomorrow. It's a picture of how my brain works.