I'm looking for an FTM I can talk to

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First of all, I want to clarify something. I was NEVER molested. I have never had anyone touch me in any sexual way without my consent. I don't think that's affecting me.

I have found a lot of things that are exactly me; I will put them here first and comment on them...

That's basically me. When I was very young, I didn't really have a concept of gender identity. But ever since I was around eight or nine, I felt...Not Female. When I learned what gender was, I didn't feel comfortable being placed in the "female" box.


I get horrified whenever I think of taking estrogen so I will "feel like a girl" because that's NOTME. I would rather die than be put on those hormones. Also, I hate your dad.


LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY!! I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to cut my breasts off...or at least mutilate them to the point where doctors would have no choice to remove them. I almost tried to do it today, but I remembered that my friend told me I would die if I did it by myself.


I hate wearing dresses...and I haven't worn makeup since I was in elementary school (I had to for this dance class my mom put me in). But when puberty hit...that was awful! I went into denial about having breasts and refused to wear a bra...then, when my mom told me my breasts were more noticeable without the bra, I started wearing one, but I kept wearing the training bras until I was size B because I wanted to constrict my breasts. Then, I kept wearing the size B bras until I was size D...which I am now.


I love being called "he"! I feel so happy when that happens, and it feels like crap when people hear my voice or see my breasts and then apologize. They shouldn't apologize for making me happy! I don't like being called "she." I would rather be called "it" than she, but apparently that makes it worse for people than "he" does.
I want to tell you about one of my happiest moments. I went into my brother's preschool to help pick him up, and these little kids started fighting over whether I was male or female! It makes me happy, but unfortunately I can't say I'm male because it's a Baptist preshchool and the teachers already think I'm female.


I'm generally a happier person when I bind. I always wear jeans and a "hard" Tshirt (the kind people usually think of as low quality) due to sensory issues, and I think it's pretty male clothing. I also have my hair short, but sometimes haircutters take it upon themselves to make me look "feminine" and the mess it up. I HATE it when they do that.


Unfortunately, that's very hard for me because my mom refuses to find me a gender therapist. I've been diagnosed with GID...but that was by a graduate student (although another psychologist tried to diagnose me with it before my mom took me away from him--and now I might go back to him) and apparently the people at the counseling center are required to give diagnoses to everyone because of insurance reasons...blegh!


I guess my problem is...I already feel like I know I'm male. But my mom refuses to believe it, and it makes me second-guess myself. When I talk to her about feeling male, she gets mad at me. She refuses to find me a gender therapist or to pay for hormones or any of it. She refuses to refer to me as "he." And she insists that I'm female, or that I'm genderless (which I feel a lot closer to than female). My dad is more accepting, although I'm not sure if he fully believes it. But I don't live with my dad; I live with my mom. I'm probably going to be living with her for a long time, too. I guess I just feel like I need to validate my feelings, since my mom won't believe me.

Oops! I forgot to add--I truly do hate my periods. Part of this is because I have particularly bad ones, and part of it is because it makes it even harder than normal for me to masturbate (it's hard when I don't have a penis), but part of it is because it just reminds me of my stupid female body. It reminds other people of it, too.

I know this is probably a tiny little issue that might not matter much to you in the big picture of gender related issues, but it was a big one for me, so I started cutting my own hair. If you think you could learn and/or your mom wouldn't kill you if you messed it up a little, I think you should try cutting your hair yourself. Depending on how short you want it, you might just need plain scissors. Obviously hair scissors are better, but don't bother spending more than about $15-$20 if you are going to get some. Watch some youtube videos of people cutting their hair and see if it looks like something you could manage.

I'm hoping to get some money for my birthday so I can get a binder.

My mom's usually pretty comfortable with me getting masculine haircuts--she even tells the haircutter people to cut it like a man's hair. I did, however, see a guide that shows which attributes of hair to change to make it look more male. Then again, this may be a problem since my hair's curly and I also like to get a streak of it professionally dyed blond so I can put awesome colors in it. I'm not sure what I should do...

I recently realized that I had about $50 more than I thought I had. I would have used it to buy a binder, but instead I bought a book and a statue of my god because I feel like it's more important...

I've heard curly hair is more difficult to work with. Thinning shears should work well with curly hair. Thinning shears are the bomb, I just bought some cheap ones at walmart, and they're great. Although they're making me really lazy in the technical skills.... lol, but yeah, it's kinda hard to screw up with thinning shears (as long as you manage to keep your fingers out of the blades lol).

I've gotten $45 so far and I don't get to open most of my presents til tomorrow, I think I'm really going to get it, I'm excited

My mom finally agreed to take me to a gender therapist! She still thinks it's an autism obsession (that I've had since elementary school... ), but she said she would call one today when I told her that a therapist would at least be able to help me sort out my feelings. I really, really hope she follows through...but if not, I officially have free reign to bug her until she does, since she said she would do it! I'm happy!