Spending all day in bed crying or sleeping

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I can definitely relate to feeling some forms of resentment or regret about how parents handled things. I was a typical 90s latchkey kid, I came home from school alone, got inside and was left to my own devices until my parents came home hours later. I didn't get a lot of time with them and I think this caused them to overlook my issues, all they did was get mad at why I was weird or constantly playing video games...but they would have known these things if they just paid attention to me instead of neglecting me. Throughout childhood and my teen years, I barely had them in my life either, I had to deal with every bad thing in my early life by myself, whereas most normal kids would get bullied and then get help from their parents, I had nobody to talk to after school, so I just went to bed and cried or listened to MP3s on my computer while playing video games.

And then your teen years go by so fast that you've very quickly missed the boat for stopping the effects of male puberty, then you're left struggling to shoe-horn your transition in your 20s, 30s or even later. I felt resentment toward my family for a long time because of this and I'd probably have become fully detached from them if they didn't suddenly support me when I came out (for probably the fourth time in my life) at age 21. It was just so annoying to only now be taken seriously and given attention, I think when they noticed I was starting my 20s off very poorly and depressed, that was their indication that something was "seriously" wrong with me, because I had left college once by then and had some failed jobs, so to my Baby Boomer parents, I guess they expected a Gen Y Millenial to be perfectly successful and adjusted in her early 20s, as if they still thought life was so simple as getting a well paying and secure factory job like you used to be able to do in the 60s and 70s.

Really, if it weren't my parents getting angry that I was a failure at age 21, I guess they'd never have taken me seriously and then decided to accept and help me. So their final acceptance makes it very difficult for me to be mad at them, but in some ways I still am, I still have vivid and realistic memories of my teen years, like I can relive things as if I've time traveled, only I can't interact and change the past. I feel like being stuck with these memories of my childhood and teen years is utter torture and yet I am forced to deal with them constantly, then when I just think I am making a breakthrough and moving on, I feel like I have to start all over.

Often during my teen years I would come home and cry and listen to the song "Outside" by Staind, because the lyrics seemed to almost perfectly describe how I felt as a trans teenager who couldn't get any help.

I listened to Outside by Stained. It's appropriate.

I haven't called my parents since before Thanksgiving. I just can't bring myself to do it. Between how I feel about being trans and them dealing with it, and my aspergers and them dealing with it, I just don't feel like I'm all that connected to them. I probably need to work on forgiveness, but it's hard, because I feel like I'm so f****d in my life and they could have done something about it, but didn't.

I get that they're human with their own problems, but that just puts them in the same container as everyone else, to be avoided.

The moment you start to really believe this, is the moment you've already lost the fight. In particular, you shouldnt believe someone who is intolerant of what you want. Someone biased will USUALLY give you that sort of answer.

I can absolutely guarantee you: If you continue to keep the extreme "there's no way I can do this" attitude, then you're right: You wont get what you want. Simply allowing your depression to eat you does not allow you to take strides towards your goal. It does not allow you to ever find a solution, because you're no longer very focused on finding one, and because you BELIEVE you're not going to find one. It's very, very difficult to successfully complete a task that you do not believe you can do. Why think that way and make it harder?



I have definite gender issues myself as well. I *really* want to be able to pass as a girl, if at all possible. Currently, I look like this: http://imgur.com/a/Mmpap. Those photos are not very good, due to my absolute and total incompetence with a camera, but still, they look a bit better than I actually do IRL. With me looking like that, I of course am referred to as "sir", just as you are. It's frustrating, but I know I'm at least alot closer than I used to be.... my appearance now is very different from how it used to be years ago. Back then, there wasnt any hint of feminine anything.... the difference really is very striking. And I used to think there was NO WAY I could ever possibly get close to what I wanted. But.... that was years ago. I've had many experiences since then, and learned many things. As a result of this, my appearance has changed dramatically. Now, even I can see at least some potential in my own appearance. Some others seem to notice it as well, as they will tell me so. And while I still am obviously male, I can now wear feminine things without looking bloody stupid. Years ago, wearing anything like that would have just gotten laughs out of people nearby. But now? Nobody laughs. Some will compliment, even, despite that I dont pass. I dont look perfect, good grief no, but the point is that I've come a long way from what I used to be.... and like you, I had thought it was IMPOSSIBLE. Turns out I was wrong. But I couldnt have managed ANY of that if I'd allowed depression to completely fry me.

I dont do hormones or any of that stuff either.

There's also a saying that I've always believed in: "We are all our own harshest critics". Your appearance may not be as bad at this stage as you think. Height for example.... there are plenty of quite tall girls out there. Being tall doesnt keep them from being girls. And not all girls are super-feminine... there are also those that have some masculine features to them. Again, this does not stop them from being girls. These things also dont stop them from having the potential to be pretty, as someone earlier in this thread said. As it is, I must say I'm now curious to see what you do look like, particularly when making an effort to appear feminine.

There's also the question of knowledge and similar things. Are you using makeup, for example? If so, what kinds, and just how much knowledge of the subject do you have? Have you sought out help on that subject? If so, where? Who have you sought assistance from, and how much did they know? And have you looked for assistance from MULTIPLE sources? And have you REALLY looked everywhere for things that might assist you in getting what you want? Hell, it turns out that rather near my location, there is a place.... a salon/shop/something.... that specifically specializes in this sort of thing, in making males look like females, and they're good at what they do. I'd not known this for the longest of times, not until recently, and only due to my stubborn searching did I find out such a thing. Despite seeing what they can do I havent gone there yet due to fear/paranoia, but that's an autism thing, not a lack-of-confidence thing. Going into a new town with lots of confusing places and people in it is hard for me to manage sometimes, but I'll manage it sooner or later. I at least still FOUND it though.... I could not have done so, if I'd given up. And, there's options out there that go even further than that. Facial feminization surgery, for instance, which I've likely spelled wrong. Another very recent discovery, though not something I personally would do, it at least exists as an option for those willing to go through with it. Surgery obviously is no fun and all, and is definitely sort of a "high-end" solution.... but if you're already in such a state of extreme depression and such, what have you got to lose?


My point is, that if you keep up the effort and refuse to give up.... you CAN find solutions even to difficult problems such as this. It's a huge world out there, and there's all sorts of different options and things, ways that you can get assistance, tools that you can use..... but if you simply allow dark moods to control you, all of this immediately becomes impossible unless you dispel it. If you try as hard as you can, and KEEP trying despite anything else... you might get what you seek.


In addition to that, for the depression, it helps if you find considerate, understanding people to talk with about it, and I dont mean just via slow-moving forum topics. Many such people exist on these forums, for instance. I'm more than willing to listen and try to help, if you'd like.... I've done it many times by now at this point on a variety of subjects that can cause this level of depression. And certainly there are others here in this place.... or in other places.... that will be good for that as well, helping to get you into a better state of mind so that you can work towards what you are after.


All in all.... you should never give up.


....and I apologize for the horrible text blobs. I generally have alot to say on this particular subject though, and then I start typing and sorta just keep going......

Because my mind is incapable of doublethink - I just can't believe in things that I know to be false by evidence.



You before hormones share a lot of similarities with what I look like *after* hormones. You have potential because you haven't gone through your options.



I've had others do my makeup before and I looked like a man in a dress despite them doing a good job.



FFS is really the last option I have. I need to look into it. If it doesn't work, I'm likely dead.

Severely depressed people such as me do have something to lose: more or longer suffering.



I was kicked out of the only local support group because I was crying the whole time at the meetings.

The thing about evidence, is that simply because it classifies as evidence..... doesnt actually make it in any way true. Particularly when it comes to something like this, an extremely wide issue with about a zillion variables. And I'd be interested to see where you got this evidence.... because I've seen plenty by this point that directly contradicts the "cant do it" idea that you're getting from it. I know alot of people... particularly autistics.... can have trouble with the "it's possible for evidence to be false, misleading, or outright lie" concept, but that concept is still true. And being on the Internet, well.... if you're on it enough, you've likely seen a damn near endless number of examples of this very concept proving itself to indeed be true. Again, this defeatist attitude is preventing you from going any further. It's not just a lack of options that's keeping you from your goal... YOU are also keeping you from your goal, by thinking like that.



If you are close to me in terms of appearance and such... then you're NOT out of options. It's been made apparent to me that, in my current state, I can be made to look like a girl, if I have the right assistance/tools/whatever. Note though, that I'm NOT talking about hormones as an option.... I mean, it can be done from my current state. If your appearance has similar qualities, regardless of wether it's before or after hormones, then there still remains plenty of options for you. But they aint gonna just come to you.... you need to go find them.




Search for different people that can do it, then. Not everyone has the same level of skill, and an assumption that they "did a good job" may in fact be false. Seek someone better at it. Ask different people for help, once you find some more, and see what different results you get from each one. Considering the sheer absurd number of people out there that will have knowledge and skill with makeup and such, it makes little sense to discontinue the search.




My point still stands though. Think about it like this: If you continue in your current way, allowing this dark mood to continue, you have a 100% chance of failure, guaranteed, and the dark mood will not relent. But if you KEEP TRYING, it is NOT a 100% chance of failure. And again, this mood and attitude is likely leading to ALOT of false assumptions. It's very likely that there are way more options that you think.... but you're not going to find them by just giving in to the depression all the time. Doing that will PREVENT you from finding them.





.....then that is a TERRIBLE support group. Just..... what. Seek out one that doesnt suck totally and completely. I've met up with a couple of bad ones (related to the autism stuff) but they werent even close to being THAT bad. What kind of dolt runs a support group but then allows THAT to happen?

I didnt just mean support groups though. Try to meet someone that can relate to the issue a bit. Someone you can talk to who has some understanding and knowledge, and may be able to help. It doesnt take a full support group to accomplish finding such a person, though a support group is supposed to help in theory.... the idea of such a BAD one as that though is just..... yikes.