Genderqueer or just gay

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I feel very uncomfortable with the idea of being in a heterosexual relationship. I don't know if it's because I'm uncomfortable being with a man or uncomfortable being the woman.

I feel uncomfortable with the way people see me. People seem to be too soft and patronizing with me. Especially guys who flirt with me. I always feel like they're interacting with a very inaccurate mental projection.

It just makes me feel very disoriented and kind of sick to my stomach. I'm not much of a chameleon, but I start to act like my mental projection. I hate when I do that.

I also have a below average attraction to guys. Don't know if that means I have a bit of attraction or I'm simply not attracted to them. Things would be so easy if I could just be gay.

When I read about straight relationships I find it hard to believe I'm supposed to be the girl. It feels even more surreal when people give me dating advice meant for girls.

When I was a kid I had a phobia of being mistaken for male. I refused to cut my hair and only wore dresses to avoid being mistaken for male. I thought that if I had shorter hair or wore pants all my femininity would disappear.

If you'd rather kiss a girl, you're gay.

If you'd rather kiss a guy, you're straight.

You'll find clarity in your sexuality once you really start dating, I believe.

Each of the things listed below is a distinct attribute of a person. Each exists on its own spectrum. While they often seem to align for most people, they don't necessarily have to. The mix of all of them in a beautiful aggregate is what makes us individuals & when that mix doesn't match what we were taught as "correct", it causes stress and sometimes harmful adaptations, defensive blocks, and so on.

So, it's best to honestly identify where you are on each spectrum, accept it and see where it leads you. Keep in mind that over time, your own interpretation of where you are on each spectrum may change: that's a good thing! It shows you are getting to know yourself better, maturing and often, splitting some attribute into several sub-spectra that you previously assumed were only one. Oh, and "null" or "none" is a perfectly valid value on any of the spectra, too!

Self:
Internal gender identity - "Do I internally identify as a man, woman, both or neither?"
Internal body identity - "Does my body feel like it should be male, female, both or neither?"
External body shape - "Is my body shaped male, female, both or neither?"
Social gender appearance - "Am I most comfortable appearing as a man, woman, both or neither?"
Social gender role - "Am I most comfortable being treated as a man, woman, both or neither?"
Social gender identity - "Do I want people to recognize me as a man, woman, both or neither?"

Now we have a baseline; next up is sex & romance. Who we like or want...

Identity - "Am I attracted to someone who identifies as a man, woman, both or neither?"
Body - "Am I attracted to someone who has the body parts of a man, woman, both or neither?"
Social gender appearance - "Do I find most attractive someone who looks like a man, woman, both or neither?"
Social gender role - "Am I attracted to someone who acts like a man, woman, both or neither?"
Social gender identity - "Am I attracted to someone who moves through the world socially as man, woman, both or neither?"

I know, that's a lot of little details. But it can be fun to see just where you fall on each. Something that will help with the "attraction" questions; do a Google image search for the following extremes:
"butch woman"
"feminine woman"
"masculine man"
"feminine man"
"androgyny"

Yeah, you probably know already what each *is*, but when you look at the page of images...which ones induce a feeling of "I want them"? Which ones induce a feeling of, "I want to *be* them"? Above all, don't worry about labeling yourself (unless you find one that is a really good fit and makes you happy). For the most part, they have been designated by researchers in main part of a bell curve to describe those people they don't quite understand...

Self:
Internal gender identity - "Do I internally identify as a man, woman, both or neither?" Woman
Internal body identity - "Does my body feel like it should be male, female, both or neither?" Woman
External body shape - "Is my body shaped male, female, both or neither?"
Woman
Social gender appearance - "Am I most comfortable appearing as a man, woman, both or neither?"
Woman
Social gender role - "Am I most comfortable being treated as a man, woman, both or neither?"
Neither
Social gender identity - "Do I want people to recognize me as a man, woman, both or neither?"
Woman

I'm in a tough spot. I mostly identify as a woman, but I really hate being treated like one. Since I really look like one people can't help but treat me like one. I have no idea how to make people treat me like neither gender. It's kind of cool occasionally being treated like a man on the Internet. I also really enjoyed it when people were confused about what gender I am.

For some reason, I and a few other guys I've talked to on here seem to get along better with gay/bi girls. While this would make almost no sense in an NT context, it's just good in general knowing people I can communicate with. You can't be the only one here who never latched onto the usual sexist grammar etiquette, I know I didn't - on the plus side that's as close as any human will ever get to political correctness. I'm frequently too bored to care what gender norms people ascribe to me anyway, unless I know they're wrong.

I wonder why you get along better with them. I know it's probably not the case with you, but I feel fetishized when guys say they get along better with gay/bi girls.
Unfortunately I'm very sensitive to the way people treat and perceive me. It's not as simple as "not caring what people" think. It really messes with the way I perceive myself and act.

Honestly I think most it comes down to happenstance... for a while a few years back I felt fetishized for being geeky, later I realized that's probably the goal of my existence. Seems ridiculous but that's almost become a cliché.

For a while I thought that's all it was but there has to be some conscious influence on my part, even if it's just demeanor and perhaps my weird style choices causing them to overlook my shyness. That and I already had a tough enough time meeting anybody strange enough for me to coexist with, so I figured I shouldn't be picky about all that gender noise. I know some yardstick-straight girls but the ones I'm closer to almost invariably date girls as well, or complain about being frequently mistaken for lesbians, to which I respond; ditto?!

A lot of people believe reality is comprised of nothing but perception so it makes sense that you might be reflexive about other humans. I wish I knew of a way of decision making without factoring that in...

Thank you, that really helps. What you describe makes a lot of sense to me, actually. It's pretty rare to find or carve out social gender roles in our culture that are not condescending toward women. I've known a few who simply don't buy into any of it, though, and they were wonderful role models. They were typically considered alternative in some way...but not purposely so. They didn't fit into any brand or category. They simply did what they wanted without harming or bothering anyone else. The ones who seemed happiest were alternative simply because they really didn't care how an ideal "woman" was expected to look or act. No makeup, practical/comfortable hair and clothing. Neutral or friendly, never coy or flirtatious; that just wasn't who they were. And interestingly enough, people reacted to their social gender appearance by treating them with respect, as...people. Instead of some sort of fetish, as you so aptly put it, their gender role was simply, "human" (or NULL/ALL if you must categorize it).

^That's what I like to see. I guess I also forgot to mention I find it difficult to read the expressions of anyone in makeup unless it's pretty minimal.

The issue I have is that I actually enjoy wearing makeup and interesting clothes. I don't think I do it in a mainstream way, but I don't think it's fair that I get put into the "woman" category just because I wear makeup. I just dyed my hair blue to look more alternative. I'm hoping that will move me away from the traditional woman box.

That's why I like to wear makeup. I think it somewhat conceals my faulty facial expressions.

I normally do that with hippie hair + glasses, or I just use really comical expressions unless I'm really spent for some reason. I wish I were more of a 'black box' than I am but I'm not trying to scare anybody. I tend to look pensive or serious but as far as people I actually feel like expressing anything to are concerned I'm all smiles.

As long as you are doing it for *you*, so you appear to others the way you feel most comfortable, that is what matters most. Toughest thing for me was figuring out what that "traditional woman box" looks like*, much less fitting into it. The way I see it now, though, is that only some women do fit into it & that's because they want to. They like the "safety" of it. People who encounter them pick up on that and reflect it back to them. Other women are just themselves and people reflect that back to them, too...

*see my earlier "condescending to women" comment about social gender roles...

Quote:
Self:
Internal gender identity - "Do I internally identify as a man, woman, both or neither?"
Internal body identity - "Does my body feel like it should be male, female, both or neither?"
External body shape - "Is my body shaped male, female, both or neither?"
Social gender appearance - "Am I most comfortable appearing as a man, woman, both or neither?"
Social gender role - "Am I most comfortable being treated as a man, woman, both or neither?"
Social gender identity - "Do I want people to recognize me as a man, woman, both or neither?"

Now we have a baseline; next up is sex & romance. Who we like or want...

Identity - "Am I attracted to someone who identifies as a man, woman, both or neither?"
Body - "Am I attracted to someone who has the body parts of a man, woman, both or neither?"
Social gender appearance - "Do I find most attractive someone who looks like a man, woman, both or neither?"
Social gender role - "Am I attracted to someone who acts like a man, woman, both or neither?"
Social gender identity - "Am I attracted to someone who moves through the world socially as man, woman, both or neither?"

I know, that's a lot of little details. But it can be fun to see just where you fall on each. Something that will help with the "attraction" questions; do a Google image search for the following extremes:
"butch woman"
"feminine woman"
"masculine man"
"feminine man"
"androgyny"


My personal picks:
Internal gender identity - Both
Internal body identity - Mostly Male
External body shape - Male (pryor to the onset of my gynecomastia)
Social gender appearance - Both
Social gender role - Both
Social gender identity - Both

Now we have a baseline; next up is sex & romance. Who we like or want...

Identity - Male or Both
Body - Male
Social gender appearance - Both
Social gender role - Both
Social gender identity - Either

Result for me:
"androgynous AC/DC"

It sounds to me like you might be demi-girl. Although while I'm here I might throw a thing together for kicks and giggles

Internal gender identity - "Do I internally identify as a man, woman, both or neither?" Both and neither
Internal body identity - "Does my body feel like it should be male, female, both or neither?" Neither
External body shape - "Is my body shaped male, female, both or neither?" probably female
Social gender appearance - "Am I most comfortable appearing as a man, woman, both or neither?" partial masculine/androgynous
Social gender role - "Am I most comfortable being treated as a man, woman, both or neither?" Neither
Social gender identity - "Do I want people to recognize me as a man, woman, both or neither?" Definitely neither

I've totally lost my mind xD

It's pretty clear that each of those attributes exists on its own spectrum, with both/neither in the middle. In aggregate, over a population the curve is a dumbbell (or, two overlapping curves, one for "male" the other for "female"). If there were not people who chart out as both/neither I'd have to call the whole thing suspect...

You are perfect.