Help me, please?

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Hi,

I've got an issue that I wanted to ask if you could weigh in on - I realize I'm a new forum member and that starting this type of thread seems a little like walking in your door and strewing my emotional baggage across your room, but I'll try and be as concise as possible.

The basics: I am a girl, in college, just diagnosed with Asperger's. I'm high functioning and am pretty good at masking my Aspie traits. That isn't to say I'm socially smooth, but I'm not painfully awkward.

The issue: Up until now, I've considered myself to be straight. Now, though, I feel like I don't know. As an aspie, I have trouble with developing close friendships, but I've always had a pattern where I pick one acquaintance or friend (always female) and feel intensely devoted to her. I've read that many aspie girls feel like they can only handle one friend at a time, so I thought that's all it was.

There's a particular girl I've met this year who I feel like I can connect with - despite being different personalities, we seem to click.

That's all good and well, but for some reason I really, really want to kiss this particular girl. I've felt this way about a few girls in the recent past, but that was usually pretty transient. I think about this girl constantly. I've asked myself honestly - if this girl told me she felt about me the way I did about her, would I be willing to start a relationship with her? I would. Would I pick her over any of the guys I'm talking to right now? Yup.

And here is where things get muddled: in the midst of my confusion, I looked on a well-known blog written by a woman who helps other women sharpen their gaydar (of which I seem to have none). I read the telltale "signs" she listed and realized I do just about all of them. Hooking my thumbs in my pockets. The up-nod greeting (which said blogger claims is exclusive to homosexuals - and which said girl also uses in greeting me). And the so-called "dyke smirk," which looks like one of my stock facial expressions (and which this girl does too).

Granted, I look straight. Said girl has edgy style and short hair (not butch). Guys ALWAYS interested, but she must have insanely high standards because they all seem to be a nuisance. She's qualified this assertion with saying she wasn't lesbian or anything.

Quick back-story on me: I dated guys in high school, but I felt (and parents later said they observed) a lack of any real emotional connection, which I attributed to my aspie difficulty with emotions. My parents seem to like dropping hints that they think I'm gay quite frequently - have said I'm straight but they remain dubious. (They are conservative and seem to have quite the dislike of homosexuality).

My question: What do you think? The jury's out on my orientation at present, and thoughts would be appreciated. (Am I just blurring lines of friendship because of my poor social skill? Or something else?)

And any thoughts on said girl? I know you can't get anything definite from a posting online. And side note: I'm not planning on telling her how I feel - I really, really, really don't want to lose her as a friend.

Well, props to you for wading through my stream of late-teenage angst. I really appreciate your hearing me out. Even this is a weight off my chest.

Cheers,
Effie

These things to not indicate one's sexuality. I used to hook my thumbs in my pocket because it was a convenient place to put them, and I frequently greet people with the up nod, and I'm straight.



I generally take people's word on their sexuality.



A large number of people with AS, male and female both, are primarily asexual. That's not to say they have no interests in dating and so on, but they simply don't find themselves attracted to most people and don't form close connections in a romantic way very easily. It does not mean they are gay.



I think you are a straight, fairly typical female with AS, and I think you should take this girl's word if she says she is straight.

I'd take those listed 'gay' mannerisms with a grain of sand. Im not sure i know enough about your circumstances to advise, but if there's some way to find if this person feel similar, i dont think you'd have anything to loose in proceeding and seeing what happens. If you could discuss things with her i think it would be important to make sure she understands you just aren't sure, so if she has feelings for you she isnt completely invested, understanding that you are 'just' exploring.

No labels

even more so cus you're in college!

...kissing a girl these days doesn't make you gay. Same for guys.

celebrate your sisterhood!
Get drunk if it helps.

Thanks everyone! I appreciate it.

Effie

Jeepers, I'm a lesbian!!
Wait, I'm a dude...

Having met a number of lesbians in my university days, I can tell you this list is nonsense. They ranged from the butch to the feminine, and had pretty much no common features beyond being girls that like girls. This list also fits me, and I'm a guy that likes guys, which could be interpreted either way.

First off, I wouldn't pay no mind to that blog you referenced. I've had the same characteristics that you described. Oh no, I'm a lesbian... Really disregard that so called expert blogger.

Um, you seem normal. Just you may be kinda intensely interested in certain subject areas.

Then again you could be gay. Do you prefer to think about women or men when you masterbate?

If you're gay you're gay, who cares. I mean, don;t get so hung up on it, just go with what you feel.

Personally im a lot asexual in what i find attractive. I've only ever been attracted to girls but i don't think being attracted to a guy would be so strange, if the personality is right then the personality is right. Forget about the gay/ straight thing and just be attracted to the people you're attracted to. And if it doesn't wok out, you experimented in college right? You're trying to work yourself out at this point, go with the flow.

The only person who knows your sexual orientation is you. You can look to others to help you make sense of your feelings, certainly. But at the end of the day, it is you who will decide who you are attracted to, and who you are not.

Frankly, it doesn't matter whether you are able to hang a label on your sexuality. What matters is that you have the opportunity to develop the social skills to establish relationships with the people to whom you are attracted, and to learn from those relationships until you are ready to enter into a long-term, committed relationship.

If you decide that the risk-reward balance of trying for a romantic relationship with a friend is too much risk for too little reward, then by all means, don't risk what you have. But by all means make her your confidant as you negotiate the problems of developing romantic relationships with others.

Personally, I say go with what your body's telling you right now. Well, you say, what if your body changes it's mind and things get horribly awkward horribly fast? It's a risk, yeah, but what you're looking at right now is the choice between going for it regardless of the risk or letting this issue eat away at your brain until it drives you absolutely bonkers (gonna assume with all the talking you've already done on the subject your brain is already driving you nuts trying to figure this out). Let me just say from experience that it doesn't really work out like that. It is near impossible to work things out in your head.

Two, forget the damn labels. I really hate labels. They have their upsides, yes. Most of us here probably get what it feels like to finally be able to say "s**t, that's me!" after years of wondering why we aren't like other people. But the trouble with labels in 99% of all situations is that they cause just as many problems as they fix. Chances are, there is not a box out there that you perfectly fit in except for the one that has your name on it. In other words, labels can help us understand various aspects of ourselves, but socially they're about as useful as a color coordination system. No two people with the same label are truly alike, and that leads to tons of crazy label drama.

Three, are you aware that there's more out there than "gay, straight, bi?" I swear to god, I'm not trying to be a condescending label-harpy, but I honestly thing it's something that a lot of people don't realize when they're in the "questioning" stage. Don't think that if you're gay, you should be ogling boobs upteen times a day and dreaming about va-jay-jay. Or that if you're straight you should be constantly swooning over sixpacks and suggestive bulges. Your sexuality probably isn't going to be as obvious as that. It doesn't have to be an all-encompassing part of your existence. In other words, if you run around staring at people of all genders (or naked pics, or moving naked pics), you may not get the easy answer you're expecting.

The thing about sexuality is that it's not an easy topic to understand. You grow up being told you're going to be straight. And for 90% of the population it's as simple and easy as that. You don't have any reason to doubt it until, whoops, maybe you're not and now things aren't so simple and easy. People like to think that it's easy, that you have a sexy dream about your teacher or you fall in love with your best friend and just know, but for a lot of us that's simply not how it works. There's this expectation that people place on you, that you have of yourself most importantly, and when you start having to question that it's not easy. In fact, it's frequently confusing as hell, much as you're finding out.

There are no clear answers. There are more options out there than "gay, straight, bi." What I mean by that is, don't try to fit yourself into the box. If it turns out you're attracted to this one girl, that doesn't automatically make you gay or bi. If you're attracted to guys, it doesn't automatically make you straight.

I'm not saying ignore the labels completely, because they could be great guidance tools for you. Personally, I'm kind of fond of the romantic/sexual understanding of sexuality. (Homo/hetero/bi-romantic + Homo/hetero/bisexual, and all combination therein.) This might actually help you. You could be physically attracted to guys and girls, but more likely to form romantic attachments to girls. (Bisexual Homoromantic) Likewise, your friend might be attracted only to guys, but find herself only able to form close relationships with girls, hence why she seems to brush guys off while still calling herself straight.

But that's what I'm saying: Don't get caught up in what your culture has taught you about sexuality. Don't think that being gay/straight/bi makes you a KIND of person. It doesn't make you a KIND of person any more than your Asperger's does. Sure, Aspies have stuff in common, but we're all different people and our AS affects our daily lives in different ways. If you body-swapped with another female Aspie your age, chances are the experience would be radically different from your own. It's the same with sexuality. It's not a cookie-cutter deal. It's not the same for everyone.

It's just... gah! The things I wish somebody could have told me when I was figuring this s**t out for myself.

Anyway, I hope some of this has helped. Just to add a little personal note, your story sounds REALLY similar to mine. I just got diagnosed, I'm not horribly socially awkward, I'm not that great at actually forming relationships, my parents and friends kept asking if I was gay all through high school (despite a pretty feminine outward appearance), but especially that bit about how you get one female friend and feel "intensely devoted to her." Man, I get that. I really do. I've been that way for as long as I can remember. In fact, I can't really define my life in terms of "1st grade, 4th grade" so on, I divide it into "when I was friends with X, when I was friends with Y" and so on.

And I completely get what you mean when you talk about the girl you've "clicked" with. My best friend for my last years in high school was just like that. We weren't a lot alike but somehow, just out of nowhere, we were thick as thieves and I just felt so innately comfortable around her, which is a huge deal when you're not very good at connecting with others (as you probably know). Spending ridiculous amounts of time with her was somehow so weirdly natural, and we never seemed to get on each other's nerves. EVER. In like, a creepy unnatural way. It was the easiest and most perfect relationship of any kind that I've ever been in.

But my story ends kind of differently from yours. She had some serious self-esteem issues that she dealt with by putting me down in front of guys she liked in order to feel better about herself. I'm not talking like little things. This turned into a huge, major issue after months (literally months) of me and my stupid Aspie obliviousness completely missing the little stuff. (It was incredibly crappy. I didn't even realize what was going on until I noticed I was feeling bad every time she left. Then after studying my unusual feelings for hours, I finally figured out what she was doing. But I didn't believe it because "friends don't do that, so it must all be in my head." Then I asked my mom. And my other friend. And complete strangers. Guess what? It was INCREDIBLY f*****g OBVIOUS to everyone but me. Strangers knew.) So, yeah. Stopped being friends with her.

It wasn't until two years after that that I started identifying as gay (again with the labels, it's not a perfect fit, I just don't intend on dating guys anymore), but I look back a lot now and wonder how I made it to 19 without figuring out I liked girls. Because you think it's supposed to be easy. You think you're supposed to hit puberty and just know. Sometimes I wonder if maybe what I felt for that girl was an actual crush, and I was just being too sexually repressed or whatever to notice I was actually attracted to her. Or being too Aspie-alexithymia, not-understading-my-own-emotions.

One last piece of advice: If I were you, I'd think about doing other things than kissing. No, I don't mean sexy-fun-times, I mean like other expressions of physical affection. I'm not really a physical person, so if you are this might be less telling for you, but think about things like how you'd feel hugging her and such. Just having physical contact with her WITH clothes. That was what finally made me break down and decide I liked girls. Specifically, I want that cheesy movie scene where the two girls are lying on a bed like, four inches apart, looking at one another, fully clothed and just smiling until one kisses the other! (I probably wouldn't be able to actually do it because of eye-contact issues making it awkward as hell, but I dream... It's good to have goals.) But just imagine stuff like that, and if you want that as bad as you want to kiss her, chances are you're pretty darn attracted to her in a way that makes you attracted to at least one female.

Anyway, just my thoughts. If I haven't bored you to death already or you just want to ask some other stuff, feel free to PM me!