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Joined: 12 Oct 2011
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 17
Location: Virginia Beach, Virginia

18 Nov 2011, 1:23 pm

So I've been wondering what the hell is up with me and dating lately.
Despite the fact that the nature of having AS keeps me severly introverted and socially restricted, I want a girlfriend to love and to love and accept me in return, as well as be an active and supportive figure in my daughter's life.


I haven't had a significant relationship since I was 19 (I'll be 24 on monday) and I'm becoming convinced that having AS is the reason I have so many problems, whatever those problems might actually be. I also had this problem when I was in the closet and dating boys in school. People just don't like or fall for me.

Now granted, I fell in love with a girl when I was 19 and we've been off and on in a rather destructive fashion ever since. But I WANT to move on. I haven't because a.) it's comfortable(she is the only one to put up with my aspie quirks) b.) we're *supposed* to be raising "our" daughter together (Her donor does most of the "daddy" work instead) and c.) every time I do meet someone and try to get to know them it never. ever. goes. anywhere. Ever.

I know that having a kid or kids from a previous relationship is a huge turn off/obstacle for straight, neurotypical people. So I totally understand that having a kid greatly reduces my dateablity as a lesbian and as a lesbian who has just figured out they have AS. But I don't want anyone that can't love my daughter like they love me, so that doesn't really bother me all that much. My ex-gf doesn't live with me(though she visits almost every day) and she doesn't really have any involvement with "our" daughter so it's not like she has a huge impact on things, she no longer loves me and we're a strange kind of friends and we're cool with that.

What does bother me is, having a kid aside, the fact that I can't figure out what ELSE I'm doing wrong. Because I must be doing something wrong. I'm sure I'm not the only person with AS to use the internet to meet potential romantic interests and I know I'm definatly not the first gay person to use the internet for the same reasons, so it just goes to say that that is my sole method for meeting other women. This too, despite being more comfortable for me as I look less weird via forms of writing and text, is frought with problems.

I know some basic social "rules" for dating (ok, two) like not talking about your ex or your bad relationship experiences (I tell people I have a child with an ex and leave it at that) and I know not to talk people to death about my special interest- the Black Dahlia murder, because it might be misinterpreted as deviant (which I'm sure I'll write a post about once I find out where to put it) and I've been extremely mindful about not doing either of these things. So I've got to be doing something else wrong.

On the exceedingly rare chance that someone does send me a message and seems like they might want to get to know (sometimes they even say something to the tune of "You seem really interesting and I'd really like to get to know you more") me and I reply back (usually just answering questions or telling them basic stuff like where I go to school, what I study, where I live etc. (things they've asked)) that's the end of it. There is never a response back. The first couple of times, I tried to write it off and chalk it up to issues with them rather than me... but then the pattern has continued for four years. I've gone on one date in the past..... 3 or so years(I briefly tried the "one night stand" route at the beginning of this four year period, for some reason casual sex was easier for me than emotional attachments as strange and backasswards as it seems... I was also 20 and naive) and it was good, we hit it off, or so it seemed. She asked for a second date, I said yes and then again, it was dead in the water and I never heard from her again and thus the pattern has continued.

Am I doomed? Advice?

"It is a riddle, wrapped up in a mystery, inside an enigma"
"The boy on the blue moon dreams of sun"

Blue Jay
Blue Jay

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Joined: 7 Jun 2011
Age: 42
Gender: Female
Posts: 97
Location: Hampshire, England, UK

18 Nov 2011, 6:42 pm

I wish i could give you some advice! So I'll wait to see who else comments! :-D

Your Aspie score: 123 of 200. Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 86 of 200. You are very likely an Aspie


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Joined: 16 Nov 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 15

23 Nov 2011, 7:38 am

I can't answer your particular questions, mostly because I'm in a similar situation myself. However, I don't think you are doomed. We all have baggage, and we all have things that isolate us from other people. After a break-up, it's hard to find someone else who accepts who you are.

From my experience, it's important to let the other person know how you feel about her as well.