Help...I might be attractive.

Post Reply New Topic

I post this here because I feel more male than female (I am biologically female)--or at least, I think I do. I'm still working that out in therapy, and I might be genderfuid, or androgynous, or a transman...or it might just be an "autistic obsession." I don't think it's that last one, but that's part of why I'm trying to work it out!

When I was younger, adults used to always see my female body and tell me I should be a model. It made me feel like crap and want to destroy this stupid body. When I was sixteen, I gained about 70lb from a horrible medicine I took. My breasts grew to size D, making it even harder for me to fit in a binder. I can't even wear one any more because it gives me chest pains and makes it difficult for me to breathe enough to play my trombone. I hated the extra weight because of sensory problems, but I was able to call myself ugly and feel good about it. See, I don't want to be seen as attractive in my female body.

Recently, I lost a LOT of weight, and strange things have been happening, although I was able to brush them off. One person told me I wasn't ugly and almost considered having sex with me until I showed him my gloriously hairy legs and he ran away and had a mini panic attack (turns out he was straight! Later, this one person became sexually attracted to me and sort of harassed me, but he claimed my body was attrative. Then, ANOTHER thing happened--this one acquaintance of mine told me that I "might actually be attractive if it weren't for that acne," which caused me to decide not to start washing my face. It's actually been bothering me since my acne is hurting me and I really want to get rid of it, but I don't want to be pretty.

Here's the thing--I can ignore it when adults call me "pretty" because they're old and they don't know what they're talking about. (I don't know how to word that any nicelier! ) Even the first two guys might be discounted because they're desparate (as am I, to an extent). BUT the other day a friend of mine called while I was just about to take a shower, so I jumped out and answered it, and...I had to see my naked body in the mirror. I almost didn't recognize it at first--it's a lot different than when it was overweight, or even before, since I hadn't finished puberty yet. If I discounted the head (which is somewhat masculine, especially with my awesome haircut) and the calves (which are covered in hair, that I've REFUSED to shave off since forever) it was sort of...pretty.

Other people can't see this part of my body because of my clothing. I've always wanted clothes to be a bit big on me for sensory reasons, but now that I've lost so much weight they're HUGE. It really does make a difference, and I kind of like that difference. I also have my acne, and my hairy legs, and my manly haircut, but I could change all of that. I could be "pretty" if I wanted to! That makes me feel horrible, but I'm also constantly aroused, and if I let my body be "pretty" I might be able to actually have SEX for the first time in years!

Even if I do get on testosterone, that won't be for a long time, and it will be even longer before I could get surgery--if ever. Girls don't generally like me (I'm INSANE), and most straight girls are already picky enough...gay guys are usually more accepting, but there aren't very many, and they're sometimes pretty picky, too. The straight guys, on the other hand, are more likely to put up with me, and somehow none of my male friends want to see me as a guy anyway. Lesbians seem to be fairly accepting as well, and actually letting the body be attractive might not hurt. (I'm bisexual, in case anyone's confused...)

On the other hand, I don't want to be seen as a girl, treated as a girl, or lumped in with that whole category of "girls"! Even worse, there are some "adult" issues that are very upsetting, physically and emotionally. My hormones already confuse me enough--whenever I ovulate, I feel more feminine, and for a while when I'm on my period I also feel sort of feminine. I never had to deal with this particular crap before because I was on Seasonique since I was eleven to get rid of my horrible periods that cause vomiting, terrible cramps, and bloody underwear. I don't want to confuse myself more than I need to!

Summary: If I let my body be attractive, my pimples wouldn't hurt, I'd be more likely to have sex, and I might even get to be somebody's embarassing Autistic girlfriend for a while and see what a real relationship is like; on the other hand, I hate being seen/treated as female, I hate looking female, I don't want to confuse myself or others, and I'm not sure how "right" it would feel, especially since it's taken me years to get my leg hair this long (some are pushing two inches!)

What do you suggest?

well, if you wanna be a boy, be a boy. it'll help if you dress like one though, you didn't actually say you did that.

those huge... assets... might be a problem though. but so long as you act the part, no one will care; just assert the fact you prefer to be called a boy. I'd also say you should get rid of the acne, as that is not pretty.

now, I know that you don't want to be pretty, but I'm assuming that's because you associate that with being feminine; just be pretty in a masculine kind of way.

if you want to begin hormone therapy... I'd suggest that you have a long, hard think about it. I'd weigh up your options, the pros, the cons, what will happen in the short and long term. and if you still want to, go on it as soon as possible, I don't know how old you are, but I'm pretty sure hormone therapy works better the younger you are, and in this case it should help you to get you a more masculine body image.

as for your love life, you may be restricted to very open minded straight guys, most lesbians should like you as most of the butch ones are pretty manly. bi-sexual guys and girls will go for you as well, depending on their tastes.

as with the problems with your ovulating, if you want those to go, speak with a doctor, see what their opinion on it is. most likely birth control.

my advice... man up.

I am pretty new to these forums and to the autist/aspie world in general, so take this for what it's worth:

I feel like you haven't supplied enough information in your post. The omission that I think is most relevant is that I think you need to say *why* you don't want to be pretty. I suspect that it's due to a sort of non-conformism, or because you want to "take yourself out of the game": if you're ugly you won't have to deal with the whole dating thing, won't even need to actively avoid it, won't have to think of who and what you're attracted to, if at all, and how to define yourself. Which is easy, but it feels like a cop-out. It seems kind of silly to want to be ugly just in order to avoid having to deal with the repercussions of being good-looking.

I think once you're clear on whether you actually want to be ugly or not, then you can try to decide what you actually are, what you feel like, who you're attracted to, and how to respond to all that attention, which you didn't ask for and seem uncomfortable with. But the way you're trying to avoid it seems like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. If you want to post again and maybe try to detail how that attention makes you feel and why you dislike it, it might give more information and allow to design a good course of action, and maybe find the right "frame of mind" to keep about these things.

Well, it's not non-conformism, and it's not to avoid dating...I'd actually be fine with dating people, if they were trustworthy. It's difficult to explain, and I attempted to in my beginning post, but it's because I often get this awful feeling when people see me as a female, and they're more likely to see me as a female if I look like a pretty one. The "attention" makes me feel like they see me as female, and except when my hormones are extremely out of whack, anything like that makes me feel bad.

The reason I'm even considering letting this body be "pretty" is because it is basically the only way for me to get to have sex or date people. Then again, I don't know how important dating is for me right now since I've realized that the things people usually do when they're dating each other are things I'd much rather do with my friends.

I'm also not sure if I'm actually a transman (in which case I must be seen as male to be happy), or somewhere in the middle, or just female. That makes things a lot more complicated for me.