Right. Male, Female, In between, BLAH!

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Disclaimer: I'm sober so I'm probably going to suck at getting what I wish to say out. XD

Right, I'm trying to figure out where in the heck my gender is on the spectrum, or if I just have a fetish with MtF transgender people, and all the issues surrounding it. (Sad part is I've done enough research to know all the stuff they use. Estrogen, Progesterone, testosterone blockers, etc. If I remember correctly.) I've done research into MtF stuff, although I don't think I'd feel quite...right(?) as a female, nor do I feel quite right as a male at the same time. I just...wish there was some way to combine male and female, since I envy (And yes, I believe that's the correct word) the female physique, more than an average male would, because an average guy would simply be "Oh my...she's sexy!" With me it's more of "She's sexy...but the curves, the facial structure, the beauty of the piece, why can't I look like that?" Or even the "transformation" pictures of MtF people I'm envious of. To the point I have 2 such pictures on my PC. Whereas with the male physique, it's just...bland. There's nothing that stands out to me that attracts me to want to be it such as I am. (Doesn't mean I'm not attracted to males, just means I'm not attracted to being one, which I am.)

I don't know, is it more of "I would like to combine the two genders to create one"? Or am I just crazy as all get out? XD

And another problem with the way my mind works, I want to experience everything I possibly can, I've experienced everything having to do with being male that I possibly can, and it's gotten...old(?), and I have no knowledge of a females body in the sense of being a female. There's that part of me as well that wants to experience life as a female, but technology such as it is, we cannot simply switch back and forth between genders, unfortunately.

So, am I crazy? XD

You could be ~Genderqueer~

You're not crazy... just human. Of course if we live long enough we could all ascend our humanity and go transhuman. I for one would love to have cybernetic implants and all that sci-fi stuff that it entails. But I read a lot of sci-fi. But I digress... You're not crazy, or at least you don't sound crazy to me.

I think I produce more testosterone in my body than most women do, but it's still a piddling amount to what men have. I've been curious about taking testosterone supplements so I can psychologically experience more of what a guy experiences, but I won't do it at the moment because I'd mess up my female body. I have a partner who is a straight male who wouldn't be attracted to me if I got really hairy on my body (and less hairy on my scalp) and had a mannish voice.

I thought maybe I could give it a go when I'm post-menopausal, but then I'd be a very weird, probably very horny, very masculine old woman (since I wouldn't have natural female hormones any more to counteract the testosterone.) I don't know if my curiosity about being like a guy is strong enough to overcome the social disapproval at any age - because it IS just curiosity, rather than something I feel like I need to do. I've also never been drawn to idea of looking like a guy, just the mental and social aspects of it.

As for gender - I don't really feel like I'm clearly male or female in my brain and that I just sort of got stuck with a female body due to accident of birth. I'd like to be a cyborg but in the present world I feel like I should just be a woman in order to make a point that femaleness needn't be this narrowly-defined thing.