AS - Trans MTF

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I am really alone. I am diagnosed AS, and I have been transitioning for years from MtF.

I have read a lot of posts on this forum and I see a misunderstanding by non-GID people.

First, this is what GID (Gender Identity Disorder) is like for me ...

1. I *knew* I was a girl at a young age, and sporadically, less-and-less frequently thereafter.

2. Somehow my personality was suppressed, and a new pseudo-personality was formed.

3. The pseudo-personality experienced "gender dysphoria" of the true personality leaking out, or trying to break free (shaving legs, putting on my mom's clothes, secret wishing to be female, etc)

4. The pseudo-personality thinks, "I am deviant. I need to hide this behavior".

5. Pseudo-personality erects barriers and entire thought processes in the brain to justify itself. It will literally die before it will release the true personality. It is so hard to break through. Pseudo has me lieing to myself, engaging in self-destructive behavior, striving to be a man and thinking about suicide, though, I cannot understand why I want to kill myself. I joined the Army because of pseudo. I would of never joined the Army.

6. Oh, how did I develop a fake, detrimental personality and not see it. I am now prisoner in my own mind.

7. Now it is get help or die.

8. After many years of lowering my T, then my original personality is free to express itself.

I have done the electrolysis and I have taken spiro for 11 years and estro sometimes. Full transition seems impossible because of AS.

I have met three other AS-GID people in real life and all are living in their birth gender.

I am a hybrid person now.

Is there anyone out there that actually transitioned Mtf with AS ? Thanks.

I'm mid transition myself but not finished.

I don't see my process in the same way that I think you do, which isn't to say that they're not the same or very similar. I have my own terminology, and I have a different set of eyes than you, but I digress.

I'm not done transitioning. I've got a ways to go, and I'm going through with it, or at least attempting to as far as my executive functioning allows me to.

If you want to, feel free to PM me.

Ja. I have problems with executive functioning as well, especially emotional dysregulation, which I think makes it hard to maintain motivation consistently over time.

Nevertheless, I am hugely dysphoric about my genitals, to where I think I am becoming more and more willing to sacrifice for SRS. I have several plans in mind, which include: Get a better paying job, or even a similar job and then raid my retirement accounts for the money; get a job at a company that covers it; flee to a state where I can get coverage--this is more of a last resort; let my retirement account build up more so I can take a hardship loan to cover the cost; fight my company for SRS; etc.

I'm executing a bit of the first two and the last one at the moment, but the process already seems overwhelming. I will start the last one by asking my therapist something along the lines of these questions:

1.) Why hasn't therapy helped with my gender dysphoria, and why in fact has my gender dysphoria gotten worse?

2.) What else is available for fixing the gender dysphoria?

3.) Should I seek another psychologist to help with the gender dysphoria, specifically?

I've never asked a series of questions like this directly. Basically, I'm angling to get to the point where he will say SRS is needed and then I can start the process from there. Perhaps first I will submit for a preauthorization and wait for the denial, then with the denial in hand (along with the reason) start going to our local company LGBT group and HR and start talking about this, with the documentation for necessity from my doctors.

It's worth a shot, I guess.

I presume this is an indirect approach to establish "medical necessity" by way of eliminating all other options of alleviating GD ?

I am not sure why this indirect approach is needed. I knew one trans-psychologist that would give SRS approval if you presented reasonably as female.

Are "medical necessity" and "approval" different ?

I still have my "wrong parts". They are so small though , so I cannot relate to the tremendous GD you feel. I just get visual distress if I look in the mirror at them. My ASD + mental dysfunctions + psychological trauma makes just walking around and being human a challenge.



Yes. A good plan.

I have Aetna HSA, and that would cover SRS, however, it is my contributions + employer contributions, so in a sense they don't cover it; they just let me spend my money the way I want.

I work for the U.S. federal government we are always hiring if you have a tech, medical, math, or science degree. It is a good employer for ASD people cause they let us work from home. I never see anyone "at work", and seldomly interact with anyone, and I can dress how I want. I am just saying this in case you decide to look for a new job with better medical coverage.

LoveNotHate,

Now that you mentioned it that way, considering that I had 3 psychiatric hospitalizations in the past year, would my therapist consider me stable enough to write such a letter? I may have to wait.

I wonder how much he would be willing to say that my gender dysphoria contributed and may have even been at the root of my destabilizations. If he's not willing to do that, I may want to see someone else.

I didn't want to be impertinent, but yeah, I was wondering if SRS is wise when you have such mental distress.

I can understand some distress of having the wrong parts. I can understand wanting to be with a man as a woman, and be distressed over that. However, having three psychiatric hospitalizations in a year about it seems too much. It seems like you some mental illness issue occurring ?



You might not even want to mention that.

You are not alone. I have been transitioning for NINE YEARS and lived through various stages of hell, so it has taken me a long , long time to be psychologically stable. Now I am working on the heal, and repair of myself.

When I first started nine years ago, I could not talk very well, except to say certain words, and twice they wanted to lock me up, because I would utter, "transgender", and then they would ask, "What does that mean?". I could not answer. Then they would say, "You feel trapped in a man's body?", and I would agree. Then I would say, "I want to die", and they would want to put me in the observation place for six days. One time I was taken by wheelchair to another hospital as I was catatonic.

One time the male doctor raised his voice to me, and I freaked out, and my left arm started uncontrollably shaking, because I was so conditioned to expect abuse from others that I lost control expecting to be hurt. That is when they put me on resperdal.

My whole life is mental illness problems. That is why I like reading your comments cause you remind me of myself.

A research doctor said I have "genetic defects" on a chromosome, but I don't remember what else he said about it. For some reason, I cannot transition smoothly like I read about online for trans people. There is just so much damage physically to my brain from ASD + wrong hormones , and trauma from growing up ASD+GD+Learning Disabilities+Low Self-Esteem.

I hope you get better.

Well, my first doctor seems to think the issue was a vague bipolar disorder NOS, but when I went for the 2nd opinion, the doctor there said my problem was ASD + gender dysphoria, with no sign of serious mental illness. He threw out the bipolar diagnosis. I actually agree with him on that and I refuse to go back to the first doctor, because she basically stuck the label on me without much regard for the context. The second doctor wrote that the distress I experienced was secondary to the gender dysphoria. I think this is important. Also, it looks like the 2nd hospitalization was unjustified, which was a case of huge anxiety resulting from akathisia, wrongly diagnosed, very wrongly disagnosed as "manic psychosis." He checked the full chart from that second hospitalization and said he could see nothing at all supporting manic psychosis in any of the nurse's notes, nothing in the group activities' notes, and that I was sleeping the first night. I'm pretty mad at my first doctor at this point.

I'm thinking that you probably should not have been placed on the Risperdal. And it looks like another case of an as*hole doctor ignoring people's psychosocial stressors, especially big ones like abuse.

What's GD?

Also, gender dysphoria can be expected to cause mental distress. You fix that by providing the person with the procedures they need. Generally, the distress associated with the gender dysphoria isn't resolved until the gender dysphoria itself is resolved. Waiting to eliminate all mental distress before the patient receives hormones and/or surgery pretty much ensures that the patient will never receive that treatment.

Also, I did find this in WPATH SOC v. 7 for criteria for surgery:

http://www.wpath.org/uploaded_files/140 ... ,%20V7.pdf

Considering that I am actually socializing a bit more over the past couple weeks or so (related to a greater sense of self-agency), that I'm able to go to work, that I am able to take care of my household needs, that I'm not off doing reckless things, etc., one could say that my mental health concerns are "well controlled."

Also, there's the fact that the doctor I saw for my second opinion says I have no "serious mental illness," such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia.

your bulleted history mirrors my own so perfectly that it is amusing to me.

the mask falls away faster and further the longer time goes along... and the pain fades with time. unfortunately for me... my ASD keeps me from maintaining employment and completing my transition successfully (surgically that is). something that beneficii is i am sure... quite familiar with after having read a -few- of her posts.

some tips i can offer that did help me though...

youtube!

you wouldn't believe how useful it is for make-up and hair style ... but you still need to actually practice the things they teach you.

if you can stand it, pluck your facial hair... if you have any. it works better than shaving... longer and looks better and you can get away with using less make-up. it is really painful and its not something that ive been able to handle but it does work very well.

therapy. therapy. therapy! this can not be stressed enough... even when you do not want to go... even when you do not feel like you will ever manage to complete your transition... therapy. our lives are filled with discrimination and hate even in the best of circumstances... and often our ASD and GD issues overlap and reinforce each other... and you can find yourself in a crushing depression faster than you'd have thought imaginable. hormones and transitioning help of course... but understand that like autism... GD is a lifelong condition... it is not something that will go away with a magic pill or surgery... and the lifetime of depression, discrimination, and anxiety that we face requires us to seek help when necessary.

find other local trans-gender aspies... not necessarily transsexual aspies, any gender variant friends will be a boon to you as they will better understand the struggles that you face. cisgender people are simply blind to what it is that we face... in much the same fashion that neuro-typical individuals are blind to what it is to be non-neurotypical.

anyways... im beginning to rant and i hope that some of this has at least been useful. best of wishes and all those social platitudes =3

I also work for the U.S. Federal Gov, and I have Aetna CDHP as my insurance. Unfortunately I don't get to work from home.

There are a lot of things I need to work on in order to pass. I have a fear of things in and around my eyes due to traumatic eye surgery when I was 3. I can sort of do Mascara. I cannot do eye liner with any success.

I just found out what my knee injury is. A large tear in my medial meniscus. Not something I can just let heal on its own, and I have to get surgery for that. Which postpones everything else I was going to spend money on.

I used to go to local Trans support groups, but I don't like them. I don't know of anyone locally who is trans and on the autistic spectrum although I do know of several who have other mental issues.

"I work for the U.S. federal government we are always hiring if you have a tech, medical, math, or science degree. It is a good employer for ASD people cause they let us work from home. I never see anyone "at work", and seldomly interact with anyone, and I can dress how I want. I am just saying this in case you decide to look for a new job with better medical coverage."

this is not always true. as my cryptography skills have not served to get me anything since having been outed as trans... and my being trans and ASD has if anything served as a barrier to finding employment in this regard.

Yeah, believe me when I say that I can understand.

I was fired and/or had to quit like seven prior jobs due to mental dysfunction because of mental gender dysphoria.

However, I was speaking specifically about where I work, at the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office.

Where I work, you can be fired for saying anything derogatory about any special class of people. They make that very clear. Any anti-gay remark is grounds for termination of employment. They do not appear to have any specific trans policy though, they do have you mark your ASD on your employment record, since ASD is a protected class of people under federal law.

Most of the people there have various forms of advanced education combined with law degrees, so as a group there is a lot of education and intelligence. My impression is that most of these people are too intelligent to expend mental energy in hating. Plus, they could easily lose their jobs if they discriminate.

Do you have a degree in technology ? You are implying you were in the U.S. military ? There is a cryptography area there. You look at crypto algorithms.

I was just pointing out to "Benecii" that we are hiring frequently and need tech people. It is an awesome job for an ASD-trans person like me. I definitely would of killed myself by now if not for this job.

There is another ASD-trans person working there too, however, I don't know her, but I met her online.

Note: Apology for not saying "ASD-woman" since I adopted "trans" as my descriptor and I don't know what stages of transition people are in.

Last edited by LoveNotHate on 25 Nov 2013, 3:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

deleted for sake of me thinking I write too much

Last edited by LoveNotHate on 25 Nov 2013, 3:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Are there actual positions open for where you work LoveNotHate? I will apply if I can stand the area. What locale is it? I'm hesitant about the east coast around DC or New York.

Yes,

https://www.usajobs.gov/Search?Keyword= ... cted=False

Right now they just need people with mechanic, chemical, computer, electrical degrees, however, they hire frequently. In the past they have hired like 1000 people in a year. They do hire a broad range of degrees that have a medical or technology orientation. You can imagine that patents come in from every possible medical or technical area. That includes purely mathematical ones like cryptography.

The locale is 2-3 years in Northern Virginia area, specifically around Alexandria, VA and then anywhere you want to live within the continental U.S., assuming you have proven you can work independently.

They are opening offices in Dallas, Denver and Silicon Valley and one is open in Detroit.

It is expensive living there - if that is your concern - however, the pay is pretty high to compensate.

Last edited by LoveNotHate on 25 Nov 2013, 2:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Unfortunately, my degree is in international business, so I don't qualify. I used to live in Northern Virginia, though; spent most of my childhood there, in the Kingstowne subdivision. That's until my brilliant dad, who had the option of transferring to the Netherlands (!), decided instead to move us to what may very well be the most transphobic state in the Union, cuz he could get more money that way.

Because of the low cost of living where I am (and the accordingly low pay), I feel kinda stuck here and I HATE it. I really f*****g do hate it.