First time I've had to really deal with homophobia.

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Sounds like an extremely f****n annoying situation... I hope I don't ever have to deal with it, because, while I may usually have a tranquil/laid-back demeanor mixed with a moderate amount of toughness on the surface (just so people don't get the wrong impression, ie: thinking that I am a punk), my anger is not to be tested. I know I can/will have a supervolcanic explosion if pushed far enough (thankfully has never happened).

Admittedly I have a very surpressed short temper, I don't like being mad, or being around people who will provoke that side of me.

Also, I am a very private person with just about everything. Now while I rarely disclose my sexual orientation I'm actually still open about it, I just don't care what people think. So far I had to bluntly tell one classmate, who kept trying to talk to me about girls, that I wasn't into girls so him trying to get a response of agreement was only going to get a reaction of laugher from me. His response was, "oh, sorry I didn't know... I have gay friends... I'm gonna go sit in my car now". I taunt him about not being able to take the cold weather (as he did to me earlier), then afterwards I laughed out loud to myself thinking back to his facial expression (shocked and scared).

He's cool though, no problems. I can only imagine the possible chaos though from other people knowing my sexual orientation. All respect for those who are stereotypical. Personally, I don't like the term "coming out". It reflects their ignorance, not my comfort.

well said.

I want to be more and more "comfortably out," as my friend puts it - not necessarily announcing it to the world like some celebrity coming out video lol, but rather just no longer making a specific effort to conceal it. Just being open, transparent, and free about it w/o caring what others think. That's ideal to me, especially after being around friends that lead their lives like that.

However, this whole situation kind of sets that back a little as I've become much more guarded and anxious about it again. I just don't want to have ridiculous reactions to it like this. I guess this is especially influential since this was the FIRST time I ever "came out," to a coworker - and I figured since he was a pretty chill counter-culture tattoo artist he'd be a little more open minded vs. extremely homophobic. Oops, poor judge of character on my part I guess.

Through this process I've had to come out to several other coworkers as they need the back story of what the allegations are in case they've heard anything from him about it (some had before he left) as well as so some of them can write statements as to my conduct at work and their comfort working with me etc. It was a stressful few days of working up to talking to them about it privately or in pairs.

I suppose the silver lining in all of this is that this is forcing me to be more out as I wanted to be, but it's just not a comfortable fun scenario or process vs. having just been more and more comfortably not concealing it around people and letting them clue into it on their own if and when it ever became pertinent to present conversation. But yeah, I didn't exactly want THIS to be how I go about being more out to others. :/

Totally understandable, that situation would set me back as well. Even while being comfortable, because I strongly dislike drama (stressful). Eh, you took a reasonable chance there, it's difficult to tell who can really be trusted, anyone of us could've done the same thing in your situation. Turns out he's just another one of the "insecure straight guy" herd, he wishes he were counter-culture.

Hey man, everything is gonna turn out alright though. You may be uncomfortable now, but ideally co workers won't make a big deal about your sexual orientation (like you've told them your favorite color). They can do nothing about it anyways, besides get over it fast or carry the burden of homophobia. Don't let them see you sweat. Plus, the way you present/carry yourself doesn't have to change at all, and you've still got your privacy eventhough coworkers know you're homosexual now.

Especially on the brighter side: you learned a lot and grew from this experience. Disarm his lies then you can truly relax dude, you're still in control. Right?

Yep - kinda hard to know who's tolerant and trustworthy even if they seem it.

Thanks - I hope it does turn out alright. It's still going to be a stressful process, though. I've got to phone some lawyers on Friday and see about meeting with one/some sooner than the standby appointment I have booked for Feb 11th.

So far so good with coworkers I've kinda had to tell that I'm going to need letters from. They've been pretty much completely indifferent about it and hardly even skipped a beat when I disclosed it how I did - just a split second facial expression reaction that was perhaps part surprised, part "oooh.. now I get it," kind of thing and then nothing but decent normal conversation. No negative reactions from any of 'em I've had to tell to date, which is good, especially since this is a construction site full of ironworkers and I'd describe some of these guys as "tough guys," that one might (mistakenly) assume could be homophobic, or at least not so accepting or tolerant. Some of them may be that way, I don't know, but the ones I've disclosed this to during this process so far have been cool and our working relationship has not changed negatively whatsoever. If anything it may be slightly better since I'm no longer concealing this and I know they're still totally cool with working with me, but still, it's the whole stress if basically having to disclose it under duress that hasn't been fun.

I've learned a lot, yes, and still have plenty to learn.. literally. I have a couple hundred pages I have to read for all of this nonsense. I'll likely learn a lot more about legal processes than I ever wanted to regarding this type of law. But like I said to my boss, it is what it is and I have to go through the process and there may be future value to going through the stress of it all as I do happen to have several gay friends and you just never know when someone else might go through something similar in the future and I'll be there to help them with the process having already gone through it.

I really wish people could find another word for having a different opinion on sexuality other than phobia. Because a phobia is something so much different. So a person with actual homophobia, Is mentally ill and afraid and you would get onto them, but another phobia you wouldnt, There has to be a better word. like, People who have a different opinion

Whenever I tell people I am gay they have the same reaction. Either the normal one, what you expect, which is nice OR (90% of the time)

"What? You? But...how....wow! You look soooOOOo not gay. I would have never thought! Who could have known?" which I find funny and sad, they have such strict image of what a gay is supposed to look like. Not like a teddybear it seems

Really sad is it when GAY people react that way, which is much more common then I ever would have thought.

LMAO. That's certainly a way to bend reality. Either you're trolling or you completely and utterly lack understanding. Well, I don't have the patience to enlighten you but that was amusing.

@goldfish21
No problem. Things are going fantasic dude, you'll definitely be the winner in the end. Plus, I applaud your bravery, for even actively discussing gay marriage in such an enviornment while expressing those strong opinions.

Well I am on a forum for people with autism. Do you think I am trying to be mean? or do you think I really do not know? because as an aspie, I am never mean and I do not know an awful lot. However you sounded very much like someone who is mean.

I sense a misunderstanding. At least I cannot decipher what your post was trying to say.

wtf is that supposed to mean?

as in the phobia. That is like say people had a phobia of black people, there parents were murdered, or they got molested. Idk anyway the developed an actual phobia of people based on that, a legitimate phobia. We use the word homophobia to define anyone who doesnt believe is ok, or is uncomfortable with it. But usually this not being comfortable is not an actual phobia, simply them not understanding or not wanting things to change. Basically being human. So now imagine this person being called racist everywhere when they arnt, they are actually afraid.
Homophobia is a real phobia but the world is thrown around all over the place and being used to describe just discrimination or differing opinions. remove all people of a non gender binary or straight sexual orientation. too straight people, one is pro gay and thinks its great but is straight. The other thinks it is wrong, and says so. There is no actual Homosexual in this so they only are arguing over their own opinions on the subject.

I feel no one can look at it from a neutral state. I do, and I feel the word homophobia is used poorly, kinda like how people have used other terms connected to homosexuality as insults for years. Words that could be used so much better. Homophobia is a real phobia, so anyone with this phobia would be made to think they are a bad person or lesser or wrong simply because they have a fear they cannot escape. I have a phobia and if people treated it how the world treats homophobia i would be in a really bad place.

Its also worth pointing out that it seems anyone who has a opinion, (which they are entitled too both ways) is attacked whether they are for or against it. This has always bothered me. Anyway my point might not be best for this thread but I saw homophobia mentioned and I feel it is the wrong term to be using alot of the time and if it is the right term for the situation then it is very mean to be attacking someone for a fear they cannot control.

I tried to word this as clearly as I could to avoid conveying the wrong message. I am not trolling or being mean or starting stuff.

Hm. I thought you being trollish or ignorant and reacted accordingly. Given the the topic poster's story, I don't see why you would decide to defend homophobia by sugarcoating it as "differing opinion on sexuality". That's something a bigot would do.

"However you sounded very much like someone who is mean"
Yep... I'm the big bad wolf... I'll blow your house down...

Looking at your next post though, now you make sense. But don't try to take homophobia, then lessen the definition for every circumstance. I mean, if you're going to look from a neutral perspective then you have to decide case by case whether homophobia fits the situation otherwise you sound biased.

Keep in mind, there are actually multiple definitions of the word phobia and while "homophobia" is a little overused, it does exist (like in the topic poster's story). Everything was clear there, no guessing at motivation to determine if the coworker is homophobic.

If you really want to debate homophobia then you ought to create a separate thread.

Yep, things are going along OK. Hopefully this becomes a lot less stressful and much more.. methodical - just a process to go through, cross some t's, dot some i's etc & then be done with it until a meeting or hearing date.

And thanks. I figured what the hell, why not? Sochi & gay marriage were all over the news at that time, and we hosted the last winter olympics here, annnnd Vancouver has the largest gay population in Canada - so, in general it's at least a tolerant place overall, even if people aren't fully accepting. But obviously there are some people here, a very small minority, who are quite the homophobes still.

One thing my father pointed out that I hadn't really thought or worried about at all is that this guy knows where I live. I don't foresee him coming here to cause problems over this now, but I sure hope he doesn't after meetings/hearings etc - especially once his complaints are dismissed or he loses etc. That could be a whole new nightmare to deal with. I guess I cross that bridge if and when I come to it.

As for the debate on the use of the word homophobia.. I like Morgan Freeman's take on it:

Hey goldfish21,
I really enjoyed your tale, thanks for sharing! It seemed as if everyone involved handled an ugly situation really well.

I've mostly found that by being upfront about my sexual nature (when the topic comes up), the jerks stay away and the interesting people stick around.

well yeah, so far they have.. but still, it's about to get uglier in a sense now that there's all this legal paperwork to be done. Such a colossal waste of everyone's time and energy, really. That's one of the most annoying parts.. that even once I win, he's successfully managed to screw with my life, occupy my time with this stuff, cost me sleep at night, cost the charity I was doing fundraising for money since I have to spend my time on this instead etc. That's why I hope he ends up being financially penalized for dragging myself and the company and others through this process.

Today was a big day.

I attended a 4 1/2 hour meeting about this & while I can't discuss details, I can say that everything went very well for me.

T-minus one week to find out of this wraps up for good soon, or if further meetings or a hearing will be required. Either way, I'm confident that whenever this situation wraps up it will be in my favour and I can put this nonsense behind me and move on from it stronger than when I got drug into it.

Yay! Hopefully it will be over soon.