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alobaby
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 23 May 2016
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Posts: 37
Location: USA

19 Oct 2016, 1:45 am

So for a while I identified as pangender meaning I could feel any gender, sometimes multiple at once, sometimes it was even feeling like a girl and agender at the same time. Then it died down after a while to where I felt only agender and/or cis (as a girl.) Now I only feel like a girl. Any thoughts? I feel alone



feminineeffects
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 19 Oct 2016
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 6
Location: canada

19 Oct 2016, 2:54 am

you're not alone. in the spring I had a sudden epiphany that I never realized I was trans. all these signs from my childhood and teens and earlier 20s hit me all at once. I was surprised that I never noticed that i've never identified as a cis girl. I always passively considered myself as an other, but I wasnt sure what.

after my realization, I shortened my name to Sam, adopted they/them pronouns, gave away most of my ~girl clothes~ (I dont believe objects should be gendered), bought a chest binder online and obsessively watched FTM vlogs, as well as researched hormone therapy and even surgery extensively. i also shaved my head and started wearing my boyfriend's clothes. it was apparently a shocking change for people I've only known for a year or less. older friends and most family were used to the sudden change in styles and drastic hair changes.

in late spring, my boyfriend convinced me to buy a long wig online and due to a postal strike, it didn't show up until a month or two into my "transition." he didn't like me how I was and threatened to leave after being together for almost 4 years. we were going through emotionally abusive roommate drama at the time, so i started questioning my changes, thinking maybe they were brought on by stress. i always cut my hair off and transform into a new person when i feel like i'm having an emotional breakdown.

when the wig showed up in midsummer, I took to it instantly. I wouldnt leave the house without it. I felt attractive for the first time in years. people looked at me. i was pretty again. I wasn't confusing, threatening and weird anymore. this made me angry.

I absolutely still considered myself not cis. i felt worried that I was confusing my peers and relatives. i officially took on the label genderfluid rather than straight-up trans and people seemed less on edge around me. which still makes me angry, but I try to explain how gender is a social construct and how it's liberating to express oneself as however they see fit.

It's normal to explore your identity and outward expression, especially as a teenager. I started exploring when i was 15 and i'm 29 now. I wouldnt worry about trying to fit neatly into a labeled box. make your identity your own. own it. live it authentically the only way you know how. just go with the flow of your feelings. that's what I'm doing. some days I express myself super femininely and other days I dress non gendered (which in society basically looks like a boy).

good luck!! feel free to add me if you have any questions. :D



Rachel184
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 11 Aug 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 30

19 Oct 2016, 6:19 am

Just be yourself, whatever that might be. And yes, I know that with society's expectations and the pressure to conform, that can be very difficult. But as much as you can, just be you, and don't worry about what other people say. Take time to explore your identity and figure out what makes you feel comfortable. There's no rush. Just go with whatever works for you, and it's perfectly okay for you identity to be fluid.



green0star
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 5 Apr 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,397
Location: blah

19 Oct 2016, 7:21 am

When I first learned that I am genderqueer I was first identifying as both(male and female). The way I would generally explain it by saying that I was a feminine boy and a tomboyish girl in the same body. For a while I was rolling agender(under the genderqueer umbrella) because I felt as if I wasn't connected to any gender. Then things became more stable as I identified both and neither. I don't know to say it was a "phase" because it took a few years to really "figure myself out" in that area.



alobaby
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 23 May 2016
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Posts: 37
Location: USA

20 Oct 2016, 12:30 am

Thank you all!