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TUF
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20 Mar 2019, 1:05 pm

From when I was 7, I've felt masculine and like a boy and then later like a man. It's mostly personality things but body ties into it as well such as hating having breasts and having periods.

I'm at a stage now where I keep coming in and out of feeling as if I'm trans.

I have a few fears.

1 I would really love to be someone who was a guy and who had a male body with short hair and shaved regularly. Trouble is, realistically I wouldn't be that guy. I'd be a neckbeard with long hair. It's like how right now I could be someone who wore suits every day but I live in tracksuits. Even now I could bite the bullet on the sexist hair cut prices and get a man's cut. But I don't, I let my hair grow because I hate personal grooming.

2 My support network is very small and everyone in it, especially my religious dad and elderly stepdad, is transphobic. Even my mother. She says things in support of trans women then says 'but I wouldn't want trans women in my bathroom' or 'of course you're not trans'...

3 Mum was in hospital when I was 9 so I take surgery very seriously. She could have died. She makes it clear to me that the worst thing in the world is to have any form of surgery. So, yes, if I could push a button I'd have no breasts and possibly a penis but... I hate hospitals and I wouldn't like to have surgery. It would hurt and maybe kill me like she nearly died in hospital.

4 I look like a little boy. Whenever I pass (short hair, boys clothes), people think I'm 14. Whenever I don't pass, people think I'm 16. I'm 30. I'll never pass as an adult man because adult men aren't 4"11, at least not white ones who aren't dwarfs.

5 When I talk about my dysphoria mum takes it as a personal insult. Eg I hate my voice because it sounds feminine. I have a similar voice to mum. She says 'I wouldn't worry about it, we have the same voice'... not helpful.

6 I feel as if I'm living in the public eye. There's pictures of me taken candidly online and I'd attract more of them if I looked like a hairy 4"11 bloke.

7 Whenever I take small steps mum copies. I wear boxers so now she wears boxers. I want short hair so she has short hair. It's like she's shaming me into accepting I can never be more of a man than she is.

Trans resources talk as if it's easy to get a new family a 'chosen' family. No it's not. People reject me. I need familial support. If I come out, I might lose it.

I've tried at least 3 times now to come out and nothing ends up being done about it. I get a haircut, I buy more male clothes, I go by my male name online. Then time moves on and nothing else happens and people forget I ever said I was trans in the first place. I can't say anything to my dad because he thinks trans people are freaks and has openly said that to me. Even mum says 'stop being silly' and 'you're biologically female' and 'women are my favourite people so of course my daughter is one'...

And no I can't just say it to a doctor because mum insists on going to the GP with me every time.



swordrat32
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20 Mar 2019, 7:42 pm

I'm so sorry your people aren't open to accepting who you are.



epilanthanomai
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21 Mar 2019, 8:06 am

That sounds rough. Are you looking for advice from other trans folks, or just validation?



magz
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21 Mar 2019, 10:32 am

It seems your parents try to be superficially supportive but deny to learn the truth.
It's painful. It's painful not to be able to be real you next to the closest ones.
I can't really say much more - I'm not trans myself but I know the pain of being denied real you.


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TUF
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21 Mar 2019, 2:15 pm

epilanthanomai wrote:
That sounds rough. Are you looking for advice from other trans folks, or just validation?


I think just advice about if this sounds like I'm trans or not. And either way advice about what to do in my situation.



epilanthanomai
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21 Mar 2019, 4:35 pm

TUF wrote:
I think just advice about if this sounds like I'm trans or not. And either way advice about what to do in my situation.


Cool. So first of all, as far as I'm concerned you're trans if you say you are. You're a guy if you say you are. If my opinion mattered at all in that, then feeling like a boy or man, hating having breasts and periods, wanting the former removed, wanting possibly a penis, and wanting a deeper voice certainly sounds incredibly trans to me. If it were up to me to set the bar (which it very much isn't), I'd set it way lower than that. Mainstream cis culture will often be gatekeepers about it, and honestly a few trans people will too, but there are huge parts of trans culture who're 100% on board with self-definition with regard to gender and trans inclusion.

I'll dig into your concerns from your original post.

TUF wrote:
1 I would really love to be someone who was a guy and who had a male body with short hair and shaved regularly. Trouble is, realistically I wouldn't be that guy. I'd be a neckbeard with long hair. It's like how right now I could be someone who wore suits every day but I live in tracksuits. Even now I could bite the bullet on the sexist hair cut prices and get a man's cut. But I don't, I let my hair grow because I hate personal grooming.


Total sympathy there. I'd love to be a girl with great fashion sense and interpersonal poise. I've found I'm not really cut out for either. I've been on hormones for years now, and I've actually found it's way easier for me to put energy into caring for my body now that my body feels more right with the right hormone levels and secondary sex characteristics. I do more for grooming than I ever did pre-transition. It's still not easy for me, though, and I certainly can't say how you'd react. Maybe it would help to consider cutting out your perfect ideal self-image as an option: If you needed to pick between what you have now vs a neckbeard with long hair who lives in tracksuits, all else being equal, which would be better for you? If it makes a difference, I know several short casual neckbeardy trans dudes who do okay for themselves, so it's not completely impossible. You know you better than I do, though.

TUF wrote:
2 My support network is very small and everyone in it, especially my religious dad and elderly stepdad, is transphobic. Even my mother. She says things in support of trans women then says 'but I wouldn't want trans women in my bathroom' or 'of course you're not trans'...


This one's super tough. I'm so sorry. Not having support of parents or a group of friends is incredibly hard. I was really fortunate that by the time I came out my parents already had a pretty limited impact on my life for unrelated reasons, so I didn't need to stress about what they'd say. Are you dependent on them for living space or other practical life arrangements? Do you have any freedom to seek out other local trans-friendly community? (Acknowledging, of course, that new meeting people certainly isn't always easy.)

TUF wrote:
3 Mum was in hospital when I was 9 so I take surgery very seriously. She could have died. She makes it clear to me that the worst thing in the world is to have any form of surgery. So, yes, if I could push a button I'd have no breasts and possibly a penis but... I hate hospitals and I wouldn't like to have surgery. It would hurt and maybe kill me like she nearly died in hospital.


That sounds like a difficult one to get over. If it helps, I know some trans guys over here in the States who've never had any surgeries and are comfortable enough just being on hormones. If you do ever get to the point of considering surgeries, I think you'll find that they all have different risk profiles, and top surgeries in particular are typically quite low risk.

TUF wrote:
4 I look like a little boy. Whenever I pass (short hair, boys clothes), people think I'm 14. Whenever I don't pass, people think I'm 16. I'm 30. I'll never pass as an adult man because adult men aren't 4"11, at least not white ones who aren't dwarfs.


Hormones are magic. If you decide to get on testosterone and are able to do that, then after some time most people will usually gender you correctly. Being short and possibly long-haired will probably make some people misgender you if they only see you from the back. But generally, once they see facial hair and a hear a low voice, they'll apologize and correct themselves. I have one acquaintance (out of dozens) who's been on T for several years and for some reason never really grew much facial hair. It's pretty frustrating for him, but even being short he gets by.

TUF wrote:
5 When I talk about my dysphoria mum takes it as a personal insult. Eg I hate my voice because it sounds feminine. I have a similar voice to mum. She says 'I wouldn't worry about it, we have the same voice'... not helpful.


Yeah, sounds like your mother is having her own issues. That really sucks, and it's terribly unfair to you. She needs to stop putting those issues on you. I hope you're able to either convince her of that, or at least stop taking responsibility for her issues even though she's pushing it on you. Yuck.

TUF wrote:
6 I feel as if I'm living in the public eye. There's pictures of me taken candidly online and I'd attract more of them if I looked like a hairy 4"11 bloke.


It could happen, honestly. It's pretty shitty that people do that. I hope you're able to find confidence to find a way that makes you happy despite other people doing shitty things.

TUF wrote:
7 Whenever I take small steps mum copies. I wear boxers so now she wears boxers. I want short hair so she has short hair. It's like she's shaming me into accepting I can never be more of a man than she is.


That's really weird of her to do. I hope she can learn to keep her issues to herself and stop trying to stay so unhealthily attached to you and your life.

TUF wrote:
Trans resources talk as if it's easy to get a new family a 'chosen' family. No it's not. People reject me. I need familial support. If I come out, I might lose it.


It's really not always easy. I think when resources suggest that it is, that's pretty ableist. I hope that you're able to build a support base that's more supportive. Do you live anywhere near a major metro area?

TUF wrote:
I've tried at least 3 times now to come out and nothing ends up being done about it. I get a haircut, I buy more male clothes, I go by my male name online. Then time moves on and nothing else happens and people forget I ever said I was trans in the first place. I can't say anything to my dad because he thinks trans people are freaks and has openly said that to me. Even mum says 'stop being silly' and 'you're biologically female' and 'women are my favourite people so of course my daughter is one'...


That sucks that you need to self-advocate for it and it just gets ignored. It's terribly unfair to you. I hope you're able to find some kind of supportive community in your area, even though it's certainly not always easy.

TUF wrote:
And no I can't just say it to a doctor because mum insists on going to the GP with me every time.


That's incredibly intrusive of her, especially at your age. I hate that you need to have an excuse to get privacy. Everyone deserves some basic level of privacy, especially with their physician. I wonder if you could tell her that you need to see the doctor about something incredibly private and refuse to tell her any more than that. Maybe she'd infer that it's something sexual and drop it or something? Or at least not force herself into the room, even if she continues to harass you about it?

I hope that helps.



magz
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23 Mar 2019, 9:44 am

I think the part of feeling wrong in a female body is what makes you trans.
Or at least this is where I would draw the line. I hate a lot of social aspects of being female but I'm perfectly okay with biological aspects of it, including natural childbirth and breastfeeding, so I believe I'm not trans (does it automatically make me cis? Probably.)
If you don't feel yourself in a female body, I believe you are trans.

The problems I see:
1. Finding people who would accept you for who you are. IRL, preferably.
2. Would the transition now make your life better? Or maybe other problems need to be solved independently first?


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DanielW
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23 Mar 2019, 9:57 am

TUF, You're Trans if you feel and say you are. You can be trans with or without surgery. You are free to be your own unique individual, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that...or with you.

I can't advise you about your family, but if you are an adult, you are entitled to private, confidential medical and psychological care and treatment. It sounds like you could really uses some professional advice here, and I hope you will try and get some. No one deserves to feel alone, misunderstood, or miserable.

I want to add that if you feel comfortable talking to your doctor, you can simply say "I have something I'd like to discuss with you in private" and they'll get your mother out of the room for you.



KT67
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01 Aug 2019, 10:00 am

Now she's doing it with swimwear...

It's weird...

Like yes I agree with her that female swimsuits are physically uncomfortable but I'm trying to tell her I want trunks and haven't had top surgery yet so she says 'let's both wear rash guards'... And she thinks she can tell me when to get my hair cut so it's short but not too short cos she likes it short...

My mother is just overly controlling tbh.

And when I say I'm trans masculine she says I'm not, really firmly, and when I say I'm non binary she says 'I think everyone has a mixture in them'. Which is a bit like 'I think everyone is a bit autistic'...



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24 Aug 2019, 7:42 pm

I hope this advice is welcome. Sorry if it isn't. You do sound like you could be trans though. Your feeling sound like gender dysphoria.

I mean, firstly, what they're doing doesn't exactly sound like support unless you mean financially? Do you have a therapist? I'd highly recommend finding a good therapist if your insurance covers it, more of them are doing this now i think. A therapist could also help you with your fear of surgery in general. Surgery doesn't usually kill people and can save lives in many circumstances if you get sick. Better to work through these emotions before you might need one.

As far as finding a "chosen family". I recommend pursuing one through your special interests specifically. Hobby bonds can grow quite strong and require less social skills in my experience. I wasn't abandoned by my parents, but much of my mom's side of my extended family disprove quite intensely. However, I lean on my trpg group to fill in the void. They've helped me get to and from surgeries and doctor's appointments when I had no one else to be there because my parents work a lot more than average in weird schedules. Will you succeed on the first or second try? Probably not, but statistically if you keep trying it vastly improves your chances of finding a good fit.

Also, have you tried breast binding? I know I've seen some forums have sections for people who are donating their old binders to trans people who can't afford them. They're usually a bit worn, but that's better than nothing. Binding is hugely comforting for many trans-men and as an autist I also kinda find the gentle pressure of the top to be kinda nice.



KT67
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09 Sep 2019, 4:09 am

I don't have a therapist and I'm not on BUPA (my family have only ever been on BUPA when it was going to give my grandma a new heart, we're not rich we're regular people who don't use private healthcare). I think the NHS would cover that kind of thing though so no need for insurance. It's more about having the guts to go to one and my mother's involved in all those kinds of things - I told her there were things I wanted to say to the doctor in private and she didn't like that. It's a kind of adult guardianship thing from when I was more ill.

My actual parents (rather than biological dad) support me a lot in terms of finances. And outside of this they're decent people. People don't seem to understand that.

I don't know about the binder thing and I'm a bit afraid of it. Even beyond gender issues, I hate bras. Because they flatten my chest and that feels like I'm being pressed against all day. I wear them because I need some kind of binding. It's the same with weighted blankets, my cousin was saying 'those are good for autistic people' but for me it feels like a heavy weight on top of me?

I think eventually I'll need to go to a therapist over surgery fears. Part of it is though, I see surgery, injections etc as something you only get when you might die. So the life saving, I know. The quality of life saving? That scares me.



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09 Sep 2019, 7:59 am

People have surgery for nonlethal things all the time.

Appendicitis is one example. My brother had his appendix taken out when he was 15.

If it's invasive surgery, there's always a "recovery" of at least a week.

Do you feel, 100%, that you want to have male sexual organs? In my opinion, if one feels a smidgen of a desire to remain one's birth sex, one shouldn't go through with the "reassignment" surgery.



KT67
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09 Sep 2019, 10:53 am

Hmm. I feel like a guy but I don't feel like that part of me gives me dysphoria. At least not in the life I'm living, which is the life of someone who if I was the male sex would be an 'incel'. To me, bodies are tools. The reason to have a penis is to use it. The reason to have a vagina, the same. I don't know if that's PC but that's how I see it. If I were to get in a relationship, I would want to be able to penetrate. But there are ways of doing that without bottom surgery.

Where I mostly feel dysphoria physically is around periods, height and muscle tone. I can improve my muscles without surgery. I can't do anything about height. Periods are something which can be sorted out without surgery but I'm not sure if they require 'coming out' or if I should just go on the pill (and risk questions about 'are you sexually active' which I'm not).

Honestly even now people look at me and think 12-14 yo boy. It's simply my family that look at me and think woman. I hate both. Especially how my step sister looks at me, knows me and yet looks at me and thinks 'feminine woman I can buy bath bombs for'... I couldn't pass as a man, I'd look like a boy. I consistently hate looking young, it's infantilising.

What I would want surgery for if at all would be top surgery. It's mostly in summertime. The notion that I can be this masculine and yet not be able to go topless with the rest without things jiggling around and without 'revealing myself'/it being sexual. In winter, everything and everyone is covered so it's not such a big deal. And yes it is being the female sex which makes it feel vulnerable, if I was born in the male sex and fat then I wouldn't feel vulnerable/sexualised by showing my breasts and I could still have breasts this size.

I have a strange sort of disconnect from my body as anything other than a series of tools/ways to be perceived which I don't know if that points towards trans or cis or just unhealthy. I want a muscular, tall, penetrating, non bleeding body. I don't know how to say that without it sounding ableist and sexist.



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09 Sep 2019, 11:05 am

KT67 wrote:
Hmm. I feel like a guy but I don't feel like that part of me gives me dysphoria. At least not in the life I'm living, which is the life of someone who if I was the male sex would be an 'incel'. To me, bodies are tools. The reason to have a penis is to use it. The reason to have a vagina, the same. I don't know if that's PC but that's how I see it. If I were to get in a relationship, I would want to be able to penetrate. But there are ways of doing that without bottom surgery.

Where I mostly feel dysphoria physically is around periods, height and muscle tone. I can improve my muscles without surgery. I can't do anything about height. Periods are something which can be sorted out without surgery but I'm not sure if they require 'coming out' or if I should just go on the pill (and risk questions about 'are you sexually active' which I'm not).

Honestly even now people look at me and think 12-14 yo boy. It's simply my family that look at me and think woman. I hate both. Especially how my step sister looks at me, knows me and yet looks at me and thinks 'feminine woman I can buy bath bombs for'... I couldn't pass as a man, I'd look like a boy. I consistently hate looking young, it's infantilising.

What I would want surgery for if at all would be top surgery. It's mostly in summertime. The notion that I can be this masculine and yet not be able to go topless with the rest without things jiggling around and without 'revealing myself'/it being sexual. In winter, everything and everyone is covered so it's not such a big deal. And yes it is being the female sex which makes it feel vulnerable, if I was born in the male sex and fat then I wouldn't feel vulnerable/sexualised by showing my breasts and I could still have breasts this size.

I have a strange sort of disconnect from my body as anything other than a series of tools/ways to be perceived which I don't know if that points towards trans or cis or just unhealthy. I want a muscular, tall, penetrating, non bleeding body. I don't know how to say that without it sounding ableist and sexist.


That was really well written KT, and I don't think it sounds ableist or sexist at all. You're very clear and articulate about who you are. I wish your family would see you the same way.



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09 Sep 2019, 11:29 am

I sense that you feel quite male, and not gender-neutral.

Do you feel like you want others to think of you as a man? And not non-binary?

And is this a consistent feeling with no doubt in your mind—ever?

There are cis-women who are lesbian who like to be the active party in love. I don’t find the desire to be the “active” partner indicative of wanting to be masculine.

I would say, that if you want to be a man, and the feeling always exists, that you should maybe consider reassignment surgery. If you feel non-binary, and not male, then definitely no.