Some of my poems, care to be my critic :D?

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if you like these i can post more

"labyrinth"

Retreating back inside the mind
careful or lost in labyrinth find
at best while you are wandering
behind you trail a guiding string
lest no way from complex maze
and meet you inner monster's gaze
a beast of rage, of guilt, of loss
borne then soon after in there tossed
behind you leave no open door
or reckon with the minotaur

"Invitation to the Depths"

Believe in what you cannot see
Can you conceive the air we breathe?
Each breath is slowly killing me
You know you will too eventually
It’s nothing to laugh at that time destroys all things
While wearing your heart on your sleeves
You’ll find out how much it bleeds
how many dark stains it leaves
How jaded are your memories
That you can’t see the forest for the trees
But I can see the sea, washing steadily over me
I know the tides, your change of sides
You shift on that beach quite nervously
Stepping on sand, your piece of dry land
The only certainty on which you stand
But let’s swim, these depths invite you in
Test your waters, fear isn’t the only common sense
It’s a natural defense, another border fence
Breathe, this air will help you float, but only if you let it
Can you take it? Life has no preserver, you got to make it
It’s all about your motion in this ocean; sink or swim;
Davey Jones waits and you could very well join him
I can see your back, but all you can see is the shore
Walking on water isn’t commonplace these days
It just doesn’t happen anymore
But damn, I swear you swam, half-ran right back over that crest
Your shirt, a useless sail fixed to a heaving chest
Where did your loyalties lie & when did they falter and die?"

I don't really know how to approach poetry except to just let it flow over me and see what it gives to me visually, if that makes sense. But for what my opinion is worth, I really liked these. I'm not qualified for a technical critique.

thanks. though i wasn't necessarily looking for anything technical. just maybe comments, thoughts, etc.
just anything anyone might feel like saying about. some kind of feedback. if people enjoy them then i must be doing something right.


"untitled"

I’m no good with creative compliments,
I’m sorry to say they’re not my forte
These kind words and little presents
But I hope you accept them anyway
I know you’ve heard them all before
From others that might have more sway
But please leave me an open door
And not be so quick to send me on my way

"Frankenstein Monster"

A world given to normalcy
at my passing watches warily
my eyes as dry as desert sand
they think i do not understand
the emotions that they come to feel
a weight that causes me to kneel
an inner light that goes unknown
behind a mask of flesh and bone
science gone wrong, abomination
the darker side of man's creation
to wander forth and ever be
iconic of man's duplicity
a nomadic trek of haunted steps
a wait to see God's promise kept
that though unnatural the birth
he least in me might find some worth
my days to me fragmented dreams
a patchwork heart with nightmare seams
love from none to spare upon
this life-given automaton

The poetry that I write is not too far in approach and style from yours, so naturally I'm sympathetic.
Here is one of mine to give you a taste.

THE ARTIST AS TRAVELER IN TIME

Could I move through time the way I tread space
I would no more attempt to resee Caesar
Than stroll from Brooklyn out to Central Asia.
But within the tight neighborhood of my life
There are many things I would unknot and redo.
This then is the trap of traveling through time.
So a painter can revise, rethink, realign
The canvas as a total surface, so would we,
To attain a perfect life, analyze and reconsider,
Readjust each small component,
Remove a second here, a minute there,
Devise new particles of time and consequence,
Cement them tight into place.
We would become purists and at end,
Relate all to all.
It might be we could be satisfied by just one perfect moment.
All else wiped away, that moment erect in eternity .
A crystal dewdrop poised upon a green blade of summer grass
Glistening in the momentary glance of a summer sun.

Your poetry is warming hearts.

The kind of writing which makes me feel like improving my English or else I'll miss a lot I'm sure.

zena4 wrote:

"Note"

Don't really know what i was thinking
'til i stopped and sat there blinking at the day
never saw the light that was shining down
dancing on my face and this half-formed frown
as my thoughts turned and drifted far away
fingers clenching at distant notions
my face clouded with mixed emotions
feet absently finding grip on hard-packed dirt
the breeze cutting like blades right through my shirt
as i rose and thought of nothing else to say
how can i reply, look in your eyes
when nothing that i know will make you stay?...
lips frozen like the winter air
eyes burning begin to blur
an expression that we never hope to wear
a note left behind without a single word
and dropped suddenly, a lead weight in my hand
a list of reasons that you could understand

"Eyes to Advertise"

With eyes to advertise so much
disappointment raining from the skies
these drops that fall and hit the wall
in torrents percieved with ev'ry sense
so rain, rain, please go away
and sunny skies please take the place
of vacant spots i've seen inside
thoses irises so cool and deep
where thoughts swim by and feelings sleep and hide
who look at clouds of yesterday
with a blank masklike expression
concealing inner tension
trying to blink off shrouds of grey
well, come what may, this i will say:
rain, rain, please don't stay, go away
atmosphere that brought you here is far behind
don't stay indoors and draw the blinds
watching and waiting for blue skies
a color to match a cool shade
i truly hope you'll recognize
it only takes one step out the door
to know what we have umbrellas for
glance at the ground around your feet
at mirrors made and formed from this
and reflections are all we'll see
it does not always have to be