Old poems, curious for feedback...

Post Reply New Topic

These are well over a decade old... nearer to two than I care to think about. Don't share often, but would appreciate some feedback... trying something new.

I like them! They're of a subtle, fragile, almost ethereal beauty. And yet they manage to retain this wild, romantic intensity. The first could be a bit shorter though; I often find that short poems (< 20 to 25 lines) have more power. Also, you could consider structuring them into stanzas, and add some more commas and periods. I know that some poetry works fine without white lines and punctuation, but often it just makes for a more pleasant read.

The first would become (if you cut out a few lines) something like:

Tears blossoming in fragrant iris,
Blue gold falling in late summer's hand -
Touched and invited outward by richness
in earth and green and vibrant nature,

Reaching out for God with a clenched fist:
Lame leading blind leading deaf leading
Onward as twice-fallen raindrops know
their descent beyond the heavens.

Spirits surround, compass, encompass, and
Embody that which none are willing to accept:
Human fragility and imperfection, [in] which
man was envisioned and designed.

Knuckles, bloodied flesh and bone broken
From tirade and anger lashed upon
Doors of old celtic oak and knot,
upon which this new vision rests.

Suffering, no martyrdom in that which
Has afflicted all with savage lashes
As though religion were leprosy and
nature-soul the dropping flesh.

So anguish damned, and all the bindings
Of word and letter be cast aside in
Light, light of heart and birth-sight,
without knowing the bitter darkness,
tempered by fists of doubt and fearing
Such fragile bonds we find among the others'
Outstretched arms, and darkened palms
find solace in those soothing touches.

I hope you don't mind me "meddling" with your poetry. I'm not trying to tell you what you ought to do, just showing you an alternative. Lastly, I like it when poems have titles...

Interesting perspectives. You address two issues that I have when writing... titles are not something that occur to me, and when I write it comes out as a flow of words - I don't know where to cut, and tend to leave it to the reader to find their own meter and division. While not really a fan of the epic poems, I generally write in the 15-40 line range... somewhat along the lines of e.e. cummings, who is one of my favourite writers to read (two poems were part of my wedding). If I might ask, what do you find intense in them? When do you find them subtle? Not easy questions, but curious if there are turns of phrase that worked or were rhythmically effective. This is a constant challenge for me, and something I encounter when writing music... especially when my goal is to evoke an emotional reaction that I don't fully understand or relate to. So I have to get feedback, and am trying to expand into using this approach more with my writing style.


M.

Which is, in part, why I'm posting now. In music, the mathematics, form and structure of the music provide me a canvas upon which I can create with fluidity. In that situation, there are no semantics - only impressions... so the imposition of over-arching support and design is familiar. With words, I often find myself having more difficulty... and it is also part of that musical experience, where because there is no semantic context, I have to rely on their interpretation of what I have written instead of knowing that if I plug in A, B, and C at this point that I will get the desired response. Some times, art is refinement; others, it is the undistilled nature of it that makes it effective.

Interesting on the rhythmic interpretation; when I read aloud, I tend to fall into more broken/erratic formations with a strong sense of syncopation. For example, ONward - as TWICE-FAL-LEN RAINdrops, know their deSCENT... beYOND the HEAvens. (Trying to convey timing and emphasis) A device I am aware that I use, generally for impetus and to pull the end of one line of text into the next, is to have phrases and sentences have a partial meaning when read alone, but the context or completion of the idea is just a fragment of the next line, attempting to form a mosaic of these images within the reader.

Thank you for the time, attention to detail, and precise feedback.


M.

You're welcome! I really appreciate your poetry, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered so much with it.

Have you tried composing texts to already existing musical melodies? I often find that it automatically imposes the rhythmical order that I need, and which is often elusive when writing "in vacuo". Don't choose songs, since these already have lyrics that might interfere with your own inspiration. I often take concertos, sonatas, etc. for "vocal" instruments, like oboe or violin.

Good luck with your poetry. If you have some new work post it, I'd like it!

your poems are beautiful...tragic, and surreal yet all too real. I love the effect of one foot in this world and one foot in your world seeing from both sides.

I also had trouble reading it though without a place to pause...I got kinda exuasted reading one really long sentence...not because it was bad but my eye and mind had no place to rest in the freeway of words. Also I recomend making some lines longer than the other. The short lines add an extended punctuation to make to reader think for a second. For example if I wanted to say "Real is only the imagination's illusion of stability".
I could guide the reader into the most important point with punctation and line length by doing this:

Real...is only the imagination's
illusion
of stability.

That way, you as the reader are forced the realize that "illusion" is the key point. I put the dots there to give the reader a millisecond to think that I am talking about the nature of reality.
Do you see how you can guide your readers with punctuation and line length?

I would recomend reading your poetry outloud to see where you normally pause and where you put emphasis and exagerate that ephasis and pause so the reader truly is in tune with what you are saying and feeling.

As far as free verse poetry as emotional diareia (sp), I disagree with who said that because free verse, done right, gives freedom from rhyming to expand on cultivating detailed imagerery that would be lost if all the focus is on rhyming.

I would recomend learning about punctation how too's in the Harbrace Handbook. they come out with a new edition every 3-5 years as rules change...as they always do. I am not trying to be a grammar police, but I think it will help you know where to punctuate if you have trouble knowing where to put a pause or end a sentence.

you have great potential...get those punctuations and line lengths figured out and you would definatly have publishing material.

I am wanting to write a book of poetry by people on the spectrim to counter alot of these crazy stereotypes about us. I am autistic and I been writing poetry for a long time too. Would you be interested in being published in the book? If so, send me an email.

best wishes, and merry christmas,

Jojo

Thank you... am a little flustered, not used to positive feedback on my writing style. This one is much newer, at least relatively - only about 5 years old, instead of the neighborhood of 15.

Perhaps I've regressed as a writer? Regardless, my thanks to those who gave their feedback.


M.

Thought I don't like doing this, I am still seeking feedback... so, bump.


M.

One last attempt, bumping the thread for feedback.


M.

I often dislike speaking on people's works. I find myself not qualified to give feedback that goes beyond pointing out things that catch my eye and strike a chord within me. In a way it makes me feel that I am not giving proper... how do I want to say this... my education leaves things to be desired when it comes to things such as literature, poetry and the such, so my thoughts on it seem amateur compared to the words you present. I feel when people ask me to share my thoughts that I sound like a three year old having a discussion with a paleontologist... But if it counts for anything...

"give me one moment given to forgive me momentary lapse of reason as I am so often prone to do"

I liked that. I liked that a lot. My head wrapped around it and rolled with it and dug the melodic way it created a rhythmic understanding in my mind. This can be said and applied to many other parts of your whole...

"but mankind’s royal “I Am” poem decreed not we are the world we are the children but the story of those on their knees exchanging diseases for pleasure just to keep their bellies or their addictions sated" ... just being one other example.

I enjoy the way that it all seems sing song to me. I have a difficult time with poetry in general as I fail to maintain flow with it, but the whole of your work has good flow, me thinks. I do not know where to even begin to touch on the content as a whole as I simply find myself nodding in agreement and happen to share similar thoughts.

I am sorry that I do not have the ability in me to give feedback that is more fitting of the content you put out... critique has never been my strong suit. But I did like what you have written so I wanted to say something.
"

Yet that is exactly the sort of feedback I am looking for, whether good or bad. As a percussionist, rhythmic function is an important part of how I listen as well as how I write (my speaking is more mumble; when I sing, I am often too sharply rhythmic instead of flowing). Thank you, Dossa, for sharing. That there were phrases that grabbed you means a lot, because it means I was able to create a picture with words that communicated something to another person. That's always been my challenge, to get outside this box... so it is greatly encouraging. Does the change in format between the two version make any difference to you?


M.

Yes, it does make a difference to me. I also found that breaking it up made it harder for me to find rhythm... it kind of killed the rhythm for me.... but unless I know a thing well, it always works that way for me. I find myself drawn to things that blend from one thought into the next and to divide it makes it harder for me to fully appreciate the way things do blend... it is like one complete thought becomes many separate ones for me.