can I get ur opinion on my poem about sensory issues

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Ravenclawgurl
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Age: 34
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02 Mar 2010, 8:15 pm

(Not titled yet)

The fuzziness
The confusion
Of the maze of convention
The chirps and screeches
Sucking cognition like leeches
Little by little
Weighing you down
Till you explode
It’s called overload
What I go through each day
No matter what I do
No matter what way
I try to go by
Expecting the unexpected
So I don’t jump
There’s no method perfected
To stop the pain
That’s going to come
Like a jolt of electricity trying to get to my brain
Through my ear
That’s what I get when all these sounds I hear
The sounds you ignore
That most can filter out
To me a whisper can sometimes sound like a shout
Especially when there are hundreds of whispers all around
Millions of different types of sounds
All at the same time
Without a rhyme
Just a mumble jumble
Of sounds all around
Nowhere to escape
Not knowing when the final blow
Will go
And knock you off the rim
And when you explode and have complete overload



FuzzyElephants
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02 Mar 2010, 10:39 pm

Not to be off topic but this reminds me of my 21st birthday. Of course I was drunk but my husband and I went to Denny's and I got upset because I could hear everyone else's conversations in detail and couldn't shut them out... I heard everything, absolutely everything simultaneously. My husband didn't believe me until I started rambling on repeating details of conversations from the other side of the room... I cringe just thinking about that experience.

... or that sound when someone leaves the TV on without any input... or when people put the condiments in the fridge to close together and when the compressor kicks on all the jars rattle just a little bit...

I like the poem. Good job.



DrS
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02 Mar 2010, 10:43 pm

Poetry's so subjective... I quite like what you've done, it's very expressive. If I were to offer a suggestion, it would be regarding the rhyme scheme. Rhyming couplets seem a bit simple to me sometimes, and overly structural, especially when they take place in a poem that doesn't have a consistent rhyme scheme, per se. However, I did like the couplet refrain of 'explode' and 'overload' :)