So I decided to write a story today...

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SammichEater
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15 Apr 2011, 5:37 pm

I'm not much of a writer, but I had this thought going through my head that I just had to put on paper. You may or may not like it, but I actually enjoyed writing this. It's something I really think needed to be written, so here it goes.

INTRODUCTION

262.3.3107 - Greetings, I am Admiral Thita of the Fifth Starfleet in the United Republic of Interstellar Systems, or URIS for short. This democracy has lasted for approximately 250,000 years, and consists of 416 individual star systems within what is known as the Andro-1 galaxy.
It was originally formed as a truce between our race, the Apodans, and the once warlike Natra civilization. Together, our knowledge of interstellar travel exceeded far beyond anyone's expectations. We expanded outward across the galaxy, discovering yet another advanced civilization, the Seras. Seeking to conquer them, the Natras invaded their home planet and any who lived were enslaved. Us Apodans were not pleased with the news. We had no choice but to attack the imperialist Natras. A great war ensued.
This war lasted for over 50,000 years. Trillions died, with the tragedies growing larger after each battle. In the end, we had seen enough. Willing to surrender, the Natras eventually came together and made peace. We were united once again, and the few Seras remaining merged into the union. Since then, we have had a long era of peace and prosperity.
That's enough with the history of our civilization for now. As I said, I am the Admiral of the Fifth Starfleet. This is my personal journal while we are on our exploration. We carry no weapons, our only mission is to explore and colonize worlds unknown to URIS. We are on a journey to the MW-4 Galaxy, intelligence reports a few planets high in rare and valuable resources. The first is in the Gamma sector, codename G-663. This planet is really interesting. It has a solid core, orbiting a nearby star at what appears to be a perfect distance. Everything about it seems perfect. It's almost too perfect, as if there's something we don't know. It's our job to find out. We will be in the G-66 system within a few days.

ENTERING THE SYSTEM

262.3.3112 - Earlier today we recieved a strange message. As we approached the system, we came across something interesting. It seems to be some sort of energy given off - and our sources report that it's coming directly from G-663. Our computers are working as fast as they can trying to decipher the signal. We have no evidence to suggest that there is a natural cause of this disturbance. It could very well be some form of intelligent life.
As we came out of hyperspace, we noticed unusual things orbiting this planet. The energy fields have increased to a strength that we can now easily pick up, and these things, they aren't spherical in any way. They appear to be artificial. They have to be. There's just no way these satellites are naturally occurring - and their energy emission levels indicate some form of communication between these satellites and the surface.
Our scans on the surface have not come in yet, but we predict the planet has some sort of life on it. Judging by the perfectness of the planet itself, this is not too surprising. Hopefully we will be able to establish contact with these life forms soon.

CRACKING THE CODE

262.3.3113 - We have deciphered the codes between the satellites. We can now clearly interpret any and all communication within the G-66 system. We found much more than we were ever looking for, including some sort of connection between these strange nodes. Ironically, it is relatively insecure, and we can easily access any information we need. What we've found is shocking.
There are many life forms on the planets surface. Only one however is intelligent. Although they are still somewhat primitive and violent, they have shown significant progress within the past few hundred years. They are not yet united, they seem to live in clans, each with their own culture, and they are very barbaric. But what we found is that some of them are actually in orbit around the planet, living in one of these artificial satellites. Our plan is to dock with it, and find out what we can about these creatures. They may not know it yet, but they will be the ambassadors.

THE THREAT

262.3.3117 - The plan was executed with major success. We analyzed the subjects aboard the satellite, and have come to learn much about them. We established contact with the rest of their civilization, and they are now fully aware that we are unarmed. We also alerted them that we will be sending down drop-ships to the surface, to scan the area and establish colonies on the surface. They know we wish to establish an exchange of knowledge and resources.
But yet it seems that we are not welcome. I sense great conflict on G-663's surface, many seem to consider us abominations. They do not believe us. It's like they think were only here to kill them. There is great fear in these life forms, fear of the unknown and understood. But little do they know it will get them nowhere. Our shields will deflect anything they throw at us. We will commence the operation anyway, irregardless of the threats we received from this strange network.

THE LANDING

262.3.3126 - Our landing operations have been successful. We have 64 outposts established on the surface, now all we do is wait. Wait for them to trust us. The outposts are unarmed, yet no intelligent life form has dared to go near any of them. They have already attempted to destroy two of them with some sort of explosive weapon, but the impact was absorbed by the deflector shields.
Eventually, they will examine our outposts up close. They will find nothing that they do not want to see, but so far their fear has gotten the best of them. We are only helping them, yet they do not want us. They will learn soon enough.

THE CONSTRUCTION PROJECT

262.3.3130 - Our discovery has caught the attention of all of URIS. Our orders are to build a quantum portal in the system, to allow for quicker travel. Headquarters believes that this sector will become a major place of events for the next few years. It's not every day a new civilization is discovered, when it happens it's more exciting than a supernova.
I just hope that they will calm down soon. We have not provoked them in any way, yet everything we do is met with intense resistance. We have valuable knowledge that could seriously put them thousands of years ahead of schedule. They could easily join the URIS and establish a trade with the other 416 systems in our union. But they think they're too good for that.

A CIVIL WAR

262.3.3164 - Construction of the quantum portal has almost been completed. It will likely not be more than a few days. Meanwhile, the inhabitants of G-663 are slowly growing less weary of our presence. Of the 64 outposts, trade has been established on 3 of them. It's slow progress, but it's better than none at all.
But not everything is going as well as we expected. There seems to be a massive war breaking out on the planet's surface. Some have sided with us, in hopes of advancing their race, others are being ignorant, still refusing to trust us. It strikes me as rather odd how they fight each other with even more force than they fought us. We have yet to see such a violent species.

A CRISIS

262.3.3192 - War has been waging on G-663 for several weeks now. Less than 10% of the initial population is still living. They've nearly blown their entire planet up with the kind of weapons they've used. It's almost worthless now.
The climate has completely changed. It's nothing but a big ball of ice now. High amounts of radiation have killed off many of the inhabitants. Almost everything that makes this world so unique is gone. We may as well leave the system now, there's nothing here for us.

THE END

262.3.3200 - It seems the war is over. There are only four small clans left on the rock, all other life has been completely obliterated, at least on land. They have agreed to let us help restore the planet to its original state as we found it. Many of the remaining indigenous species will be shipped to the core worlds, where they will find a new home, and integrate with our society. It may not exactly be their choice, but had they not have brought this upon themselves, they still could live on their home planet. And perhaps if they are right they will once again set foot on their home planet, and rebuild their civilization after nature rebuilds itself.
As for us, we'll be returning to the core worlds too. This planet had such potential, it really bothers me how much of a disaster our colonization was. Of course, the universe is nearly infinite, even for us, there's still other systems we have to explore in this strange galaxy, but that's a job for someone else. I'm not sure I want to do this anymore. I think I'll just go on leave for a little while.


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Boggsey
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15 Apr 2011, 9:21 pm

Cool story. There were a few lapses in the logc, like why didn't the radiation affect the people who just came to the planet. But over all it was good. It did exactly what a short story needs to do. Introduce the story, give some details, then get straight to the point.


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theWanderer
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15 Apr 2011, 9:38 pm

A very interesting idea for a story; similar to a lot of common tropes (not at all an insult - there are no truly original stories; it all depends on what you do with it), but you put your own twist on it, which could make it quite a story.

On the other hand, it would need huge amounts of editing to really live up to its potential. You've told instead of shown, you began with an infodump, you handle it in a way which makes it seem far more like a cliche than it really is...

I'm not trying to beat up on you. If you aren't used to writing, you would have no hope of doing better than this. But there is enough here worth saving that you ought to take the time and effort needed to whip it into shape. At least, that's my opinion.


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