Kind of Feel Hollow

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I figured it fits best here, so I thought I'd post up an excerpt of a memoir/article thing I'm typing up, about my experiences with Aspergers and depression, mostly from back in 2006-2007. I'm hoping some people here might be able to relate to the finished piece in some way, or more than one, and maybe glean something from it as well. I'm tentatively calling the whole thing: Kind of Feel Hollow. At least until/unless I can think of a better title for it.

So, here's that excerpt:

The idea that I could hide from it appealed to me. The idea that I could hide from, and at the same time, in some indirect way, confront and even embrace, all the self-hated and frustration I carried with me, that was like a weight on my very soul. To revel in the darkness of my own mind by retreating into the artistic manifestations of someone else's darkness. To both, in some twisted way, comfort me, and to inspire my own work in literature and art, that still hangs on with me, even today. To take comfort in the idea that there was someone else out there with a mind potentially, and at least more evidently, out of balance than my own. Someone out there with bigger issues than myself, and who knew how to channel those issues and experiences into mesmerizing pieces of stylishly grungy and dark, often disturbing artwork.

I took refuge from my own problems, worries and frustrations by immersing myself in the work arising from someone else's. I spent countless hours pouring over the gritty, sketched lines and the dark and muted colors, infused with splashes of brightness here and there. The dirty, diffused, even grungy play of light in each piece fascinated and inspired me in my own works in mixed media and digital painting, though mine never turned out anywhere near as well as the work I was inspired by. I took interest in the delightfully sick and twisted stories and actions of the various characters and the reality they inhabited, coming to know each of them well, and which part of the artist's personality and emotions they represented. Even though there were many, I knew each one of them on sight by name, liking each of them for their respective sheer brutal violence, angst, mysticism, innocence and apathy.

Those two paragraphs are part of the somewhat larger section of the thing, about my discovery and avid following of the work of a particular artist, who's work provided me an escape from the immense pile of nothing my life felt like to me at the time. Her work, along with a large helping of creepy/dark/weird/hateful music (a lot of which she introduced me to through her work) helped me to get through my depression without doing something that would've landed me in a lot of trouble with either my school, my family, or the police.

If you're interested in reading more, I'd be happy to post the whole thing up once I'm done with it. Please let me know what you think of it so far, too, as well. If you want to have a look at the artwork of the artist I'm referring to, I'll toss in links to her work as well.

Thank you for sharing this, Zokk.

I was drawn to this post by the title.

I am intrigued by your use of dark material to help you through the throes of depression. I guess this is because I use dark fantasies during depression. Other peoples' painful poetry, art, music and stories create a space in which I do not feel quite as alone in my perception of life.

I, for one, would like to read more. Please continue.

Yep, that's basically how I felt back then. I looked that that kind of art and listened to that kind of music because those things were proof that I wasn't the only one who felt that way, for one reason or another.

For anyone who's interested, here're two galleries of the art work I'm referring to in the excerpt:

Lauren Clark on SheezyArt
Lauren Clark on VCL