Alone in the Familiar

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I wrote this poem the the day before I got diagnosed with PDD-NOS last wednesday. I'm still struggling to understand what that means. I ried to use the WP blog but it does not seem to work for me. Please send me your feed back. Thanks, Sniffy

ALONE in the FAMILIAR
Part 1 Pre-Diagnosis

PAIN

Pain, in the most difficult way to describe

Pain, a persistent self-inflicted pain of mental and emotional anguish

Pain, you dare not expose but exposes you none the less, your eyes betray your nudity

Pain, of the truth standing before you in the mirror not recognizing the reflected image, your soul repents unsure why

Pain, of the loneliness of the image before you in your mind’s eye, even amongst revelry and celebration even if you are the celebrant, even amongst lovers, loved ones, and friends, the loneliness is just as likely to grow or diminish without reason

Pain, that is contagious if seen, that must be hidden knowing that you are the infected one, that you wish not to hurt or distract others

Pain, of self-awareness and the awareness of others, knowing of truths withheld, of talking heads, of idle subjects, gossip, and whispers that are inaudible but tactile

Pain, of the dramatic and comedic of everyday life performed incidentally on the world’s stage, not knowing when to react, but reacting none the less in muted or silent tones, not knowing when to get on stage and deliver my own performance whether it be monologue or dialogue, deaf to the audience, and blind to the cues

Pain, of being unsure who your allies and enemies are from amongst all known, “friend or foe?” you call out, the reply is always suspect of being a lie, so you continue on alone, keenly judging every motive of those that follow, even the most familiar can’t always be trusted

Pain, Rage, Sadness, Death all represented on my personal standard represented by red, blue, and black, obvious to all

Pain, of behind these colors only viewable only when the brightest of lights shine though my multi layered flag can be seen happier colors that can be illuminated under the right conditions, I patiently wait for those days when this occurs, only few have ever seen them, but luminescent they are, the rarity of such an event are only spoken about now as rumors, this troubles me as I sometimes believe them to only to be rumors myself, but happy are those memories

Love, Joy, Pride, Companionship, Brotherhood, and Peace, all of which I struggle to find in the deep dark corners of my mind, only the occasional faint light of memory can illuminate such buried emotions, I know they are there, but even when brought forth into the light of my consciousness, I often turn color blind so they remain muted, but thoughts of clarity sometimes do exist and I can see these emotions brilliantly illuminated within me. This is what is keeping me somewhat functional, sane, and alive.