Asking for help involving story

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Hello, Zodai here.

I am currently writing a story for my internship - and I just wanted to get some opinions on it ;p Here is the general outline:

The Beast’s Gate

Approximately 500 years ago, a ‘disease’ known as Beast Syndrome began to spread across Europe and Asia. It is given to someone either by inheritance, or by being near the virus while reaching extreme levels of psychopathy/wishing harm against another human being. It provides great powers beyond normal human abilities; however all have a desire for human flesh, without exception. During WWII, the US had a small Beast Syndrome population, although not as much as Japan, Germany and the other European and Asian countries.

As a result; nearly all beasts were drafted into the army to assist. After WWII, in 1946, the Supreme Court ruled those with Beast Syndrome “Inhuman Cannibals” and thus stripped them of all rights given to them; locking them away in a sector dubbed “The Beast’s Gate” – a 100-mile diameter sector on the outskirts of Washington DC, covered by a 70-yard high steel wall.

Within a decade, there were ways for beasts to exit the wall; however, they had been subjected to harsh racial treatment whenever they had exited; as they still lacked their rights.

Now, in 2046 – 100 years after the construction of the wall – the Supreme Court has finally decided to take a case regarding the rights of those with Beast Syndrome, as a result of the first Beast Syndrome justice in history.

The story follows a 24 year old man – while his parents and younger sister were beasts, he was not. He had been ‘rescued’ from the Beast’s Gate under the pretense that he was an orphaned who had wandered in through an unknown entrance. He returns in order to gain a key from his younger sister – which would open a box from his parents which ended up coming with him.

*As of 2046, approximately 2% of the US population is a beast, compared to 6% of the world population

Hi Zodai. Interesting historical fiction here. Grammatical errors and misspellings aside, it has great potential as a science fiction story ala Death Race 2000 or Fortress. That said, I have a few questions and comments. To wit:
1. Why were beasts drafted into the army during WWII to assist? How? Wouldn't their cannibalistic presence give the other soldiers pause?
2. When you say "500 years ago" do you mean from the present time or 2046?
3. Even it was from 2046, I can't see how you suddenly went from 1500 to 1942 with the beasts. Nothing else happened concerning them in the interim?
4. You wrote "orphaned." Should be "orphan."
5. The semi colon is superfluous between "As a result" and "nearly all beasts."
6. What harsh racial treatments did the beasts face while in "The Beasts' Gate"?
7. The dash is not needed between "24 year old man" and "while his parents." It should probably be a period.
8. Seems unlikely that The Beasts' Gate should have an unknown entrance.
9. You'll note I use the plural "The Beasts' Gate" as opposed to the singular "The Beast's Gate" and there are more than one beast.
10. How come you put "disease" in singular quotes? It wasn't really a disease?

Well, guess I'll put some clarification ;D

1. As stated in the outline, it was needed because the enemy forces also had even larger amounts of beasts - thus, they were forced in to hold back the enemy beasts.

2. It's an approximation told by the in-universe population - it originated on an island discovered in 1512 a few hundred miles off the coast of China.

3. Not nothing else, per se - 2046 is just when the story takes place, 500 years after it actually started to spread.

4. Ah, I derped XD.

5. Yeah, my teacher says I overdo that as well.

6. Generally all sorts, as a result of being of a severely lower social status. Something along the lines of blacks before Martin Luther King, except less gruesome and the government actually stripped them of all their rights.

7. Ah, I guess you have a point xD.

8. That's simply what the authorities who found him assumed, there isn't actually one.

9. I'll think about if singular or plural works better in-universe ;p

10. That's generally what the in-universe Americans refer to it as - some countries refer to it as an evolutionary advance. Some politicians also refer to them as a whole as "Threats to Society."

Any more questions? I guess some clarification could help xD.

<--- Loves clarification because he's simple minded.

Your story sound cool. I'm currently working on a short story involving a CIA created virus that causes cannibalistic impulses in test subjects in a secret CIA/military prison in Slovakia... Then one of the prison personnel who's accidentally been infected gets out.
Good luck with your literary endeavor.

-Bill, otherwise known as Kraichgauer

very interesting!

I'd like to hear further elucidation as to what "Beast disease" causes. What are the advantages of those who carry the virus? are they stronger like zombies? What end do they have over normal people? Also, where can I read the full story? it sounds interesting!

-Chummy

Sorry, the full story isn't finished yet xD

As for what it causes; the variance of powers depends on the person. Some might be able to fly, other might be able to make an infinite water spring from their fingertips, other might have a consciousness that moves at 9.9375x faster than that of the average human, thus meaning his mental age is approximately 10x greater than his physical one.

In addition, each person has a tattoo-like mark somewhere on their body, signifying themselves as a beast.

Any more opinions?

The ghist of the story seems to be that these 'beasts' are not only cannibals but ferocious, and physically powerful.

So the paradox is that they are a threat to society, but in times of war they are an asset to the state because they make good warriors.

So the powers at be in most every country would love to exterminate them for the public good- but are also forced to support a population of them- for the survival the nation because theyre good to have to beef up the army - and kick the enemy's butt.

A paradox.

That would be an interesting source of drama.

So the trick to writing this story is to find a way to resolve that conflict in a way that makes these beasts creatures sympathetic.

Also-you gotta have a love story.

Are there female beasts?

At first I was gonna say - have a normal girl fall in love with a male beast.

But to make it more interesting- have the girl be of the beast persuasion, and the normal person be the guy.